Multiple Reflections

I’ve been thinking about some things lately.  I don’t think a lot of people realize that I’m more than just what they read or see from time to time.  For a long time Julie had me pegged as the “one who hates her mother.”  She also thought of me as a “protector” and of course, protectors (according to her knowledge at the time) are only angry.  The thing is she knew very little about me.  After awhile she began to see that I am passionate against injustice and am protective of her friends, whom I like to think as sort of my friends (those that know me at least).  I am now very protective of Noah and have disdain for mothers who abuse or neglect their children.  Fathers too, but my affinity is greater towards mothers.  I’ve never really had a relationship with Julie’s father other than general disgust at the pervert.  As for Julie’s mother, well, I’m personally acquainted with her so called mothering of the past and to some degree from time to time, the present these days–mothering or grandmothering.

In recent years I’ve been educating Julie by revealing more of myself to her, and letting her in on more things instead of blocking her so much.  I still block as needed, but I’m more apt to give her a chance to try and deal with whatever herself instead of jumping in right away like I used to for my usual defensive tasks.  And much to her surprise when I became more involved in her online support network, she found that I could actually write normally.  Well, I have to say, “duhhh” to that whole light bulb moment.  

I’m just a regular teen, 17 that is, that knows how to properly communicate to turn in a homework assignment and someone that is also capable of casual talk with friends or bitching or whatever the case may be.  And in this case, somewhere in between.  Wow, amazing, eh?  A total person with all kinds of fluid type roles and mannerisms according to the situation.

So basically somewhere along the line years ago Julie got it in her head that if I stepped the slightest outside of this box she had me in, then that meant I wasn’t real or true or some other thing and of course whoever I was talking to or whatever, they would know that too.  How lame but I get where all that came from– stereotypes and the fear to just let things go and let them just be what they are.

So now I sit here and I wonder if maybe it’s time to let go of some of my casual forms of communication.  It’s hard for me to imagine not saying crap or shit or frick or fucking or whatever for whatever reason, but especially when I’m totally pissed.  I mean how can I let go of the awesome words of ‘totally,’ and ’serially,’ and all that jazz.  So I don’t know totally how this is going to work, but I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now.

The last time when this really came up was when there was some discussion of me being the main front or one of the main fronters (i do a lot of shit internally and some externally), but there was this big problem of having some differences that would be hard to mask and cover as “Julie” to the world.  I’ve sort of done it from time to time and a lot of times when I rant about something people will just think Julie needs to calm down and chill out and basically shut up, because hey, I get passionate and on rants about things that really piss me off.  And Noah being fucked over by his mother for various things is totally one of those things I go off the edge on.  Julie doesn’t like it either.  I’m just more socially inappropriate in my venting and vocalization and expression and passionate energy and whatever.  And Julie’s mother has done a few screwed up things along the way with Noah.  It’s just that mind fuck and competition crap game and shit like that with Julie and Noah and uggh, it really pisses me off.  I keep Julie alert on it so she can like not get trapped in that crap because Noah so totally doesn’t need that and Julie can advocate for him and his rights.  I ain’t saying her mother is all bad with Noah.  She’s actually way better with him than she ever was with her kids.  But I have to say, I totally wonder if Noah wasn’t such an easy kid to be around with, to guide and teach and well take care of, then I really wonder how much Julie’s mother would be advocating for “spanking” (i.e. beating) or some other crappy ass parenting tactic.  As Noah’s gotten older, the same shit Bryan and Julie couldn’t get away with, well, Noah can’t get away with it either as much and her tone of voice, snappiness, mannerism, etc. becomes oh so familiar… but slightly toned down with Noah and slightly more patient and allowing more tests and things.  Like don’t ever make clicking noises with the ash trays in the backseat on the door in the car or don’t chew your gum (cuz it is always too loud for her) and never make a bubble and pop your gum around her.  Let’s see… there is a list.  But ya see, Noah totally has never been an average kid.  He’s just been this amazing wonder to guide and set limits with.  I think respect goes a long way with that and taking the time to teach and explain why there is a limit with whatever, but here’s what his options are instead.  And just choices of course and limits and following through.  And lots of specific thank yous and specific acknowledgement of the great choices he makes in listening and being helpful.  Ya know stuff like that.

So I’ve been thinking more about letting go of my usual identifying form of talking and writing, but I still don’t know how that is really going to work.  I don’t want to get older.  I like 17.  It works for me.  But maybe I’ll think about aging a little bit.  My biggest fear or weirding me out thing is how the more I’ve communicated with Julie and let her in on knowing me, the more she sort of wears off on me.  And that drives me nuts sometimes because the last thing I ever want to do is be like her.  Hence why I tend to gravitate to my usual and casual style of talking/writing/communicating.  And somewhere along this way, that’s where B.J. sort of has come in.  Sort of like I didn’t want to ever be like Julie and Julie didn’t want me to ever leave as she totally needs me and so B.J. just sort of ended up along the way as a way to deal.  In case nobody has figured it out it is Billie-Julie.  

So I don’t know.  Sometimes I feel like there’s this gravitational pull to bringing Julie and I closer and other times it is the last thing Julie or I would ever allow to happen.  Like I can see others choosing to merge or whatever, but I would be one of the ones staying and living this life as a team.  Well, hey, I can imagine it working out like that someday.  The whole harmony concept seems so far stretched right now, but it’s a goal anyway.

And the other biggest thing of all is there is no way in hell I could ever imagine merging with Julie or vice versa cuz there is no way in hell I will ever acknowledge her mother as my mother or even her father as my father.  I’ll acknowledge Bryan as a shared brother and Noah as a shared nephew, but the parents, no fucking way in hell.  And I’ll say to my grave that I don’t need parents and came of my own volition, thank you very freaking ass much.  I’m totally into logic and shit making sense, but as far as I’m concerned it makes enough sense and logic to me and I don’t care how impossible it sounds to not have a mother or father.  I just don’t have parents. I’m perfectly capable of existing without them.  The End.

Well on that note and the fact I’ve written like a serial book, I’m done for the night.

Austa,

Billie