I feel like I need to write something, but I’m not exactly sure what to write about. There’s a lot of stuff going on inside and we’re coping in some ways, but in a lot of ways we’re not doing well. We seem to be struggling with one another and with various issues that continue to haunt us. There’s been a few times when our system has mostly united and when we do, it always seems like we’re a force to reckon with. I don’t know why or how that happens other than those times have been when we’ve been majorly triggered or it is something so deeply important or crosses something within that is like a dominoe effect of groups aligning with other groups about some particular issue or thing. So I imagine if we could unite in some kind of way or be in agreement or something, that things would be so much easier and smoother. Perhaps not, but it is the illusion at least that draws me to it, except there is a shit load of crap in my way that I’ve… we’ve yet to figure out what to do with and how to get through it.
We’ve always basically struggled with the concept of “don’t let the abuser win,” or “the abuser wins” if you aren’t “good” and don’t show them you are better than whatever. That whole mentality has never worked for us and so many inside simply do not understand or get it on the level we’re supposed to understand in order to utilize this belief process and motivate action. We’ve tried so much to understand what it really means and how it can work for other survivors, but it doesn’t ever compute well for us. I know it must be such a simple concept and to some degree, some of us understand it intellectually (sort of), but there is zero emotional understanding to it. I think because we must believe what the abusers said or something. I think there is more to it, but it is something so untouchable and far away, but I know it is big and huge, whatever it may be. I know that some kids for some of the abuse, that they did and do look at the abuse as a game and to win and stuff. It’s hard to explain and I’m not saying it right, but they’ve used the words, game and win before. But this is different in a way.
I read something not that long ago which seemed to help something “click” for us that seems to basically mean the same thing, but in a different way. It had something to do with not punishing myself anymore for what happened to me and what I had to do to survive. (I’m using I very loosely here… it’s we for sure) That I don’t have to punish myself for being bad, etc. At the time I was able to take in this belief process a little bit, but mostly though it is protected and shoved away by this wall of self-hate, self-loathing, that goes so far beyond words. There’s so much more within these walls that I can’t reach or put into words, but yet I know it is there.
I don’t know who said it or what the entire context was in therapy, but something was said in relation to ‘safety,’ and basically someone said that we weren’t safe unless we didn’t exist. I think that’s what was said. It wasn’t about being invisible or hiding. It was simply not existing– that it would give us safety and freedom from the pain. I’m sort of adding words to all of this based on the few tid bits of the gist of what was said or meant.
I don’t know– I’m just sort of writing random thoughts for some reason. And I just spaced out and have returned and my mind is now blank.
Julie/s