Well like that’s what I’d call Julie today- a total therapy disaster. And really our system is just really unstable and shifting all over the freaking place. Imagine trying to balance a teeter-totter with one physical outside body but jumping from end to end and can’t get to the middle cuz that’s what it seems like.

Therapy was just weird. I got most of the scoop from far away and have the basic gist of what was going on. I feel like I totally am crappy and not doing a good job and not enough helping out. At the same time I’m like geez how much more do I have to freaking take care of!

We’ve like been seeing Cec later in the day on Tuesdays this month cuz of some stupid insurance rules of a real doctor being on site and crap like that. So it like should seem to not be a big problem but I gotta wonder if it’s affecting things cuz things have just been sort of “off” ever since that change. Not a whole lot and last week we were in a totally different room than ever before. Oh yah, my rant on that– the agency has “offices” that are “reserved” by the therapists for whenever they have a client– so no one particular office for any therapist. Well shit I gotta wonder if they couldn’t at least find a way to have 2 therapists share one office– 2 that have different schedules or something. I just hate the whole bland blah nothing blank offices and sometimes we’re in a different room. It just fucking sucks. Yah so I bitch, but hey, somebody in this system has got to fucking tell it like it is and bitch just for the sake of fucking bitching about something that is so fucking fucked up. It takes away the consistency and safety and shit. Whatever. I just think it is fucking assinine. Get this– they HAD a building where the therapists HAD their own separate offices but then they moved across the street to this other place and now the therapists don’t have their own offices. Oh yah, but they do sort of. The therapists have their own sort of office somewhere else in the building. I don’t know if it is cubicles or what the hell it is.. but elsewhere in the building they do have their own designated place… but no clients go there. Oh no… they all go to these rotating bland inconsistent fucking so called offices for clients. And yah, Cec, she does a damn good job of trying to keep the room/office the same as usual, but it don’t always work out that way.<

So never fear, I have ended my rant on that for today.

Basically things were just weird with therapy. Cec seems far away. It could be us, it could be her. We weren’t connecting with her. Well mostly it was Julie who wasn’t connecting with her and the Julie that was out is the one quite a few in here are revolting against and want her gone, outta here, obliterated from the front, etc. They never cease to remind her how much they hate her and can’t stand her and how much she disgusts them. And something weird was going on with us where like a lot of us were far away and disconnected from the front. So like the whole disconnect could totally be us. At the same time, Cec still felt pretty far away. So some of us are thinking and wondering that this later in the day appt just maybe ain’t cool for us cuz Cec is probably more tired closer to the end of the day and well, it seemed different when we had an earlier appt with her. Of course it could be all jumbled up because of this stupid freaking ass memory crap that has our system contorted and things all fired up inside with all kinds of things going off.

There was quite a few insiders that were totally messed up after therapy. There like totally shouldn’t have been any real reason why other than the ones who needed therapy time today didn’t get their therapy time and they’ve been waiting awhile. Other than there was crap that needed to be said but wasn’t said. Other than Julie had no freaking clue cuz it was so disconnected from her. Never mind the headache she mentioned and Cec asked her about it and if Julie thought someone was wanting to be out. Cec totally gave Julie the option of checking on it. Julie sort of did but really didn’t. That’s the thing about Julie. It’s like you have to freaking whack her on the head before she hears or realizes the others need something. It’s like how can she zip up a corner of the backpack and see the dollhouse people and think about how they needed and wanted their time last week… and think about Cec suggesting the ones who mentioned their hurt and pain last week to have time this week… and the door is like wide open with Cec giving the opportunity and oh no, Julie is totally clueless about what happened 10 minutes before she sits down in therapy and hears and sees mostly nothing and nobody. Julie only mentions she senses a few around but it’s not the same as usual. Uggh.

We didn’t have a totally planned course of things to talk about because of internal strife about therapy, about talking, about crap in general. And things got cut off and disconnected. Oh interesting… cut off. That just tipped off this really weird connection thing I heard someone else say about the whole heart thing from the memory and things and that whole weird symbolism there with the words and internal reaction today in therapy the week after telling that memory to Cec. Anyway, just saying crap that I heard cuz it isn’t the kind of thing I think about cuz that crap didn’t happen to me. I gotta say I’m so glad I don’t have to totally deal directly with all that sra shit. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me. I think I’d be one pissed off woman. I already get pissy as it is about crap and Julie’s mother and people that are rude and hurtful to friends, but that sra crap, omg, I think people would like really hate being around me cuz I think I’d be so totally pissed off all the time.

Anyway so we’re thinking again (cuz this has come up before) about creating a back up plan that works for everyone that they can use for days like this when there is just nothing prepared and really closed down to talk about the important things or more urgent matters or just something productive and helpful to the system. I’m not saying that what Julie talked about was a waste of time. I mean she did try to talk about the whole memory crap and believing it/not believing it and some wisdom she got from our RR friends. It’s just sometimes she sucks major at communicating, especially when things are really out of sorts internally and she knows nothing, hears nothing, thinks nothing, basically. It’s like she’s this blank vessel trying to fill in the blanks with what she knows but she is clueless in a lot of ways and she just doesn’t stand on her own with her own opinions and thoughts like I do a lot of the time.

So like there’s more but hey I wrote enough to clog a toilet. Therapy was weird today. It wasn’t totally what we immediately needed and it is our fault and it’s one of those frustrating things cuz we’re just all working against each other right now. Things are so haywired. I’m ultra tired of trying to deal with crap inside and now I’ve got my crap of things to watch over more and do outside. The depression is just eating my ass. I don’t really have depression but a lot of system members do, and crap, it still affects me cuz I’m living with them and dealing with them and it gets to me too in its own freaking way.

Billie