Dream- Mother Stuff, Ballet, and general weirdness

So I just woke up from this bizarre dream. I’ve wasted time writing another entry instead. We really were planning to lead up to the dream but by the time we were ready to write about this dream, it was necessary for another separate journal entry. So hopefully enough information still remains in the memory bank to write about it.

Important information as to how some of it came about– This evening, mother issues and things were discussed at length and we also listened to others talk about this topic and so that may be part of why we had this dream. Additionally, I’m not completely certain, but I think ballet may have come up at some point in the conversation tonight (in real life). I’m still not certain about it, as it may have just been on someone’s mind inside from several days ago or something.

I think our friend, Matt of Myriad, might get a kick out of knowing he was in our dream as it related to ballet. I’m not sure if he will enjoy it as much as someone else in their system might, but still, it was kind of neat and interesting. We both have talked about someday (who knows) of taking a dance class together. That would be awesome.

So here’s the biggest interesting aspect of the dream, especially after having discussed mother issues. My mother “rescued” me in part from this evil woman and her cronies. But my mother didn’t truly actively rescue me. We just went to her and she was helping, mostly by following our lead. Which is interesting because I know Billie was talking tonight about the mother’s betrayal to us when we disclosed about the father and how my mother faked being supportive and then turned on us in the most horrific and overt ways and became very abusive in reference to the father abusing us and going to therapy, etc. That was the last time our system ever has taken a large risk in trusting the mother with anything very personal. Billie showed up (was created) about that time as well. I think occasionally H.D. or someone else or myself might slip with some personal stuff from time to time, but not ultra personal or to the degree that our friends or therapist know, etc. For that matter, not anything to the degree that is disclosed here on our journal.

So I’m not sure how it began or what started everything. The pieces that I remember are that I’m trying to escape, run away, hide, outsmart, outwit, yadda yadda… the usual and constant theme of every dream (or 99.9% of every dream) that I can recall. This theme is always there in some capacity. So this time it was mainly from this evil woman and these men, but I think there were some women as well that were in allegiance or something with this evil woman.

So I remember that I’m trying to escape from this e-woman. There seems to be a lot of doors or at times rooms that were like mazes with doors that were more like stalls or something. So in those cases– had to be a bit extra careful to not be seen. There were also other hiding places… but don’t really recall those… just know there was this sense of checking out and looking and deciding if such and such place was possible to hide in, unlikely to be looked in or found if we chose to trap ourselves in such a place, and also kind of like a maze. It’s hard to explain because it wasn’t truly a maze in the standard sense– someone inside just keeps using that word to describe it. I guess because we kept going through a lot of doors and running around through whatever trying to find our way out to a safe place or a good place to hide and escape.

But just when we think the coast is clear we happen to turn a corner or something and the e-woman sees us because of the stall or something or another. So not sure who gets us or traps us– but do know that her cronies also have something to do with it. The next thing I remember is being given a shot. After that, the next thing I recall is basically being told and she was taunting me about how she had HIV and I didn’t and she used her dirty needle on me and these other women with her– there was something wrong with them too… and she had also used that dirty needle on them too before it was used on me. So basically it was expected that I now had HIV like her and who knows what else.

After that, the next thing I remember is related to dancing. I’m being forced to dance and ballet is the form of dancing that is happening. There are a number of children ranging in ages and I think some other adults as well. Even though it isn’t really said aloud, there is this sense of knowing that they too have been captured by this e-woman and being forced to dance. Apparently I’m rather rebellious in this dream, because I seize every opportunity to try and escape or find some way to get the hell away from this woman and her cronies. To the point that I end up with shackled legs and then when we do some kind of ballet dance related to Peter Pan, then my arms are shackled. Now of course when we are presenting our dances to the public, the shackles are off and hidden and nobody suspects what is going on.

This e-woman apparently thinks I have potential or am good at certain things. She wants to use me to show off to the public. She also speaks of my ability to do pirouettes, which frankly in real life, we really can’t do very well, but the inside kids especially do try from time to time. This e-woman is very obsessive about keeping me chained to her. Even though the other kids and adults trapped are important to her, it feels like I’m extra important to her for some reason and that it would be really bad for her if I were to get away and escape.

