I don’t know- just had a sudden thought or feeling that pushed past something to have the energy to write it down right this minute, but alas, it is all gone. A blank mind. Oh thank ye o’ Blocker and Eraser.
Cec was on vacation this last week and it feels like such a long time until Tuesday afternoon when we see her again. I’m not sure who is going to show up and talk or what is going to be talked about. I guess really we need to do some preparation and figure it out– at least make a list even if we can’t agree on the priorities of it and who and what needs urgent attention. The same old issue of there never being enough time is rearing its ugly head again… it’s been festering in the background, threatening its menacing ways… and I sense-we sense that it is on the verge of ???? with our therapy with Cec. Just another reminder to myself that we have *got* to figure out what the hell this one is about and where it comes from and all that stuff. In a way there is this hazy, foggy, blank memory and just this knowledge that this is not a good thing…… I don’t know… I just know this was a big issue with Wendy. And really it’s been an issue with all my/our therapists if I think about it. Actually I don’t want to think about it, because the dying and self-hate and intense negative emotions surge and it becomes unbearable and unmanageable. I got the hint of it just writing and thinking about it for a split second and then I ran like the wind shutting doors behind me trying to keep the walls up to stay away from it. Not now. Not tonight. Not alone. I can’t look at it just yet. But writing it down and reminding myself is good.
Maybe really it isn’t something necessary to look at. Maybe it is just a normal issue or problem or need or something. I haven’t even come close to describing what it is and how it is, but I know what it is… well, sort of anyway. Poor Wendy sure as hell knows what it is. At least I imagine Wendy knows and seems hard to imagine it not being such a PIA thing to Wendy. Such fears in Cec really and truly knowing what it is too with us.
I don’t know. I’m just rambling in a sense, but really just writing as thoughts intrude upon me. No, they aren’t intrusion. Just sudden thoughts with no real analysis or contemplation of them.
Reading back on all that I wrote and the feelings are so close in a way. There’s crying happening internally, but absolutely nothing externally. Yet I’m not really sure what it is about, other than what was written here. At least I’m pretty sure it has something to do with that. And definitely in its relation to just not deserving to exist. That’s really the bottom line I guess. Maybe. But the intense feelings seem to go back to some feeling that we need to die, don’t deserve to live, aren’t worthy or valuable or something and really we just aren’t supposed to be around, not supposed to breathe, be, exist. To just go away and away and never be around nobody and nothing and just fucking not exist. We’re not allowed and we’re so freaking ass horrible and yucky and icky and just not supposed to be visible to anyone or anything. We’re just not supposed to be.
Well that’s fucking said really stupid but I guess the point gets across. I hate Julie. I hate them. I hate a lot. I don’t want to hate me but secretly how can I not hate me. I’d never say that except I just did. And I don’t cry so I make my sister take it and now she’s close by but now she’s gone away. I hate all this stuff. I hate living. I secretly just want to go home to God. I mostly believe in God but sometimes it is scary and hard to keep doing so. I guess cuz I know not everyone does and I don’t want to be wrong about nothing. And being wrong about anything or not believing or liking what others outside you do well that just gives people more reasons to hate you. So well we don’t need more hating this way. It’s all really screwed up. That’s why I want to go home. Home to God. It’s not screwed up there. It’s not supposed to be anyway.
Julie/s and anonymous
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