We’ve had a long day (at least it feels that way to us). We did get in a long nap (greatly needed) and a short rest that turned into dozing which caused us to rush to massage therapy without a shower. Yikes and due to the depression it’s been a few days.
We’ve started over with a new massage therapist to help with the car accident problems. Today was the second time with her and we really like her a lot. This massage therapy has actually turned into mostly craniosacral therapy with some massage. Craniosacral is new to us, but I think it is actually helpful. And today there was a powerful experience that prompted me to meet a new insider. (it wasn’t the purpose of the treatment… it just sort of happened due to an overwhelming trigger that I had no idea was a trigger) There’s still a veil of amnesia or dissociation and so my connection with this very little girl is still very minimal. The big thing is that I really made a very big effort to reach out to her and to rescue and comfort her. I don’t know what her trauma is or what hurts her or what she didn’t want to do (that’s all I got from her), but she cried…sobbed.. into my arms when I opened my arms up to her and she came running to me and I held her. I said all these nurturing things that I’ll write more about in depth when I’m not so tired and have more energy. Tears sprung up unexpectedly and suddenly into my own eyes as she came closer to me, and I remember feeling this need (and thankfully had some internal assistance) to maintain control of the body as we didn’t need to be switching and her possibly abreacting her trauma if I lost control and was gone. The tears did flow down my eyes and down the sides of my cheeks as my eyes were closed and I was holding and loving her. It was so easy this time with her, as in the past with others’ pain, it has been much harder to get close to and provide nurturing and reassurance like I did with her today. I’m not entirely sure what made it different today. I promised her that I would talk more with her later and I did try later today a number of times. I laid down and closed my eyes and tried going inside to find her and talk with her, but I kept getting distracted with my thoughts and feelings. Anything seemed to cause me to divert my attention in trying to go inside and look for her and talk with her and hold her some more. So I’d divert and then realize and come back to focusing and then I’d divert, etc. with repeating over and over. I don’t think I did a very good job, but I did make continued efforts and eventually I was holding her on my left hip and she was sucking her left thumb palm area and holding her blankie in her right hand and leaning her upper body against me. I don’t know what her past is or anything and I know there’s still a lot of pain she holds, but I’ve realized there is a difference in being able to withstand the pain and awareness of her and her distress, because comforting her and loving her seems to have really helped make things so much more manageable. Her pain hasn’t gone away, but it isn’t in this constant crisis at the moment and like it was early today when she was triggered and I found out about her.
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