Multiple Reflections

We had therapy today and it was very helpful to see Cec and to just go through the experience of therapy. I suppose that sounds odd in a way, but it was helpful in its own way, even with the general conversation of the surgery, inside, and overview of various topics that were discussed. Somehow in all of this, we seemed to have connected with Cec today in a way that we really needed to connect with her on. At the same time, there is a distance, and it isn’t like this mind-blowing phenomenal connection, but something transpired today that is different, and I like it…a lot in fact.

Cec regularly asks us if we have discussed or worked on X with Wendy (or our other therapists), and I often draw this blank and scramble to pull together years of pieces to formulate an answer that feels accurate enough and makes any kind of sense and is intelligible enough to Cec. I always wish Wendy was right there to answer the question as I just feel like Wendy could answer the question relatively quickly and with such intelligence, observation, insight, and so professional sounding, etc. And I’ll wish I could just listen to Wendy’s answer and then determine whether or not we agree or not and if we have anything to add to it, etc. But trying to come up with the answer by gathering the pieces scattered within is so very hard to do. Oh its somewhere inside or somewhere in all our journals, and at some point its probably been discussed with friends or something, but to gather it all together at once to answer a question that takes into account all relevant history and information– very difficult to do. So the blank just stays with me and I try hard to make a statement of information that doesn’t misrepresent us or our therapeutic history with Wendy or other therapists.

Another thing Cec asked me today was what my definition of “programming” was and what did it mean to me, etc. Cec knew what that term meant to her, but she wanted to know what I meant when I said it, referenced it, etc. So we gave her a pretty general answer that varied, but I’m/we’re not satisfied with the answer and wish to delve further into this. Cec has asked us this before about other terminology or other things as well and so it would be good to do this with those things too.

After therapy today we were feeling pretty focused and so forth. We were thinking again about providing some mapping or lists of names and stuff that we have done in the past, but also really thinking about working on some new ones and really getting a better idea of things inside.

We had shown Cec our online journal entries and had printed some out last week and meant to talk about them with her, but ran out of time. She kindly read them between sessions and we touched on them slightly today, but other things were talked about, and so we’ll be going back to them again next week. Cec pointed out the entry about “bad” and she thanked those inside who shared what it meant to them and she and I talked some about that and how shocked I was to read what they were saying. Cec also mentioned the entry titled, “please help me,” and that it seemed important that we discuss these things rather than “put them on the shelf for later.” And we agree with her and so we’re making a concerted effort to make sure they are discussed with her in depth next week (and as necessary, beyond that) versus just ‘moving on’ to the next thing without fully processing something first.

I think there is more, but I also think these are the main points we wanted to have written down right away. We have to get some things ready and go to our brother’s house and visit Oakley. We’ll post a picture of him sooner or later. He’s such a cutie pie dog. We love him a lot.

Julies