So I just woke up from this bizarre dream. I’ve wasted time writing another entry instead. We really were planning to lead up to the dream but by the time we were ready to write about this dream, it was necessary for another separate journal entry. So hopefully enough information still remains in the memory bank to write about it.

Important information as to how some of it came about– This evening, mother issues and things were discussed at length and we also listened to others talk about this topic and so that may be part of why we had this dream. Additionally, I’m not completely certain, but I think ballet may have come up at some point in the conversation tonight (in real life). I’m still not certain about it, as it may have just been on someone’s mind inside from several days ago or something.

I think our friend, Matt of Myriad, might get a kick out of knowing he was in our dream as it related to ballet. I’m not sure if he will enjoy it as much as someone else in their system might, but still, it was kind of neat and interesting. We both have talked about someday (who knows) of taking a dance class together. That would be awesome.

So here’s the biggest interesting aspect of the dream, especially after having discussed mother issues. My mother “rescued” me in part from this evil woman and her cronies. But my mother didn’t truly actively rescue me. We just went to her and she was helping, mostly by following our lead. Which is interesting because I know Billie was talking tonight about the mother’s betrayal to us when we disclosed about the father and how my mother faked being supportive and then turned on us in the most horrific and overt ways and became very abusive in reference to the father abusing us and going to therapy, etc. That was the last time our system ever has taken a large risk in trusting the mother with anything very personal. Billie showed up (was created) about that time as well. I think occasionally H.D. or someone else or myself might slip with some personal stuff from time to time, but not ultra personal or to the degree that our friends or therapist know, etc. For that matter, not anything to the degree that is disclosed here on our journal.

Continue reading ‘Dream- Mother Stuff, Ballet, and general weirdness’

Well this seems rather stupid to write down, but at the same time, it has its own importance right now.  I think it is good to write it down and make it a statement and acknowledge it.  Of course as I am about to do that, there are others saying it isn’t true and making this a bigger thing and reality than it truly is.  Sigh.  So I don’t know.  I do know that tonight I watched a movie on t.v. and one that I’m reasonably sure I’ve seen before, but it’s been a long time.  At any rate, out of the blue, while watching it, the thought came tumbling through my mind that I am/we are doing just about anything, including absolutely nothing and just whatever will mind-numb or just spacing out, etc., along with whatever else, to distract and avoid thinking and feeling or dealing with stuff right now.

So this really has to change because it isn’t productive, and right now it isn’t helpful because it is excessive and it is to avoid strong feelings or thoughts or inner communication.  Somehow these activities minimize what I hear and know and things go on without changing.

Continue reading ‘Nightly Insight and More’