Multiple Reflections

Well this seems rather stupid to write down, but at the same time, it has its own importance right now.  I think it is good to write it down and make it a statement and acknowledge it.  Of course as I am about to do that, there are others saying it isn’t true and making this a bigger thing and reality than it truly is.  Sigh.  So I don’t know.  I do know that tonight I watched a movie on t.v. and one that I’m reasonably sure I’ve seen before, but it’s been a long time.  At any rate, out of the blue, while watching it, the thought came tumbling through my mind that I am/we are doing just about anything, including absolutely nothing and just whatever will mind-numb or just spacing out, etc., along with whatever else, to distract and avoid thinking and feeling or dealing with stuff right now.

So this really has to change because it isn’t productive, and right now it isn’t helpful because it is excessive and it is to avoid strong feelings or thoughts or inner communication.  Somehow these activities minimize what I hear and know and things go on without changing.

Something happened Sunday evening with Noah’s mother, Staci.  She and I talked and we were both honest, direct, and discussed a range of issues from the past and present.  All of this happened with immense emotional stress for a discussion along with the ever present lack of trust the two of us have with one another and as it surrounds both families.  I wrote about some of it, but couldn’t post it.  It’s really affecting us because of some things she said about Noah, and if I trust what she is saying is true as to Noah’s inner feelings about some things in general, well, we’re having a hard time with it.

Noah is a prime reason we stay alive.  He is the prime reason we manage to defend against any stupid attempts or anything any more self-destructive than we do now.  I’ve/we’ve done everything we could to help build his self-esteem and a number of other things to give him the emotional support, love, respect, encouragement, etc. that we didn’t have growing up.  I know people have told me that I’m a good Aunt and that Noah is lucky to have me in his life.  Most of the time I can believe that I’ve done and do a good job being his Aunt.  I’ve been reading parenting magazines and books since I can remember– definitely early teenager, but I’m pretty sure even before then.  There’s a lot I still struggle with– gray areas that I’m not so clear about what the right thing or best thing to do is.  I know what abuse is, and that doesn’t happen– it’s just these gray areas that I struggle to know exactly what lesson I’m teaching him, how am I affecting him by what I say, etc.  It’s a bit hard to explain.  For the most part, we have regularly discussed certain things trying to analyze and determine if this and that interaction was okay, what could have been done differently, what lesson or thought or extra information did I miss out on the opportunity to provide him, etc.  I’m/we’re always evaluating to the best of our abilities our interactions with him and what can I/we do better on.

Even still, I’ve always harbored a huge fear that somehow I will inadvertently screw him up.  After all, I’m still in my healing journey and still learning healthy family interactions and healthy relationships.  While I’m aware of some of the family dynamics, I would be remiss to say I’m aware of all of them.  So I tend to worry that somehow I’m missing out on seeing something very important.

I’m trying to figure out if I’m explaining this well.  I know what I mean when I say gray areas… mostly it is this hard to describe thing.  It’s like I know that abuse is the black part and I know what that looks like and I know that we’ve been very protective of Noah regarding any form of abuse.  So I know that is okay.  The white area I suppose is the healthy relationship and the best kind of interaction with a child.  I think I know what that white area is and I’m always aspiring to it to the best of my ability.  But I question if my knowledge is sufficient or good enough, and whether I see the white area clearly without any taints of unknown, out of awareness family dynamics and interactions that are on the gray scale continuum.  So a lot of times I think such and such is okay, but often there is a question of whether it truly is as white as it appears to me (or at least on the light gray side).  I wonder if I’m seeing things clearly.  I have checked out a number of things in the past with friends and at times in therapy and that has helped.

Basically Staci made some comments that were in reference to Noah’s emotional well-being in general as it related to our family in general.  So I’ve been in turmoil of wondering to what degree did I contribute to any of this.  I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve realized afterwards that while such and such interaction was okay, I would still realize later that I could have said or done this or that to have made it even better.  I was shocked at some things she said and I have wracked my brain to understand Noah’s feelings and perspectives and how they came to be.

And of course it stirs up a number of intense emotions for us.  Personally and internally.  And also as it relates to my own mother.  I realize that my mother loves me.  Some events in recent years has led me to believe (for the most part) that my mother meant well and had good intentions, but she was limited in her abilities to be the quality mother I needed.  This whole statement has a lot of loaded emotions and thoughts with it.  So I’ll just say a lot is going unsaid about this topic.  Oh and not everyone inside believes this because they believe she had a number of choices and chose not to take them.

This will remain unfinished.  Too much stirred up and just can’t go there right now.  Not ready to.  Still processing inside about things.  Was going somewhere with all of this and lost where we were going with it.

I’m/we’re devastated to hear a little bit about Noah’s perspectives and feelings on some things.  I realize this is coming from Staci and so some of it could be her interpretation of things, but I also think I need to trust that what she relayed to me is reasonably accurate to what Noah has told her.  I got the impression that some of it was a persistent perspective and feeling, and I never wanted him to have to go through those feelings, and most certainly to not have been involved in any capacity with it.  I don’t know yet to what degree I affected Noah somehow in all of this.  It’s just I never wanted this for him.  I’ve made such conscious efforts to not have this happen.

I’m not sure I’m making sense.  We’re just so upset about this.

We intend to continue communication with Staci and Staci indicted she was open to it and would like for it to happen as well.  So we will hopefully understand more and we will have to seek advice on whether or how to approach things with Noah so that it is done in the best possible manner.