I do not know what to say. Therapy happened. A homework assignment was given. KOD didn’t show up again. It seems it is beyond our control and lies within the Functions. We do not know what else to call them, it, or what it is. It just happens the way that it does. So KOD didn’t introduce himself to Cec. It is hard to know if he will do so. I suppose for that matter he has never introduced himself to group, but alas, it isn’t really appropriate and it would be bizarre for him to do so. It seems so unfair to the others on the Otherside. It took years for them to ever open up and when they did, it was with Wendy. Well I suppose some of them tested the waters with Alysa, but Alysa betrayed them so horribly. Wendy was so good to them and so helpful. And then she pushed us away, went away, got rid of us, etc. Not entirely true, but true to their perceptions and feelings. It took a long time in many ways for them to open up to Wendy, although short in some ways due to the decision to risk take in order to know whether it was right or not to stay with Wendy. We didn’t want to replicate the Alysa therapeutic relationship and be hurt again by a therapist. And even though it wasn’t replicated, we did sustain hurt by another therapist. Yes, it was our fault, under the circumstances. Wendy also held responsibility in her choices as well.
It seems so unfair and so wrong that once again the others on the Otherside are left fending for themselves. That their hurt, their stories, their safety to heal remains unheard, invisible, unknown. It’s been like this since we knew we were being forced to leave therapy with Wendy. So it’s been like this for over 2 years. Now we have Cec– someone who knows about multiplicity and ritual abuse and other horrific torture. This should account for her being a safe person, someone to trust, etc. Yet the powers that be do not allow it for whatever reason. We try, we push ourselves, but it is a futile effort. The Functions, the whatever inside that we struggle to identify and yet identify when they are involved in some capacity (usually can identify them involved), prevent this from happening. From letting go and being vulnerable with Cec. And in many ways, The Functions aren’t people– they are computer functions, programs, some kind of it that exits, as though robotic, computer like, programmed like, and yet at times they seem to be like people, but other times like objects, and other times just some kind of function. It is so hard to describe because they themselves are beyond our reach to ever understand. We aren’t allowed to know as we are not given access to them. They remain unreachable and yet in control of things. When they become involved, it is pointless to even try to change anything because it will be a waste of time. We will end up in endless circles and frustration for ourselves, for the therapist attempting to help, etc. A more productive use of time can be spent with others in the system.
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