Multiple Reflections

we are an emotional wreck. and we’re fine. and we’re not. but we’re living.

too exhausted, too emotionally drained, too trapped in some pit, too tired to fight anymore right now to write. to write about our day. our fucked up day. how everything with us is just messed up. to write about what a shitty fucking crappy ass friend we are to our friends.

what does it matter. it will happen. it’s always a matter of time. a total disappointment. a total frustration to people.  irresponsible, immature, piece of crap.

why. why write such niceties and not say what the heart screams. the mind reels in its own tear stained self-hatred of such yuck. i don’t care.  this is what our real journal would say.

we’re depressed. we’re screwed up. we’re messed up. we got lost driving today somewhere we drive weekly to more or less. we took an exit we’ve taken before.  not a usual one, but one we’ve taken in bad traffic or if stuck in a lane and don’t wish to risk getting out of it.  we turned on a street we recognized.  but it didn’t matter. we got lost for about 45 minutes to an hour.  it only took close to 30-45 minutes before realizing we needed to call friends to find someone to tell us where the hell we were and how to get to where we needed to go.

we don’t know where Jules was. she’s our main driver. she does other stuff and she’s a better friend to people than us but she’s the best driver around for us.  she’s extra good at sense of direction. when she’s around. when she’s present. and that was only one of the screw-ups we did today.

it also just says how bad we’re doing. getting lost to the degree that we did today.  we collectively (at least it seems) have a good sense of direction. usually. it doesn’t take us very long at all to figure out we are going the wrong way or how to navigate ourselves to where we need to go. not today. round and round in circles we went. big round circles on different streets. all the same. we still got ourselves turned around literally several times.  and had no idea really until basically at the end of things as we were figuring it out and after we called some friends.

and we made another bad driving decision today which definitely made us beyond possible to get to therapy on time. we knew we were pushing the time limits since we got lost and had to stop and wait at one more place than we thought we were going to have to be at. but we were going to make it. until we decided to try another way back to drop someone back off at home.  stupid, stupid, stupid. we don’t know that area of town well. it is rush hour and we wanted to go the freeway way. oh yah, right, that’ll be fast. why not the fast way with directions that we took to get there. off the freeway. oh no. what idiots we are. what total fucked up in the head we are today. no thinking straight. clouded. mixed up. no Jules to say that’s not a good idea. no nothing. no intelligent thinking.

so we are in the big city and have to go south in rush hour traffic.  and we are finally about to get on the freeway to head that way. the freeway is needed there.  that’s fine. except between all that has happened today along with the stupid idea of taking someone home via the freeway in the city area before we got on the freeway to go south.  we should have stayed in the city traffic. it was so light and easy the way we went to get there. why why why could we not use the brain. because we thought it would be quicker and faster and there was a sign for the freeway that we could go on to go from slightly north of the city to the city itself. stupid. a sign that basically had us travel a good 2-3 maybe 4 miles till we finally get to the entrance. in city traffic during rush hour with traffic lights. stupid.  we didn’t know that area of town well so had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

we just suck. and all of this could have happened and still been ok if we hadn’t of not slept last night then layed down for a little bit and then stayed awake but drifted and then into a sleep by accident to make us late.  and then somehow it took us longer to leave the house than we thought.

whatever. we called Cec and we ended up rescheduling therapy.  we couldn’t decide what to do. we didn’t know what to do. just that we so badly need to see her this week and truly even if we could have made it for 5-10 minutes of our session we would have taken it if she couldn’t reschedule for this week. things are already barely holding.

we don’t know why. not at all.

except it is just us. stupid fucked up screwed up messed up us who disappoints friends, hurts friends, angers friends, and just screws things up overall. not just here today but other days.

we just suck and hate ourselves so bad.  it’s this, it’s that, and it’s so much more that churns inside always and eats away at us until it naws on the remaining bones of what is left of us.  there’s not much more left of us these days.

so if asked how we’re doing, depending on the mood and desire to mask or who it is, the answer would be fine, okay, hanging in there, and possibly even better if certain others were out and in a certain position that required even greater publicly acceptable responses.  but this is how we’re doing today. this is how it is inside most days. some days not this extreme, at least not on the surface anyway. not close to the front. but today, this is sort of some of the truths behind that fine, ok, hanging in there garbage.

no we’re not really fine, not ok, and don’t know why the fuck we’re hanging in there.

oh and excuse the horrific writing style and all that other junk. we don’t do that well either and don’t care to bother fixing it. it isn’t what we do.  that’s why we have others in here who will do it better and some can do it very well they just don’t show up all that often. whatever. this is the way we bother to talk and write.

why do we even worry what others think. because we’re stupid and idiotic. because we just need to go drift away again for awhile.  we’re just not with it. i guess we’re trying to be with it by writing, by something. should password protect this but don’t have that set up. don’t have the notifications sent out. and why. why and who are we protecting from the shit that spews out from us today. why the fuck care anymore. because we do. and wish we really, really didn’t. not caring makes it easier to die and succumb to our volition.

and no, we’re not saying who we are. not right now anyway.  so enjoy, Julie.