We haven’t written in awhile and I’m not entirely sure why. Mostly I think it is just that we’ve been having long days of things to do in combination of needing to ‘regroup’ afterwards before the next thing. And then of course the usual struggles, emotional exhaustion, etc.
I think we’re doing a bit better than we were around the intense ‘holiday’ time frame. I/we had a good therapy session with Cec yesterday, but I also think there are repercussions or flack from others inside because they didn’t get some time yesterday. L.J. only showed up at the very end to say goodbye and the rest of the time it was for us, Julies, to talk about things. So I’ve/we’ve been dealing with intense emotional pain that physically hurt last night and it is just grinding away inside. At the moment it is at a distance, but it is still gnawing at me. In reality, it is the usual struggle and usual constant emotional pain. I guess with last night’s intensity, it was just largely more noticeable and significantly distressful. I’m sitting here writing and thinking in a way that it “feels new” in the respect that the intensity and feeling aspect seems to have a ‘newness’ feeling to it and so that adds to the distress and this huge sense of urgency and immense need for help.
Again, I’m not really feeling it right now and I’m fine. I guess I’m trying to analyze the feelings and our reactions and describe it. I always feel like I’m saying something wrong or not saying it “right enough” or that what I perceive and describe is wrong. Wrong in the sense that I don’t know enough or others inside hold other pieces and insiders have a more accurate sense about our system and things like that. At which point, it will be found out by outsiders that I’m wrong and said the wrong thing and a liar and stupid and yadda yadda. The list goes on with that. There’s always this anxiety whenever I’m trying to explain something from my perspective about our system or what’s going on internally. It’s sort of like if I just don’t say anything, then outsiders won’t find out that what I’m thinking or feeling is wrong, and thus it is safer. And somehow I know this links back to safety or protection or something I can’t quite put my finger on in regards to the others inside.
Anyway, I really do need to go for now. We want to write about therapy yesterday. We’ve also been considering writing down parts of the body’s life story. And there are huge issues we brought up in therapy yesterday that have been mulling around here for quite some time. It would be good to process those as well. And there are two pictures that we found from when the body was very young with the father in them (with ‘me’) and we’ve been thinking about posting them with some comments to them. We’re also considering on not obscuring the father’s photo, because some of us feel like why protect some perpetrator’s privacy and he looks quite different now anyway.
Okay then, the reminder has been set here and hopefully some good writing will come here in the future.
Julies
Recent Comments