we are having a really hard time. we are struggling to deal with day to day stuff and do therapy and juggle whatever else we’re supposed to do and just in survival mode in some ways and in other ways because we have Sean as support we are getting by okay enough but oh g-d inside it is awful. we have been incredibly emotional lately, very teary, very switchy and rolodexy and just feel like a real big mess lately. therapy has been hard and trying for us, though very supported by our therapist.
we have some big family stuff going on that we figured out is ultimately “our fault” because we have been changing family dynamics or family stuff and so of course the family is going to react. i can’t remember all the psych terminology and symbolism we’ve heard many times in classes and by people educating us about basics but i know what it is, even though we lack the words and explanation for it. we are scared of what seems like a big blow up about to happen in our family. the reality is that more secrets are on the verge of being revealed and that scares us because our whole life has been about keeping them around our family and now they want to know and they think they really want to know but that is fucking dangerous and frightening to us especially since they really aren’t supportive. so we’ll tell some and let Sean explain some stuff that we just can’t do as well or as strongly and keep the rest because we aren’t fucking crazy and suicidal and know that some secrets are massively supposed to be kept. i.e. the other people, the cult, the ritual abuse whatever the fuck it is that happened to us shit. that won’t be told. at all. they really don’t believe the neighbor boy, let alone my father shit, and so i ain’t even going down that other road. that road is the most terrifying of all to tell.
in the meantime some wizard of oz programming stuff has come out in different ways in the last 2 weeks. just tonight and then again sometime in the last week and a half, and both very unexpectedly. we heard for some time there was wizard of oz stuff and know where it is on the system grid internally but have no other info about it. but now we just got some more nasty stuff said by someone(s) inside in our handwritten journal and i think some programming stuff that i just had no idea about and for once i think i believe it instead of automatically condemning it and analyzing the hell out of it so i can convince myself my other brain is tricking me and i’m the crazy one and especially if i believe the tricks my brain is playing on me to get me to believe it is real and from my subconscious when it isn’t but just my crazy self with my crazy brain that is just trying to convince me to believe something that isn’t real and isn’t true. oh how that doesn’t sound so much along the lines of “nothing happened. it’s not true.” “it’s not real and so it isn’t true.” if you believe any of it, you’re just crazy. you’re crazy because you have a crazy brain that likes to trick you into believing it is real and true but it isn’t–that’s just your brain playing tricks on you.
i don’t want to believe any of this is real. but really, wizard of oz shit was the furthest from my mind tonight. and the writing in the journal began with how much they hate Julie and how much she needs to die. and then it went on about something else and then they said something that triggered the wizard of oz programming stuff suddenly and then it just spilled out. sort of like last time. it just spilled out this last week about some other thing very different (or so it seems) about the wizard of oz stuff.
and we are really divided as to whether to password protect this or not. it’s scary to say these things. to tell them. to put them out there. it feels like we’re saying so much and telling far too much and yet we haven’t even told any details. we haven’t said what is in those journals and what we’ve come across. we haven’t explained how innocent things have suddenly lead us without awareness to the wizard of oz stuff and connections.
i feel emotional and scared and someone is reminding me about our need to throw up earlier when we read what the others wrote in the journal but that is gone now with an intellectual knowledge about it, as though it still is nearby but disconnected.
we just need to go. that’s all i know.
us, julies, ??
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