Just felt the need to write a quick note. We just got home from therapy. We have about 3 pages of notes (very messy, scribbly kind of notes) (or perhaps others writing who don’t necessarily write often) of little things to hopefully jog the memory about stuff that really needs to be written down in more detail or context and processed regarding therapy and therapy issues. We spent time in the car afterwards taking some of these notes. If we didn’t have something to do this evening, I think we would have easily rested for quite some time in the car before heading home. We are SOooo Exhausted.

Oh also, we need to discuss our first physical therapy appointment and the PTSD type symptoms due to some situational stuff.

I have to pack an overnight bag and then head to my mother’s house. She has a dr.’s appt very early in the morning fairly far up north from here to see a specialist. It is horrific to drive to in rush hour and too much for her to get up and handle, and frankly, not easy for me/us to do either. So, she’s getting a hotel close by to stay in overnight and she can’t drive that far to begin with, so we’re driving her up there. She still hasn’t found the paperwork for bus assistance for disabled people. We had them send us an application and so we’re going to bring that with us tonight to take care of. Even still, I/we can still see times where she’s going to ask us for something like this or even for regular appts in the city (too far for her to drive to), that she’ll end up not using the bus thing b/c of some kind of reason, as it is basically like a door-to-door shuttle bus, so not necessarily directly getting there and being picked up earlier or later than necessary than if we were with her to take her to and from. Uggh. She doesn’t have that many appts and this thing is for a limited time for some specialists to check on some stuff that her other dr.’s can’t figure out completely. Anyway, so we’re doing that tonight and tomorrow. She does try to do something to help us out in return so it isn’t horrible or frustrating in that respect, it’s just still hard to have to deal with, commit to, get outside the house to do, etc. It’s just basically complicated and exhausting with a lot of mixed thoughts and emotions along with our own issues that make life functioning difficult. It takes a lot out of us and it does affect our functioning afterwards as we ‘regroup’ and regain whatever it is that we need after doing stuff like this (not just specifically with the mom, but that does add another dimension to things).

We’ve been having a pretty busy week so far and we have more appointments and things the rest of this week and stuff to do this weekend, although we have to remind ourselves we do have some time to ourselves. We just get overwhelmed with stuff, particularly when our schedule gets more filled with things we have to do or take care of or leave the house for or filled with expectations, being “normal” and the energy in masking things, etc. Uggh, such whining and complaining I guess. Just haven’t figured out how to deal with all of that stuff and there’s so much other stuff that is sort of pressing and not sure where to start with those issues and things. It’s hard to believe it could ever be different or more manageable or something.

We talked with Cec about the story/memory thing with some off-shoots here and there about some stuff and also mentioned the physical therapy PTSD symptom stuff. Mostly we just ended up afterwards having a ton to think about and motivation? inspiration? something… to really explore as a system on. Sort of like things to generally explore that are good to know and other things more specific to what we talked about to explore. It always feels good when therapy or reading people’s journals or talking with survivor friends prompts a flow of something that is hard to describe… but it is a good thing… and it gets things moving and stirred up to explore as a system, to communicate more, to understand, to resolve, to be healthier, etc. So we were glad to be experiencing that even amidst or rather towards the end of the tough session we had (tough in its own ways). The problem is remembering the things that were stirred up in the moving and flowing motivation/inspiration/whatever it is. A rush of thoughts, questions, insight, pieces of info that are important, will come through from time to time, and it’s trying to remember them or write them down quickly… and remember the thought or information you just received from someone long enough to write it down before it is zapped away for an unknown length of time.

Mostly though we are so, so, so exhausted. We already took a nap after physical therapy and we’re still extremely exhausted. We have to take into account though that we had a tough therapy session even though it was in appearances normal, regular, whatever. It wasn’t like that internally at all. We talked about very hard stuff. Anyway, so that is definitely adding to the exhaustion. We’re not looking forward to driving as far as we have to tonight, even with waiting until the worst of the rush hour traffic is over with. Personally we’d like to take a nap and leave late tonight, but we can’t do that. So we have to hurry up and put together some things to take with us, make a sandwich and stuff to eat for dinner, and go to the mom’s house. It is so hard going to see her or be around her after therapy. Our system just wants to be alone and process and deal with stuff and regroup afterwards, and it’s just so much worse having to go see my mother after therapy, especially when we really needed to talk about past stuff in therapy.

Oh well. I guess we’re kind of complaining or venting or something. Just processing, mentioning, talking things out. Whatever. I’m tired. We’re tired. We’ve got to go. Uggh.

Julie/s