Multiple Reflections

We are doing a bit better than the other day. Still kind of shaky in some ways, but definitely better than the last post that was written. It probably has some to do with the fact that we’re closer to the front now as we (Julies) have been somewhat MIA for a few days to a week. Yes, not necessarily MIA the whole time, but there have been a few days this past week where we’ve been MIA for many hours or the entire day. Even still, we’ve been significantly far away for many days this past week and have had little to no influence on what was going on out front and for some of it, we’ve essentially just been gone and/or things have been too hazy and foggy and just out of it. Things have been kind of a mess. It takes energy to unravel system messes and we just don’t seem to have much energy to do that these days.

We did get some things done yesterday which was a good thing. Still have a ton of things left to take care of, namely our apt disaster. It’s constantly a battle… make a little or a lot of progress and then we crash or things go downhill and so does the apt… and then things get more overwhelming and can’t cope with it, and not coping with life, and it is just this endless cycle we’d really like to stop. The longer we go without maintaining something cleaning-wise, the more intense the ones with OCD have about if we’re going to clean it, we must do it right and super clean it so that all we have to do is maintain it and only super clean once in awhile. Maintaining it means normal cleaning and so super clean means ultra clean every thing, move things to clean, clean the top of cupboards, sometimes walls or ceiling (though thankfully this hasn’t felt necessary here in this apt to do unlike the need to do so at the mother’s house), dust books, etc. And so the craziness in all of this is by mentioning any of this, one would assume that our definition of mess is not really a mess. No, it truly is the other extreme.

Life here right now is about watching carefully where you step because there are little pathways at the moment with things cluttering the floor. We’ve been using a small trashcan (the one usually in our bedroom) for trash or just a trashbag on the kitchen floor or rather the counter at the moment. Why not the real kitchen trashcan– because it is awaiting the OCD super clean of the inside and outside, which hasn’t been done because no energy and there’s been other things needing priority over that at the moment since we do need some space to clean it properly. There is nothing that makes sense in trying to explain how it works in this head and how all the dynamics play out and pulls and tugs from different ones inside over how such and such needs to be done. And then there’s just the system-wide exhaustion and lack of energy and tired of fighting thing which doesn’t really motivate or provide much for taking care of necessary things.

Just saw the time and have to rush to get ready and out the door for therapy. Didn’t realize how late it was.

Julie/s