Multiple Reflections

We’ve had a long day (at least it feels that way to us). We did get in a long nap (greatly needed) and a short rest that turned into dozing which caused us to rush to massage therapy without a shower. Yikes and due to the depression it’s been a few days.

We’ve started over with a new massage therapist to help with the car accident problems. Today was the second time with her and we really like her a lot. This massage therapy has actually turned into mostly craniosacral therapy with some massage. Craniosacral is new to us, but I think it is actually helpful. And today there was a powerful experience that prompted me to meet a new insider. (it wasn’t the purpose of the treatment… it just sort of happened due to an overwhelming trigger that I had no idea was a trigger) There’s still a veil of amnesia or dissociation and so my connection with this very little girl is still very minimal. The big thing is that I really made a very big effort to reach out to her and to rescue and comfort her. I don’t know what her trauma is or what hurts her or what she didn’t want to do (that’s all I got from her), but she cried…sobbed.. into my arms when I opened my arms up to her and she came running to me and I held her. I said all these nurturing things that I’ll write more about in depth when I’m not so tired and have more energy. Tears sprung up unexpectedly and suddenly into my own eyes as she came closer to me, and I remember feeling this need (and thankfully had some internal assistance) to maintain control of the body as we didn’t need to be switching and her possibly abreacting her trauma if I lost control and was gone. The tears did flow down my eyes and down the sides of my cheeks as my eyes were closed and I was holding and loving her. It was so easy this time with her, as in the past with others’ pain, it has been much harder to get close to and provide nurturing and reassurance like I did with her today. I’m not entirely sure what made it different today. I promised her that I would talk more with her later and I did try later today a number of times. I laid down and closed my eyes and tried going inside to find her and talk with her, but I kept getting distracted with my thoughts and feelings. Anything seemed to cause me to divert my attention in trying to go inside and look for her and talk with her and hold her some more. So I’d divert and then realize and come back to focusing and then I’d divert, etc. with repeating over and over. I don’t think I did a very good job, but I did make continued efforts and eventually I was holding her on my left hip and she was sucking her left thumb palm area and holding her blankie in her right hand and leaning her upper body against me. I don’t know what her past is or anything and I know there’s still a lot of pain she holds, but I’ve realized there is a difference in being able to withstand the pain and awareness of her and her distress, because comforting her and loving her seems to have really helped make things so much more manageable. Her pain hasn’t gone away, but it isn’t in this constant crisis at the moment and like it was early today when she was triggered and I found out about her.

I am not very clear on her age. I know she is very young. I know she isn’t older than 3… I think she is more around 2, but she might be closer to 1 1/2 years. Her features and some aspects of her are still very much in shadow form which I think is part of the layer or veil of dissociation or amnesia or whatever it is that formerly kept me unaware of her. I have no idea if she was aware of me or not. I suspect she didn’t and she was just one of those very hurt children that was so young and happened to be readily seeking rescue and love, nurturing, caring, etc. from anyone willing to give it that seemed safe enough.

I’m not entirely sure where she is right now. I think someone has been helping to take care of her now, but I’m not sure. I feel like I’m supposed to know, but I just don’t know, and I’m not getting any answers about it right now. At the same time, I sense too that she is with me and still sort of resting against me as I hold her on my hip. Then I think that must be impossible in being outfront and her connected to me like that inside, but then I think it isn’t impossible. I mean how many times has L.J. been close to me and near the front or others inside nearby me, but not outfront. I guess there’s this odd thing where this little girl is close to me, but at the same time she doesn’t feel very close to the front either. I think that is what is so confusing to me because it is this different feeling or sensation or experience.  Whereas if L.J. was this close to me, she could take charge of the body or be outfront in seconds. But then I think that isn’t a fair comparison because L.J. has years of practice and she has tons of internal energy that is very strong and she makes use of that energy when she wants to be out and can surpass many others from being able to come out if she wants outfront as well.

Anyway, it’s just one of those complicated and dynamical things that’s part of multiplicity or can be I suppose with being multiple.

I don’t know where Billie is but I imagine she’ll respond to comments fairly soon. Hopefully sometime later tonight or tomorrow. So I need to get back to doing a few things around the house tonight or resting. I’m not sure what we’re going to end up doing. I hope to get some very needed stuff done. I did complete 2 loads of laundry tonight, but still have to put the clothes up. We so badly needed to do laundry. I didn’t have any clean jeans or shorts and I was on the verge of being out of underwear. Not good and so I’m glad we finally got the basics cleaned. I should be able to wash towels and linens at my mom’s or brother’s house tomorrow. I also finally bought some stamps and put a bill in the mail and ran another errand today. So we’ve done a lot today especially with the depression we are fighting against. The late nap this evening seems to have really helped, but not that long ago I thought we could go back to sleep, but now I don’t, but then I figure I’ll get off the computer and the exhaustion and depression will creep back over me. At least that’s what happens quite often.

Well I ended up writing a lot more than I initially planned or thought I had the energy for. I still can’t find the energy or strength to write in detail the experience I had with this little girl. I wish I knew her name as I sense that she does have a name, but I suppose that will come in time or I’ll have an idea of what to identify her as.

Julie