It could be because we watched Law and Order SVU’s season premier in all it’s stereotypical multiple personality murderous evil alter and faker glory- the caveat being we watched it with the mother in a hotel room the night before her numerous doctor appointments simply because we forgot to prepare the taping of it before we left our home that night.

It could be because the mother was clueless at first about what was going on and so we explained it was stereotypical mp and here’s the child, that’s the teen, that’s the protector. Not really speaking to her after explaining that it was mp, but mostly speaking softly aloud to ourselves in exasperation at the flagrant dramatized stereotypes.

It could be because Dr. Huang (on SVU) provided the reminder to the mother and educational information that DID is caused by trauma, particularly sexual abuse. The psychological community perspective that is. And the thing (sexual abuse and DID) that isn’t discussed between us but known very well between us. The tension and uncomfortableness in the air was so icky.

It could be because we were essentially trapped in this hotel room with the mother and torn between wanting to watch it, albeit the stereotypes, because we forgot to tape it and now the mother was interested in watching it as well. Strangely though she fell asleep halfway through it and wanted to know the outcome of it in the morning.

It could be because this past Tuesday we informed the mother that we had reached the top of the waiting list for a low-income apt in the ‘big city’ and to expect a possible reference check since we have lived with her in the past 5 years. Thankfully though for almost a year we’ve been on our own in a suburb about 20 minutes away from her.

It could be because the mother clearly was not happy to receive this news and seemed angry but the kind that lies just underneath everything she says as though she will explode in yelling at any time. But she doesn’t; though she has exploded in the past.

It could be because the mother asked questions regarding the possible move and why. If it was because of this financial thing or that. Yes it does have some to do with finances, but it also has to do with other things. It would be nice to not have to juggle money to the degree that we do now between food and electricity and just general basic needs. There are many reasons why there are positives in making this future move, though there are some drawbacks and some fears in it. But there are just as many drawbacks, if not more, by staying here in the apt we live in now.

It could be because the kids were frightened by the mother’s clear unhappiness and anger underneath the surface and disapproval leaking all over the place though she didn’t come outright and say so. But she might as well have done so by asking the questions the way she did and then proposing other options.

It could be because the mother said pull over into there– and directs us to a mobile home park not far from where she lives. We ask why but she doesn’t really say so. We just do it. This was on Wednesday (the day after we told her) and on the drive back to her house after a long day of dr. appointments. So we do this and she says that she can’t promise, but if she could find a way to buy us a mobile home would we be interested in living there (at this park)? Uh, no, not really. She says we’d be responsible for the space rent and utilities, etc. So I tell her that is easily $300-$400 for space rent alone. She can’t imagine that in this park (the looks of it) that it would cost that much. I do, some of us can imagine that. We may as well stay where we’re at now. And even if we’re wrong, we’d rather stay where we’re at now than move to a place that she owns. Additionally, it will likely require a lot of upkeep (b/c she spoke of buying a very cheap mobile home and having our brother fix it up) and it’s just a PIA to move. We’d rather stay where we’re at or make a significant move elsewhere, i.e. to the big city versus just moving to another suburb that is closer to her and in her town.

It could be a ton of underlying things that has caused this to be all twisty and twirly inside for some of us. It was a big thing to move out of her house again. It’s a big thing to move further away from her. It’s a big thing that this is going to cause tension in the family dynamics. The body is 32 years old and from 18-32 years old, we have only lived away from the mother for about 4 years now total, and that was separated into 3 separate occasions (including this last move-out). It is pathetic and shameful, but it is what it is and it is some of why this whole separation and moving out thing and moving further away is such a big deal and it is difficult for some inside to cope with all the stress and tension. We’re coping with it (I think), but I’m also wondering if some of this stuff is adding to the depression and lack of coping with life right now. I know how contradictory that last statement is, but I just don’t know what’s going on, other than something is going on or we’re going through another major depression funk that is pretty bad and lasting quite awhile in its severity.

It could very well be mother issue crap because it doesn’t take much in our environment to set off lack of coping with life and major depression to go from crappy manageable to shitty unmanageable. Not much of a difference but enough of a difference to be problematic in life, particularly with friendships and just general responsibility of life needs and tasks. The unbalanced scale just got tipped further along the negative realm and it seems to be staying there or sinking deeper, not returning to its former unbalanced self.

It could be a lot of other things. It could be that it’s the end of September and approaching October and all that this season brings for us.

It could be that we’re overwhelmed with our apt and need help with it but at the same time needing to find a way to deal with it on our own.

It could be so, so many things we can’t write about, don’t have the energy to write about, and really it just doesn’t matter that much.

We’re just worn out and tired and no amount of sleeping or mind numbing spacing out and regrouping time is helping.

Hell, for that matter, we’re finally just coming back around to the front again. We just want to go escape and disappear inside again as it is just too much right now.

Julies