So I just woke up from this bizarre dream. I’ve wasted time writing another entry instead. We really were planning to lead up to the dream but by the time we were ready to write about this dream, it was necessary for another separate journal entry. So hopefully enough information still remains in the memory bank to write about it.
Important information as to how some of it came about– This evening, mother issues and things were discussed at length and we also listened to others talk about this topic and so that may be part of why we had this dream. Additionally, I’m not completely certain, but I think ballet may have come up at some point in the conversation tonight (in real life). I’m still not certain about it, as it may have just been on someone’s mind inside from several days ago or something.
I think our friend, Matt of Myriad, might get a kick out of knowing he was in our dream as it related to ballet. I’m not sure if he will enjoy it as much as someone else in their system might, but still, it was kind of neat and interesting. We both have talked about someday (who knows) of taking a dance class together. That would be awesome.
So here’s the biggest interesting aspect of the dream, especially after having discussed mother issues. My mother “rescued” me in part from this evil woman and her cronies. But my mother didn’t truly actively rescue me. We just went to her and she was helping, mostly by following our lead. Which is interesting because I know Billie was talking tonight about the mother’s betrayal to us when we disclosed about the father and how my mother faked being supportive and then turned on us in the most horrific and overt ways and became very abusive in reference to the father abusing us and going to therapy, etc. That was the last time our system ever has taken a large risk in trusting the mother with anything very personal. Billie showed up (was created) about that time as well. I think occasionally H.D. or someone else or myself might slip with some personal stuff from time to time, but not ultra personal or to the degree that our friends or therapist know, etc. For that matter, not anything to the degree that is disclosed here on our journal.
Continue reading ‘Dream- Mother Stuff, Ballet, and general weirdness’
Earlier this evening we weren’t doing very well. I suppose I should clarify that it was around 11:00 P.M. that we weren’t doing well at all. Earlier tonight before group we experienced a deep sadness for unknown reasons. Tears close to the surface and stuff for L.J. She did well in taking care of herself and I’m proud of her. Anyway, stuff is going on deeper inside and there apparently is a great deal of sadness along with it. I don’t know what it is– other than it probably relates to the fact that it is October after all and a lot of that stuff is being buried this month and this year… again. 
We stopped at the grocery store on the way home tonight after group to pick up one thing. After constant pleading by others inside, despite how tired I was, they wanted donuts, except others were complaining about how the grocery store donuts just never taste as good as the one donut shop does or Krispy Kremes. So they were quite loud and insistent about how close we were tonight and we went home after group earlier than usual and so we should get a Krispy Kreme donut. I’m like we don’t have the extra money for this right now, but I finally relent to go drive out of my way for this Krispy Kreme donut. Well we get there and they had closed– and so it seems that’s become the typical thing for the few area Krispy Kreme places now that the novelty has worn off. They used to be 24 hours or very late at night. The first one in this area showed up a number of years ago– hmm, 10 maybe, not sure. Anyway, they tried getting us to drive to the one other “okay” donut place that last we knew over a year ago was still open late at night. That meant driving past our house (again) and I just wouldn’t do it. I reminded them of the french toast and the yummy Schwann’s pancakes we got from the mother that we could eat instead. That seemed to satisfy them as long as they knew I’d get them a Krispy Kreme donut after we’re paid again.
It did help that while on the freeway right before we got to Krispy Kreme’s, that my brake warning light and battery warning light both appeared suddenly. So frankly I didn’t want to drive any more than I absolutely had to. This is on top of the other chug, chug, jerk, clunk, whatever weird problem that’s been going on randomly yet consistently and more frequently for a little while now.
So none of this is why I came to write here at all. It’s about this dream that I just woke up with. It is weird and interesting. So I’ll be writing it in the next entry.
Well this seems rather stupid to write down, but at the same time, it has its own importance right now. I think it is good to write it down and make it a statement and acknowledge it. Of course as I am about to do that, there are others saying it isn’t true and making this a bigger thing and reality than it truly is. Sigh. So I don’t know. I do know that tonight I watched a movie on t.v. and one that I’m reasonably sure I’ve seen before, but it’s been a long time. At any rate, out of the blue, while watching it, the thought came tumbling through my mind that I am/we are doing just about anything, including absolutely nothing and just whatever will mind-numb or just spacing out, etc., along with whatever else, to distract and avoid thinking and feeling or dealing with stuff right now.
So this really has to change because it isn’t productive, and right now it isn’t helpful because it is excessive and it is to avoid strong feelings or thoughts or inner communication. Somehow these activities minimize what I hear and know and things go on without changing.
Continue reading ‘Nightly Insight and More’