Multiple Reflections

An entry was written last night that was made private.  It was written in 3rd person or as a narrative.  I need to brush up on some of the most basic definitions of things.  I feel so stupid sometimes.

The point is that a “story” came from out of nowhere.  I mean completely out of the blue.  And I remember vaguely being around– though I was far away.  The words, the information, it just flowed through the fingers without any real thinking.  That’s what scares me.  It scares me because it makes it more real to me– like it just might actually be a true story– a story about “me,” this body, this life.  And it wasn’t me writing it– this I know for sure.  It came from somewhere else within and someone else.

Even though I was sort of “there,” and sort of “not there,” last night, at the same time, when I read it earlier this evening– it still was ‘new’ to me.  I was reading it for the first time really.  I knew the gist of it, but I kept pushing it away, and then there it was in front of me and so I read it.  Except reading it really brought me/us down quickly into a deep depression and I realize now that we weren’t very grounded.  We tried calling Cec to just listen to her voice mail message, but it rang and rang and didn’t pick up the message.  We didn’t call back and try again.  Instead we clung to Emmie (bear) and tried so hard to get out of this really bad space.  This space where the information and the story kept going over and over in the head and heart.  The emotional tug of war of if it was true or not for this life and how could it be, etc.

I don’t know why this information came.  It’s disgusting and horrifying and yet there’s an element there that doesn’t surprise me because it’s what THEY do.  I’m not sure if we can put it out there for everyone to see.  We can’t decide on a password for things.  We need to just figure some passwords out and agree on them.  And oddly, despite what we believe about triggers and not trigger marking things, we’re concerned it would be quite triggering to some of our readers and others would probably just be grossed out and stuff like that.  It’s because it quickly jumps from sort of a seemingly okay reading thing– though you are lead to believe something is going to happen that’s bad–and then the horror stuff is suddenly right there.  And the other crazy thing is that only one part of their mind torture was told.  The rest just ended with a general statement.  The rest hasn’t been told.  And then I hear from someone inside that the rest didn’t happen, it isn’t true, that nothing happened, it’s not true, and on and on.

So anyway, we were in this really bad place tonight and I really needed to get out of it.  I still have things to finish taking care of.  We ended up taking a nap this afternoon.  It’s so frustrating because anytime we make progress on something, there’s “payback” for it.  I’m not so sure anymore how much is just the depression or how hard it is for us to function and how it wears us out when we do stuff like that.  I’m really thinking there is more internal dynamics going on.  And really, I’ve always known about them or acknowledged it to some degree, but I think there must be A LOT that I don’t know about and we have to get a handle on this.  It just can’t keep going on like this.  And sadly, it brings us right back to the same bottom line issues we can’t seem to get past.  The shit we’ve ultimately been fighting for years and years now, just with different examples over and over.  And it is also the bottom line issues that really push some insiders to insist and need us to be hospitalized in order to get through them.  That we can’t stay safe breaking it down and removing it and I guess replacing it with something healthier or something.  That they just can’t do it otherwise.

So I’ve/we’ve been going all over the place in thoughts and information.  The good thing is that I realized I “needed to get out of myself.”  I’ve heard my best friend say this to me before (she will sometimes call me saying she needs to get out of herself) and I really understood today on a deeper level how that could help me/us.  So I called her and spoke with her and she couldn’t talk long, but her teenage daughter was available to talk.  So I heard all about her first day in high school and I listened and chatted with her about those things.  It did help.  It helped pull us out of that really bad place and to refocus on the things we need to do that must be taken care of by tomorrow morning.  We are almost done and so we just can’t stop now and let it drag out any longer.

So now we’ve written about all of this and so maybe that will help too.  We really need to get back to everything before it gets too late at night and before the badness and difficult feelings and all that hard stuff returns with a vengeance and we can’t cope with it very well.

Julie/s