I feel like I need to write something and yet my words are scarce at the moment. Yet, it isn’t the deeper truth. There’s so much building within and whenever I am given a moment of connection with it, I hold my breath because I know how bad it is. The suicidal stuff rushes in like a stormy crashing wave. Then I end up feeling so very much on edge, wondering how long this will last and if it will pass without ever surfacing.
It’s so hard to find words for what is going on. It feels like things are whirling around me and inside me.
We are missing Wendy quite a bit. Things are fine with Cec and yet something isn’t quite right. I think it is more of an adjustment, a trusting thing, a needing so much more from her and we can’t have it and that is so hard. It’s that Cec doesn’t know our system like Wendy does and the closer we let Cec in, the scarier it becomes and the greater we connect with the loss of Wendy and the intensity of feelings about missing Wendy reappear.
Things just feel so mixed up about a lot of stuff. It also feels chaotic and out of sorts. I just need to be patient while we get things sorted out. I’m exhausted though and yet to a large degree I’m not even part of what’s going on internally. I do feel like we’re on the verge of something big, but then sometimes I will feel like that and its just another one of those things where we’re repeating a pattern that has some growth in it. It just feels bigger than what it probably is and it turns out to repeat itself later on in a different way. But I guess in a way it is like layers of things. I could be fooling myself and completely unaware and in denial, but I like to believe that most things that we repeat, that it isn’t exactly the same because we are gaining knowledge, growth, healing, etc. I like to believe that we figure something else out and gain new skills, etc. each time it happens so that it will be different in the future, even if there is a ‘next time.’
The scarce words have returned, but it is more like a silencing.
Julie
When I read this entry I see hesitation to trust your feelings. This could be something big. It might just be a pattern. There seems to be fear of trusting or hoping. I know when I do this its to prepair myself JUST IN CASE I don't get the happy outcome I really want. It's like, I won't believe in the good until it happens so that if it doesn't I can't say I didn't have warning. I feel foolish when I hope in something and it doesn't turn out.I guess too that I see a survivor who is warn out and confused, not sure how to read or if she should read her symptoms and red flags. You sound so tired right now. I've had this wave of suicidal feelings come up recently and they scare me too.We wish you well,Austin PS. I like this blue and white template. Pretty cool
I feel your fear of the unknown. The fear of leaving your comfort zone. It is scary to step away from what you know and just to take a chance to feel, to see. But like you said in order to figure something out and to gain new skills you have to take a step. Have faith in yourself and take chances. That is what I did and I'm doing better. Hugs, xxx
letting Cec in to know you is a scary proposition, it always is when we let someone new,especially a T, in a wee bit closer to us. Give yourself time, it sound slike you are handling things pretty well and deciphering things, or at least recognizing the possibilities. peace and blessings keepers
Hi Austin,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and support. I do feel tired right now and confused about how to proceed about some issues. I know there are some red flags going on that probably aren’t necessarily visible to anyone else but us. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with suicidal stuff– it’s always so hard to fight when it is closer to the surface instead of (at least for us) always there in the background.
Also, I really like how you were able to point out the larger themes of this entry– the hesitation and fear of trusting my feelings and hoping for this ‘something big’ to be a breakthrough and positive.
Lastly, I did like the previous theme I had, but it had some quirks in it that bugged me. I stumbled across this theme in my searching and I’m so glad that I did. We’re really enjoying this theme so far and it is the first one we’ve had that has had widgets (or at least as far as I know), and WOW, those are very nice and cool to have! Very easy to modify! Anyway, we are hoping you like this theme too!
Julie/s
Nadcesca,
Thank you for visiting and commenting! Very wise words– thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. I appreciate your encouragement.
Julie
Keepers– Thank you for listening and understanding while also reminding us to be patient. We need to remember that all of this just takes time to process.
Julies