November 30, 2007 at
8:49 pm. Written by (and/or talking about)
Anonymous and Julie.
Yesterday evening we went to group and spoke about a flashback that has been revisiting us since we’ve been sick. For whatever reason, ever since we’ve been ill, some of us have been having flashbacks of old abuse memories that are apparently still very unresolved and not healed in the manner needed.
Even though I was ‘around,’ it wasn’t me who talked about the information pertaining to the memory. I’m frankly not sure who it was; yes, L.J. was there, but these days there is a growing awareness that there are other kids besides her fronting. We are trying to give credit and space where due, particularly since admittedly, L.J. is highly revered around here and she is the automatic default for any remote hint of it being her. Or as often is the case, it begins as her and others chime in while L.J. flows in and out closer to the front and back and then L.J. usually ends whatever is going on. This isn’t an exact science and it doesn’t always happen exactly as described– it’s just a general description of what seems to be happening.
So, yes, to the topic at hand, though I’d much prefer to not write about it, and yet, oddly, I’m the one writing it. It’s not my memory, and yet the inkling of a tiny aspect of me
Continue reading ‘Processes of Telling and Switching’
We are fighting a cold. We are sick, though we are better today, considering yesterday and Saturday. We’ve been sleeping like crazy. We just woke up from a nap and had the weirdest dream with Wendy in it.
The gist is that something serious is going on with her… seems emotional and physical at the same time. Something sort of bizarre if you ask us, as we had not seen something like this before with her. She also was in the process of moving her office and there was this weird thing about a road and how one road to get there was safer than another road. At one point there was a mention of taking the bus as she wasn’t sure she’d be able to drive anymore. Weird is all I can say. What’s strange is that part of the dream indicates it is more city like (hence, the bus option), but another part of the dream indicates it is more like an island of sorts where her new office is and with at least one way that doesn’t feel the safest to travel by to get there, although in some ways it is safe.
There were other weird things that happened. It’s all jumbled up. The basics is that I pass by Wendy in sort of like a parking lot thing… relatively open parking lot that is kind of small, but not too small. Seems like one person is around me and it is Sue, my mom’s roommate. But she’s only in my dream because I have to go pick her up from the hospital today asap and so she’s on my mind to not oversleep too terribly long before getting ready to leave. Anyway, I see Wendy, and we brave up the courage to ask her for a hug, and she seems to think about it for a minute or so, but then agrees. Some inside say she readily agreed and that they noticed that she agreed pretty quickly like somehow suddenly it was okay and things were okay again.
Continue reading ‘Today’s Oddities’
It’s almost noon and I’m still at my house. Normally I would have forced myself to be at my mother’s house by now helping with the cooking and cleaning up and preparing for Thanksgiving. I’m not at the moment. I’ve just finished my shower and dressed and I have a few things left to do before leaving. A part of me just doesn’t care right now about being there and cooking. A family friend should already be there at my mother’s house by now helping out and she likes to cook. The only other people showing up is my brother, Sarah, and Hunter. I’m just exhausted and drained from having spent an exhorbant amount of time around my mother lately. It’s not that my mother is so much a problem these days in comparison to how she was growing up through my early to mid 20′s; It’s just that it still takes a toll on us to be around her and to be away from home for so long and as much as we have lately.
I was thinking a little while ago about how I would be just fine skipping today and staying home and just being alone. There are parts of today that we are looking forward to and know that we’ll have a nice time– I think so at least. It’s just that we find we always want to put off holidays until another day or a better time or something.
I’m not sure what day this weekend my brother will have Noah to celebrate Thanksgiving with him as a family. I should find out more today, if my brother even knows yet when that will be.
So I really should go. I have a few things to do before leaving. We did manage to get some sleep last night. I think I surprisingly fell asleep by 9:30 P.M. and woke up once around the midnight hour (I think it was around that time), and then fell back asleep until around 4:00 A.M. We were up until around 7:00 A.M. ish and then woke up again when my mother called me at 9:30 A.M. And yet I’m still tired. Some of it though feels more like a depression exhaustion and an emotionally drained, pushed to the max exhaustion. Though I still think I could probably sleep a lot today. It’s just as well that we don’t fall asleep during the day today. I’d like to break this cycle of being awake until at least 4:00 A.M. but likely until 7:00 A.M. or so and then sleeping in the daytime for a few hours. Sigh. I’d still like to take a nap and just sleep right now.
Okay, enough whining and repeating myself. I am thankful for a number of things. I am. I just hate the stress and inner turmoil we always deal with when it gets closer to the holidays and when the holiday arrives.
Julie/s