i am… we are fighting such a plunge into deeper depression. i have no energy and i look at all the things i need to do, but i can’t make my body do them. i just feel the intense emotional sadness that keeps me tied down. it seems like we’re just wasting away time, unable to really focus on anything, and now an increase need to hide in bed and constantly sleep, which seems to feel comforting and healing. i don’t see how it is that.
i feel like this is some punishment. a punishment for telling and revealing things. for talking about a writing that is a memory or might be a memory or nothing. for putting some pieces together of the past and it seems like sharing this info relatively system-wide (to some degree at least). for having the audacity to attempt to be okay, to make progress on things…… oh how we can’t have that, and most certainly can’t have that if we are telling about things we aren’t supposed to tell or reveal to system members, let alone to people outside of us. i just hate all of this.
i know it is supposed to be something so simple in words and terms, but i/we don’t know how to unravel ourselves from this entrapment. it’s like we’re stuck in the middle of a briar patch, where we have this tiny bit of room to stand or sit (but not much else) and we’re surrounded by a briar patch… so every movement hurts and there isn’t anywhere to go. i guess we could dig our way out of this, but digging deeper into things hurts too. and the act of digging hurts because it is movement. so it is just hurt, hurt, hurt whatever we do, wherever we go.
julie/s with Julie around
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