Oh someone is reminding me about some part of the dream (earlier in it) that there was something about a grocery store and some kid toys…like doll toys and a miniature girl toy of some kind that someone(s) inside really wanted but we didn’t have the money to buy it. There was also something else in relation to this store and stuff, but it is too fuzzy to say anything about it. From there some other stuff happened that is fuzzy as well, but I think it lead up to the e-woman and her cronies.

Anyway, the overall gist of the dream is this e-woman mocking me and being quite pleased with herself for the control she has over me and how even when I try to escape, I still lose and get caught. Which is so demoralizing for us as we really need to believe and like to believe we are good at “getting away” from the bad people. At some point, I’m “playing the game” well enough and during a performance I see a chance to escape. So I take it and suddenly it seems like I’m in a church. It feels like the church is also related to the performance place too. I end up around some stairs and I believe if I can go upstairs that I will find a secret hiding place and that they won’t expect me to go upstairs, but rather to escape the place altogether. Except for some reason the stairs don’t lead to where I think they are going to lead, and it is actually a dead end. The only way to escape that and try the other side and the other stairs (which has to lead to where I think it will lead… to secret hiding places), that meant risking being caught and more dangerous to do that. I think we decide to take the risk anyway. However we have to take a detour or partake in plan B and look closer at these tall cupboard type things that have dark wood to them and see beyond the first glance at them that perhaps it might be possible to hide in these until late at night when they are sleeping and we can escape then. So we look further beyond the initial opening of the cupboard (as at first it doesn’t seem like it has a secret hiding place or is big enough, etc.) And we see that we can hide there. We are running out of time and so we get in but we are trying to get the doors on the outside closed and to look like they haven’t been disturbed and like we are hiding in them. No sense hiding if you can’t make the outside look normal and be safe that way. I can’t remember if this hiding place worked out or not. I think we were either caught while trying to close things up and look normal or we opted to do something else at the last minute and not get trapped there if we couldn’t conceal ourselves well enough to risk putting ourselves in a position of being trapped.

The next thing I remember is having escaped and I’m running and there are cars and some people around… but that aspect is very foggy… the part that I recall is suddenly seeing my mother near my car which is her car. Incidently, the car I have now in real life used to be her car years ago. I go to her and I’m curious if she has been looking for me or wondering where I was. She kind of indicates that she has sort of, but it also feels like a half-ass attempt on her part. This part of the dream for memory we are divided on. In some ways, I think my brother is safe in the dream and in other ways I think he is being held captive and trapped in some way by the e-woman. So I know in the dream there is some conversation regarding my brother and whether he had said anything about me and I think I know or am convinced in the dream that he knows that I’m not safe and being hurt and trapped, etc.

Anyway,l I tell my mother what happened to me and I mention the shot and the HIV and that I’m not the only one being hurt and trapped and I have to go rescue them. This part of the dream also contains some disagreement over whether this part is true for the dream or not. I think we also got our mother to agree to go with us on the basis that my brother needed saving. But others think he was already safe in the dream somehow and not part of this. So I don’t know.

In the dream my mother is her age now and with her physical disabilities and stuff. I’m sort of “lost” in the dream and trying to figure out where I need to go and where this place was that I was held captive at and (someone says to write) tortured. Something to do with a parking lot and if I can get across this parking lot/garage thing and look out the open window-like access and look up, that I might see it on top of a hill or something. My mother is moving slowly and I tell her she can just wait there– I just want to go and see if that’s the direction it is in. I don’t remember past that part.

