It’s weird to see the date of my last post and to be finally writing something again.  I didn’t realize it has been basically a week.  I think of this as the night of August 13th and not so much the 14th.  I’m so fatigued these days in writing.  I’ve so much to write about too.  I’m trying to tell myself to just not think about all that we need to write about and to just write a little bit about something at a time, when we can, as otherwise we get so overwhelmed and exhausted in just thinking about it.

I want to say quickly, before I forget, that I did have brief flashbacks of the dream I had last night (night of the 12th, early morning the 13th).  One of the things that I recall is me in adult form completely screwed up in the head and externally with those people around me.  I mean really overtly in behavior.  One scene that keeps repeating itself in my head is me curled up on the floor, unable to move, and there are a few other people around (not system members), and I know they are talking about me or aware of me and I’m so “out of it.”  They also seem very accustomed or used to me being overtly so screwed up and not masking things anymore.  So in the dream, I think I’m both alternating between being in my body in the dream and being outside my body observing it.

So there I was– something very big had happened and we had been triggered and then we did something in the dream that was so very much out of character, and actually there was a lot of switching of insiders coming outfront and stuff in that part of the dream.  I can’t write it here, but it was really bad.  I think that I had been overtly screwed up for a bit, then that thing happened and triggered us and more way bad stuff happened… I think there were some elemental pieces of it being a bit of a memory playing out but in a really weird way too.  I mean I can see elements of what happened being similar to some kind of ritual abuse memory, but at the same time, it had elements that just made it a freaky weird bad dream that isn’t memory related, and at the same time, just standard bad dreams we have all the time that have some weird stuff mixed in at times.

Anyway, what I’m trying to get at is that this bad thing (ritual abuse element) and stuff really triggered us in the dream and set us off in the dream to switch and stuff and then suddenly it is as though I “came back” (within the dream) after the behavior of the insiders and I had a piece and realization of some aspects of what had happened and I was horrified.  Then I went back to my overtly crazy self, but much worse.  And this is the part I’m trying to write, sheesh.

I was curled up on the floor and it wasn’t carpeted.  I was around these other people, not insiders.  They were aware of me and I think maybe talking about me.  I was having trouble speaking or moving.  I went back and forth at being in my body in the dream and from my perspective and then from being outside my body and viewing my body and seeing things from that perspective in the dream.  I lifted my right hand just barely and softly moved it up and down and tried to say, “please help me.”  I did this over and over and tried to move my hand up and down in larger motion and tried to verbalize, “please help me,” (just that phrase over and over) louder.  It took everything out of me to move my hand up and down and to speak.  There were only a few people around me.  I knew they were aware of me, but at the same time, they were so used to me being “out of it” that they weren’t noticing me and certainly didn’t hear me.  Partly due to the quiet voice and small movement with little sound of my hand.  It took awhile before they noticed my hand.  Then it took awhile before they noticed I was speaking and another portion of time before they could hear me, and then more time before they understood what I was saying.  It took every resource and effort out of me/us to ask for help and to want it.  All the while, I still think deep down there was a slight resistance still or perhaps fear to the help.

I don’t know.  Just that one thing speaks volumes to me.  I originally woke up knowing that I had just woken up from a powerful dream, but I couldn’t remember it at all.  Then later today (the 13th), I suddenly had the flashback of this dream segment, and I keep having flashbacks of it over and over since then.  It will subside or go away and then reappear again repetitively.  Just like any typical flashback.

OMG, I just realized that I likely was dreaming this in the wee hours of the 13th and that this whole thing occurred on the 13th, a month after my birthday.  Woah is all I can say.  I’m sure that wasn’t by accident.

I think there is more to process about this dream and really just this one particular segment of the dream.  I think it is speaking volumes about the way we ask for help when we are in the worst place.  Right now we’re still masking, and really, I’m still in the dark about a lot of stuff, but I sense and have heard that there is a great number of things going on inside and we’re really not doing well, despite the appearances.  Anyway, just stuff to look at and think about and write more about later.  I need to go now.

Julie/s