In many ways we’ve just been waiting until we see Cec this week to deal with system issues. Something is different, and I am fairly concerned. I haven’t heard from L.J. since the birthday on the 13th, although tonight I was talking with a friend and I thought I sensed her just a tad closer from laughing at something she thought was funny. But it isn’t the same at all. L.J. was so very far away still. This is utterly unlike her in every way; she just always is very close to the front and nearby, and she isn’t right now. I miss her.
It is very quiet here. And in some ways, there is this emptiness… just basically a sense that nearly everyone inside is gone, asleep, dead, or something. Even I was gone to a large degree for a little while and I still haven’t wholly returned the same. Things are just different.
It’s one of those stupid things where I am, we? are waiting until therapy to delve into these bigger issues and yet, the reality is that it is going to come back down on us to find our own answers. Yet there is this blank nothingness when the attempts for understanding, answers, etc. are poked and prodded for information. At the same time, it seems too frightening and unsettling to even do this on our own. Things seem so shaky and as though we’re walking this very thin line and trying to not fall into some abyss.
I thought it would suddenly change for the better after this birthday was over with. Oh it’s changed, but I’ve yet to determine whether it is really for the better. My first instinct is to say it is worse, simply because this body is still alive and that damn stupid thing of not having “obeyed.” So now of course there is punishment and fallout system-wide for this. Another way to look at it is some have done what they could in their power to follow directions and obey, even if it isn’t quite the same thing they were really supposed to do.
If anything, all of this is only getting me more in touch with my anger at my life being dictated by the abusers and the past lies encroaching on the present and my/our ability to move forward, grow, etc. I’m so sick of it. Perhaps I’m beginning to feel angry about it, really angry about it for the first time really for myself. I’m not really feeling angry, as it is still intellectual, but there is a growing sense of a feeling somewhere that seems to be fueling this desire to scream and fight, “NO MORE.” Well, at least intellectually. Before I was just so very, very disconnected from all of it, and I suppose there was a greater sense of helplessness. That helplessness is still there, but there’s a spark of fight and anger that is there now that is different. I can’t help but wonder if the connection of the anger has to do with my growing belief that the ritual abuse is real and true for me/us. It’s almost as though that part of the battle of believing it and not believing it–that it has also been part of the battle of the past and present and its affects and effects on my life now. It’s sort of one of those duhhh and ahh-haa moments that I’ve known time and time again on an intellectual level, except this time I’m really seeing it from a bigger picture and detailed look as well– that believing and accepting what happened to me and us is so crucial to healing and being free to live my life without the past dictating it. Of course as I write this, I want to cower in some corner, hide, be invisible, and at the same time scream that it isn’t true and it didn’t happen to me/us, and it only happens to other people. And the ever critical voice reminding me that everyone knows it isn’t true and didn’t happen to me so how dare I even say or act as if it is true. Then the Nothing Happened It’s Not True Girl (NHINT Girl) appears with her repetitive words, over and over. In a way this time, I can see how it is soothing to her in some kind of strange way. As if it is calming her anxiety and growing sense of dread for anything to have been told or to have been said, implied, acted as if such a thing were true, could happen, etc. to us. The No Talk Rules ever so ingrained. Yet as I write and analyze this, it just grows stronger in its need for me to shut up, for it to be screamed how it isn’t true, for this to be erased and deleted. It’s such a vicious cycle.
So my mind is blank now.
Julie
Dear Julie We have gone through many instances over the years where a great many keepers "disappear" for periods of time, usually when there is a big change occurring, maybe an external change like changing t's or maybe internal, like realizing once and for all what we feared really did happen, really did. sometimes the alters just need to go inside, deeper and regroup, assimilate the information before moving forward. whatever it is for you right now we have faith it will work out for you. peace and blessings keepers
The battle between believing and accepting is hard for me because it doesn't just mean I have to believe I was hurt, it means I have to know there was a time in my life that I didn't have control when I was hurt at will. I can say this or that happened to me but when I feel it and believe it that's when my real issues begin. That's when all the why questions start and when I begin to feel overwhelmed and damaged beyond fixing. When I can accept that there are times in life when I'm powerless and it doesn't demean me as a person to have moments of powerlessness now nor does it demean me to have had them back then…..that's when believing and accepting becomes easier for me. Sometimes I can hold onto this belief and acceptance and other times I'm too tired to figure it all out.Austin
Keepers– Yes, we've gone through times where many or nearly the entire system has 'shut down,' or almost everyone has 'disappeared.' I've found that it generally happens under extreme duress or when we're dealing with some intense stuff internally and/or externally. I know intellectually that it happens and that it will pass. Emotionally though it tends to bring up a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts, and basically feeling really unsettled and things not feeling 'right.' Anyway, I woke up today and I suddenly felt like myself, and many insiders seem to have returned. I still feel a little bit on edge as though they can be taken away again at any time, but some are closer and have appeared in writing and L.J. showed up around a few friends today for a little bit. So things are sort of settling back to the 'usual.' It seems to still be a work in progress. Thanks for your reminder that things will work themselves out.
~ Julie
Austin- I really could relate to some of what you said, and there was some stuff that made me stop and think and wonder about. I can really understand about being able to say such and such happened (usually I can in a general sense), but when I actually feel it and believe it… that's when my issues begin as well. I also generally have trouble saying what actually happened although someone(s) in here can say it with no feelings at all. I can though say that "I was sexually abused." Anyway, it is true though that once the feelings and actual belief of it, and once it sinks in to a reality, then that's when everything gets seriously problematic with issues and stuff.
The part about not being in control when you were hurt at will– that's something I read and just completely disconnect from it. Sometimes I'll read things and I know I'm capable of understanding it, but something in me will just "not get it," and this is one of those things. On one level I do understand it and on another level I don't and with that level of I don't comes the part of me that is blank, mindless, and has no idea if this applies to me or not. It's like it prevents me from looking at this in my life so that I can determine whether or not it applies and if so, how much and how does it apply. Anyway, just glad to hear your thoughts on it. Good stuff to think about and consider.
Thanks,
Julie