The next thing I remember is getting in her car but then I ask her if she would prefer that I drive because it is nighttime and she has difficulty driving for any long distance. So I get out of the passenger side and get into the drivers side. Then I drive absolutely crazy and ignore some of the rules of the road as I’m just trying to get where I need to go right away and stuff. There isn’t a lot of traffic and what I do is safe, but there are some drivers on the road who witness this and probably think I’m crazy. I am at some intersections and there are numerous hills in different directions and the roads are sort of like freeway interchanges and stuff– quite confusing and you have to pick the right road or you’re screwed for a little bit until you can get yourself on the right road. For whatever reason, I’m asking my mother which road to take in how to get to this place. So she is directing me where to drive. I follow her directions even though I remember thinking she is taking me the wrong way and that it won’t take us to the hill that she thinks it will take us too. I’m pretty sure that on the road I find out that I was right, but I don’t really recall this part of the dream.

We end up in a different area that I don’t recall passing by in my escape. Lots of shopping areas and stuff. I’m very frustrated because I have no idea where I came from, but I know it exists somewhere nearby and it is *really important* that I go back there to save the other children and adults and also to “tell on” that e-woman and her cronies and get them in trouble with the police and so forth. Somehow or another as I’m about to give up, I run into this woman that looks familiar– it is like I’m positive that she’s been to one of my performances and so I ask her and she says yes. I’m trying to get her to remember me. I also tell her about what that e-woman did. I’m asking her if she remembers where that place was and how to get there. She says she has this woman’s card in her pocket and she is reaching deep into her pants pocket when her young daughter comes out of her own dance class. I see the little girl and I quickly go over to her and make sure she is safe and okay and not trapped. She says yes and that she is away from the e-woman and that she has a new dance teacher and she is happy and things are much better. So I get the info from the girl’s mother/lady I was talking with. Oh and I told this lady all the bad stuff that happened to me and her daughter and stuff and what the e-woman had done, etc. I don’t remember actually the conversation and much of what happened in relation to this woman in the dream really– just know it happened.

The next part is really fuzzy but pretty sure we get to the bad place again. Pretty sure there was something to do with trying to save the others and helping them to escape. It’s all very fuzzy and foggy. I’m not sure much happened at this part as I/we may have woken up shortly after getting to this part of the dream. I’m not entirely sure.

It’s just a weird dream and can easily be read into as to what it is symbolizing and meaning at different points in the dream. At least it seems that way to me while I’m writing it.

Usually in October our dreams are more abuse related to stuff in October or have other scary themes with it. So this dream is unusual for its timing but also very interesting.

Oh yah, just glancing over what was written. Someone fairly young from Myriad’s system was there and in a way it was Matt and in a way it was a young girl from their system. I think depending on whatever part of the dream– that it may have changed from time to time as to who was there from their system. They were mostly our only safe support there even though they were also being hurt and trapped. It was just that we couldn’t always tell who was safe in this group and who wasn’t. Well some inside say that was the case but I don’t really remember this aspect of the dream very well. It seems some of the ones in the group were aligned or in allegiance or something with the e-woman and so if any of the others “got out of line,” well they would help the e-woman to keep us trapped or tell on us or something and just make it extra difficult to escape. But we know someone in Myriad’s system who was being hurt was also wanting out of it too. It seems like there was something else in relation to them and the dream and us, but I just don’t remember it.

The other thing is that usually I’m not the only one trying to escape, hide, outsmart, outwit, etc. in my/our dreams. Usually I’m with a group of children and sometimes a few adults too. This time I was by myself but associated with children and some adults also being hurt and trapped. But I was escaping by myself and I know I felt bad at some point for leaving the others but I had to get away and I was determined to come back with some help and get them saved and away from the e-woman and the bad people.

Okay– wow, I guess I had more to write about this dream than I realized. I’m glad I got up to write about it instead of just trying to go back to sleep. It seems like this dream was important. Mostly the shocking thing of all was that I went to my mother and she tried to help rescue me or save me or something. At the same time, she didn’t really. I guess it was more that she was supportive and believed me and willing to go along with me and try to help. I guess that was the shocking part. Frankly, it was me that was the one taking action and pushing things along to tell about what happened to me (Such a blabber mouth that I am) and to go back and save the others and help rescue them. She (the mother) had nothing to do with that.