Late Night Complaints

We can’t freaking sleep! It so sucks! I mean we like are tired and so we’re like thinking okay, so we’ll go to sleep early. We won’t fight this or whatever. Except we toss and turn and everybody is like way talking and shit and can’t shut up and things are stirred up and kind of crazy inside but serially not major crazy. We’re like in bed trying to sleep for like an hour and a half.  From like midnight to 1:30 A.M. Finally I just get the hell up–besides, part of the problem is me. I’m just going off on things and preparing for future battles and crap that I just have a nasty feeling I’m gonna have to deal with. Things that would majorly affect this system. I know, I know… what the hell am I doing freaking worrying about crap. I just like to be prepared is all. But like I don’t want people all thinking I’m anal and a wacko worrier like Julie is and stuff. Whatever. I know I’m just trying to deal with crap and tonight I got my freaking hands full with a ton of crap.

There’s like some all trying to cut. Stupid crap. So we’ve got a gang all trying to stop those ones who think they need to. It’s just for punishment or some stupid thing like that for telling. I ain’t sure what it’s about. That’s just my guess.

There’s some just really freaking ass sad and upset. I think it’s just about the crap that just came from who knows where but was revealed to most anyone inside who has access to the basic shared files of “today.” That’s freaking hard to explain but we know what we mean. Basically a memory or info from somebody was shared and like while there is disagreement over whether it is true or not or whatever, it’s now being passed along and available to those that have access to basic shared files of today’s facts or general info or whatever. I mean the actual memory ain’t shared– it’s just the story with the information and intellectual whatever is being shared and somewhere in there, some emotions are leaking out. I don’t know how that freaking works cuz like me, I don’t have any emotions over it, other than I think it is way the fuck screwed up to the max, but that’s still more like a statement from me than actually feeling it. It just ain’t my deal and so I’m really pretty separate from that crap. Thank G-d cuz I totally don’t want that shit to deal with too. I got enough I got to deal with inside and outside.

Then there’s some that are all talking about missing Wendy. Like Major. That’s been going on for awhile now. And some that want to call Cec and tell her that we told something and how hard it was and all that. And some that don’t want anyone to call Cec. Some that want to call Wendy just to hear her voice and some that are scared to do that or something like that.

Let’s see what else. Yah that so figures. I start writing and things get quieter.

Oh yah, someone/s that want to die. That’s all typical and usual. You can always find someone and often more than one in here that totally wants to die all the freaking time. But there are like times when the signs and things start getting a tad more problematic. So here’s the deal. We had to stop at the store and get TP and I gotta say that was badly needed. For like late last night and all day today we were like using napkins to dab away and then throwing it away. Thank goodness we didn’t have the other business to do today. I guess there can be a positive in your bowels being all screwed up. So we’re in the late night drugstore and we’re walking by the sleeping pills. And it’s like all crazy cuz like I didn’t even realize we were walking past them cuz we weren’t really going down the drug aisle or nothing. But anyway, somebody/ies in here noticed and they had the impulse to go and check them out and so some of us had to scramble to block them. And like the other night they were all researching trying to find out ways that would freaking work and be successful and totally disappointed they couldn’t find this one website they found a long ass time ago. It had some serial info on what to do, what not to do, typical myths on how effective this or that was and ya know what you’re up against if ya fail and crap like that. And there’s just been some other stuff that’s been going on that’s had flashes of impulses to do stupid shit for dying. So like I know this body ain’t gonna die. I mean I know we aren’t that bad off right now cuz it hasn’t gone system wide yet. I mean it’s serious when I’m freaking tired off my ass and basically saying fuck it with most everyone else. And I ain’t there right now. I guess I ought to say that sometimes it ain’t dependent on that– it like depends on what’s going on with our system and who is involved and crap like that. So like whatever. There’s all that crap going on.

This body has also been hurting a little bit. It’s the kind of hurt where it bugs us from time to time and there’s like a sense that it fucking hurts major somewhere to someone/s, but it isn’t hurting those that front cuz it’s being all dissociated. Just more leakage of stings and sudden pain that disappears quickly or fades quickly once it registers in the brain, but there’s still this strong sense that the body is in pain. Mostly our neck and back area and occasionally the inside of our nose. But at the same time, we’re really not experiencing any major pain or dealing with any big pain. I mean it’s less than a constant headache because this crap just comes and goes, but it’s just all in the background and annoying as hell cuz ya know intellectually the body is miserable, but ya just ain’t really and truly feeling it, but yet you’re feeling something isn’t right and out of whack, but you’re so used to freaking ignoring it and pretending it ain’t there. It’s really fucking hard to explain. Sometimes our pain is like this and sometimes it’s like totally gone until someone (like the chiropractor or massage therapist) starts all touching the body and then we start feeling what’s there. Every now and then we actually get a real idea of how painful it is and it freaking sucks.

So I’m like sure there is more. I just wrote a freaking book and so I’m done for now. I saw a few Ambien pills or something from a long time ago that we got. I think they’re still good. It isn’t too late to take one. That’ll piss off some inside cuz I know they want to save what few they have “just in case.” So lame. That’s not gonna work to die. We just serially need some sleep. It’s like we’re tired to the max but can’t sleep and can’t really do jack shit either and we do have crap that needs to get done. I just figure if we can sleep and get up kind of early then we’ll be in a better place to deal with it than now.

So yah that’s some of the crap I live with. I deal with a lot inside that isn’t said here. I just get tired of all this crap. I didn’t used to have so much crap to deal with. I mean it was more centralized. Mainly about Julie’s mother and people who F-k with Julie’s friends and all that. But like now it is so freaking expanded it ain’t funny. I do so freaking ass more than any of this. And there’s tons I should like take care of or fix or whatever that Julie or the Julies have screwed up as usual, but like damn, there’s only so much I can freaking do. And if I gotta deal with the outside constantly, then I want my own freaking external body, my own freaking life, and things way the freak ass different and they can’t be that way cuz this is technically “Julie’s” life and body and there are some things that just can’t be messed with right now. Just if it was really MY life with my own external body and stuff like that– I’d be so so sooo living life totally different. WAY different. Really in a lot of ways the total opposite of how it is now.

Billie