Multiple Reflections

I don’t really know where to start.  There is just so much inside.  Someone sarcastically says, “As Always,” while someone else is criticizing and saying what a stupid statement to make.  It’s like they make these comments, but unless I really “know them,” I can’t make out whose voice it is or whose energy it seems to feel like so that I can actually know who is saying it.  And when I ask… I just get this void, this nothingness… a blankness.

Such is my life so often when I inquire within.  Sometimes I wonder what the point is.  It seems so futile.  So impossible to ever decode and for it to ever unravel to my satisfaction.

So we did take a nap.  Except I woke up again with a dream about having cancer.  I even woke up from my nap because of a phone call, but didn’t answer it, and fell back asleep… only to wake up again from basically the same subject– that I was infested with cancer.  So it seems lately I’ve had several dreams with the theme of me having cancer.  So now either it is some sort of symbolic thing or it is simply a manifestation of my worry after actually seeing stuff on my body and thinking it is odd and not sure if it is normal.  It’s one of those things where I just don’t ever look at myself or see my body so that when I actually do for some reason or I make a conscious effort to be in touch with my body and to be aware… then I have the problem of not knowing what is normal for my body and what isn’t.  Of course there is the unlikely possibility that my dreams are because I actually do have cancer or going to have it.  Yes, I know– how silly and ridiculous that sounds.  I think it is probably one of the former two.

Cec is on vacation this next week again.  It was unexpected for us and also for her.  She had her week of vacation this past week, except that a number of unexpected events happened in her life that made it a very exhausting one and so she is taking her vacation again this next week with the plan to have a restful vacation.  We asked her why she was gone again and then she filled us in.  She has a way of making herself very human in our eyes and that brings up a lot of mixed feelings at times for us.  I know that sounds so weird but not sure how else to put it.

So I don’t know.  We’re feeling depressed, exhausted, and like there is a ton of stuff going on inside, except I’m not able to access any of it.  I need to write about therapy, except I really wasn’t there, don’t know and don’t remember, and so I have no idea what to say.  And we keep missing Wendy.  And Cec too.  Just in different ways with both of them.  We so badly want a hug from Wendy and we can’t have one.  It makes a lot of us just really sad.  I’m going to go now because the negative commentary is beginning to flow.

Julie and Julies