Multiple Reflections

Today has just passed by and I’ve been just sort of here and not really focused or anything.  I think my body is fighting a cold from forming, but I think this is the second time in the last two weeks, so I’m not sure if I’m going to prevent it.  I hope so anyway, but it feels like maybe it is developing in my chest.  I’m exhausted and not really taking extra care of myself in all of this.  I need to.

I’m having something else going on physically that is concerning me.  It’s just a wait and see thing at the moment.  I think it is primarily due to the extreme stress I’ve/we’ve been under.

I’m also looking at issues and seeing that I, as Julie, probably have a bigger responsibility and part in things than I’ve realized before.  Yes, others inside have their roles and dynamics and effect things, but I’m just as ‘guilty.’  So I guess now is a good time for me to look at it when I won’t have as much internal stuff going on since it is so quiet and empty in a way.  I can still sense some insiders still around, but there is this disconnection that exists and things are still just different.

I guess really I feel lost.  I don’t know if I’ve written that already yet in this post, but I know I’ve come close to writing it several times already and so apparently it keeps coming up in my thoughts, so it must be pretty true and significant.  It’s sort of crazy in a way– I’m lost without the others inside, but I’m torn in so many different directions when the others are around like usual.  It’s like it is a ‘no-win,’ but some part of me that has hope and sensibility seems to have remained intact somewhere here in the distance and I can hear her remind me there are other choices and it doesn’t have to be like that.  She said it more eloquently than that.  When I was writing this, it occurred to me that it sounded a lot like Wise Gem and that the energy and the way the message came to me was similar to her.

My brother has Noah for a week of vacation.  He’ll have another week in August and he will be going to visit the father and extended relatives then.  The tickets have been purchased already.  I’m not going.  My father apparently isn’t coming until sometime next year.  I’ve decided to mostly not worry about it until an actual ticket is purchased.  I knew not to completely believe that my father was coming, as I’ve heard this before, and so we end up with all this anxiety and then it doesn’t happen.  Anyway, I/we got a bit more concerned a month or so ago because it was sounding so serious and now we know it isn’t happening.  So now I’m just like screw it, and I’m going to fight the anxiety and worry until I know an airplane ticket has been purchased.  Ideally, we just won’t worry about it until we know for sure it is happening (i.e. something has been finalized–like travel arrangements completed, etc.).

Anyway, I’ve just been sort of ‘out of it’ today and lost really, as though my body is here, but I’m not really present.  Normally I’d be trying to get a lot done before going over to visit my brother and nephew, but I haven’t done anything today.  And my house is really a mess.  I don’t have much food at the moment, though I do have a few quick fixes, but even that is overwhelming because my kitchen is a total mess.  Of course the obvious thing is to get my ass up and clean it, but I can’t seem to make myself do it.  At least not yet.  I will.  I just don’t know what is stopping me from doing it.  So I think it is a combination of my issues and depression, and I’m realizing that my depression must play a greater role in things than I thought.  I sort of thought it was other insider’s depression and other issues and things interacting with daily life.  And I know all of that is true.  I’m just seeing me in this mix a lot more since I’m in a way, alone.  And oddly, I thought that I don’t really experience a lot of emotions and can get things done, etc.  And I can.  However, I’m really beginning to wonder and think that this is really more of an influence, a blend, or a co-awareness with me there, but one of the other “Julies” from the purple group taking charge and doing things.

It’s so hard most of the time to differentiate each other within the Julies groups.  It’s often easier when writing, but even that can be difficult to decipher.  And writing this, I hear some old tape about how a real multiple would know all this information and not be so confused.  I know this is ridiculous and that this isn’t true, and I know that there is so much more involved as to why it is what it is.

I guess really I’m just confused, exhausted, and depressed.  I’m fighting a cold that isn’t here yet and hopefully won’t come full force.  I have another physical issue that is concerning me which is probably due to stress, but in its own way, the concern about it is causing more stress.  I need to let it go.  I feel really lost and my thoughts and feelings are self-defeating.  I sense a bit of what I’ve referred to in the past as Rag Doll.  We have several insiders with that name or a spin off of that name.  At least I think so from what I can recall from the past, but it’s not really a recollection as much as it is some vague knowledge.  But my body feels limp like that, my heart and soul is just like that of a ragdoll.  Lift my arm up and it will flop down in a lifeless manner.

I know things will change and this will pass.  I know I need to regroup on my own and possibly ask for some help from insiders or gasp, people on the outside and accept it.  There’s this little spark of fire in me that thinks oh cool, I can get stuff done without a lot of interruptions and distractions and other things from others inside affecting things.  At the same time, there is this deep sadness and feeling of being lost and alone (in our system) and just something I can’t quite describe.  And I’m just so exhausted.

One of the frustrating things is that I thought when I moved out on my own and away from my mother, I thought that it was going to be so very different.  And it is different and good, but my problems and issues followed me.  Of course I knew this, but I must have had magical thinking or something.  So I’m frustrated with myself and it’s really hard to not berate and hate myself.  It’s like I hate myself in general regularly, but the consciously and actively self-loathing is yucky.

The really annoying thing is that my pdoc is probably going to think I need my meds changed, and I just don’t think it is biochemical right now.  It just feels like it is something different.  It’s back to that will to live, will to be in charge of my life, will to actively change things, and the list goes on.  It’s back to that passive suicide of I want to die or I don’t want to live or I’m tired of living, etc.  Every now and then I can get inspired for a few hours or a day, but it doesn’t last, and at some point, an anger and rage and resistance to it will appear.  It’s that it isn’t for me, not for me, not allowed for me, etc.  So then my thoughts go to the programming that I can’t seem to get away from or fight.  So how many times do I have to return to those 3 choices and things that keep coming up over and over.  How many times do we have to battle them in one form or another and tackle them in therapy over and over.  We’ve been chipping away at it for years now in therapy and I’m gaining more pieces and information about it and everytime I start looking at some of the issues, I keep finding the same shit at the core of things.  I just don’t know how to get rid of it and change it.  It’s not that simple.  It’s huge and I think it entangles itself around a lot of other programming and abuse and other things.  It’s like if we can get this resolved, we will be free.  But then I just think it is magical thinking and I suck and what we seek or imagine is just not really possible for us.

Julie