We are trudging along. Exhausted. Emotionally Drained. Fine. Okay. Not Okay. Little things that tell us things are spilling out from the stretched out seams of our walls and masks and “okayness.” Holding it together, trying to pull those seams inward and to tighten them before a thread pokes out noticeably and then unravels quickly, ever increasing in speed and intensity… and then more follow suit.

Good things and joy and just a pleasant and forever (I hope so anyway) memory and a moment in time cherished with my nephew on Sunday. We hope to write about it. It’s just an ordinary average day spent with him, well, several hours actually, but it still was meaningful and precious to me/us in so many ways, and I’m thinking it might have been for him too. I hope so at least, but if not, that’s okay– it’s a beautiful memory that I have and that fills my heart.

So a lot of different things. Not sure why we haven’t been around here writing. Don’t know what is going on with us. But we’re here and around and trying to come back around again. We are unbelievably behind in reading journals of our friends– somehow got lost somewhere and stopped really reading them. Really don’t understand what the not writing and not really reading means and just disconnection and here, but not here, thing going on. Just don’t understand or can’t put words into it, and yet recognize it– we’ve been here or somewhere very similar many times before. I don’t like it in a lot of ways and it needs to change. Yet it seems we fall back on it a lot. Perhaps it is a form of dissociation or related to it- a distancing, a disconnection, a something from as much as possible things and people around us and within us.

So that’s a very basic and generalized update. We’ve had a tremendously LONG day. No, I really mean it. A LONG day. Left my house around 7:30 A.M. and got home shortly after 12 A.M. that night/next day. The entire time with my mother. A LONG day. It was fine with her– we picked out a xmas present that we will probably get beforehand (at least for one day when we go up north and in the mountains when we go somewhere with the family)…. it is a winter coat. I’m hoping that it is a coat that will keep us warmer than the coat we recently received (another early xmas present) that she bought us around our bday on clearance (we asked for it). It’s a leather jacket and very nice looking on us (I think so anyway), but it is a lighter-weight kind of leather jacket for $40! I think it must have had close to a $100 off or it was at least 50% off– I can’t remember exactly– I just know I thought it was a great deal at the time…. and I am so very glad to have this coat and to be getting a winter coat. We are so very much in need of them. We did a bunch of other things. Visited a friend of sorts (also my mother’s roommate) at the p-hospital, packed up some things for her tonight to take to her tomorrow, rested some, took care of some other stuff at the mother’s house, and earlier this morning, took my mother to her dr. appt that is often a yucky commute getting there and back. Oh yah, my mother wanted to stop at this new restaurant she knew of for dinner and we did… except it had loud pop/rock music on and even though it wasn’t crowded (we were there really during happy hour or early dinner hour and the bar was full with someone talking on the loud speaker about something but I swear we heard it walking in and out and I don’t think they shut up once), and anyway, it was all really loud in this restaurant for now reason as there was no one seated around us at all, and by this time in the day and the exhaustion and length of the day, we just wanted quiet.

Oh, let’s see. Checked my mail as we were awaiting some news– and as our gut instinct has been telling us– for some arbitrary reason we are going to have to fight and appeal with our medical insurance b/c suddenly they won’t accept a medical bill for spenddown. I’m pretty sure that we can fight and appeal this successfully, it’s just a big PIA and stressful to deal with. If we don’t win this successfully, we are going to have to find another therapist very likely who will either accept the partial payment our other insurance gives or let us pay a small monthly amount and accept that or let us pay a small amount and create another bill with another therapist. Fuck if I know. But hey, if we’re “forced” into having to leave the agency (yah… one of those community agencies that help low income people but you’re fucking screwed and generally turned away if you can’t pay the entire co-pay… at least that’s the info and impression I’m getting and somehow we’re seeing Cec in the interim as this shit is worked out but after telling Cec tomorrow the news, who the fuck knows if we’ll be able to see her while we finish working this crap out). [Oh wait, unless we have the co-pay upfront to pay...hahahaha] So anyway, if we’re forced away b/c of this crap and certainly if we don’t win this appeal, then hell, it might resolve our inner conflict as it is over whether to stay with Cec or look elsewhere. We like Cec and there are a number of positives, but there are some needs going unmet that we’re constantly trying to balance out which direction is the best way to go and keep heading on and if we’re making the right decision in this overall. It’s very fucking confusing, so hell, if all this shit happens and it basically makes the decision for us, then fine, it will be what it is going to be. At the same time, don’t want to leave Cec as she really is a good therapist and it is working out well for us in a number of ways. And there is concern that we’re not going to be able to find a therapist with the kind of experience we’re looking for (or at least the kind that Cec has— she is very knowledgeable and I don’t think much of anything gets by her by us at all)…. anyway the kind of exp we’re looking for and some of us feel that we need by a therapist that accepts our insurance and is willing to work with us in regards to the co-pay– it’s just going to be hard finding a therapist that meets what we’re looking for and accepts our insurance and workable with the co-pay aspect. And shit, I don’t know how we’re going to come up with that anyway. Things are just going to have to get tighter or something. We’re hoping to be moving next year sometime to the city (and closer to some friends in our support network), and hoping it will reduce our rent a little bit (it’s supposed to as far as we’ve figured out, but not sure by how much yet), but if we’re going to have a co-pay amongst everything else… so much for being able to absolutely pay for past therapy and maybe actually have a little bit left over to try and save for emergencies or not have things so tight budget wise. Sigh. I was hoping to get a little bit more on even ground with basic life bills and maybe save $10 or so a month and if all this happens, we’ll end up in the same situation financially that we’re in now– doable but really tough and constantly juggling shit to make it work out okay enough. Oh well. Whatever. We’re ultra tired and stressing. I wasn’t planning to write about any of this, but I guess we needed to write about it. Going to go research now the laws and rules we read about all of this medical insurance crap awhile ago (the shit they look at) and basically throw it back in their face, because I swear we read and understood and were told our medical bill is acceptable as it is a current bill due and we’ve been paying on it and it is outstanding. What fucking idiots. It’s such bullshit and so arbitrary depending on who you get processing your paperwork and how they interpret the laws or rules and whatever the fuck they feel like doing about your paperwork. Sigh. We go down fighting thank you very the fuck much. Oh we’ll be nice, but we’re not going to back down on this. Not until we’ve exhausted all our options to appeal and get it approved. They’ve been accepting a portion of this bill in the past– they haven’t used all of the outstanding amount yet, and suddenly it isn’t allowed. Whatever. Idiots. It’s just crap. /Rant

So we have that to deal with tomorrow. A phone call to them, a phone call probably to the billing dept at the agency, therapy, telling Cec about this and who knows the outcome of that, driving to the p-hospital to visit and have lunch in the lunchroom there and drop off some belongings to family friend, buy groceries for the holiday and a few routine groceries with my mother, put them away for her, and finally… home. But we really need to stop at the chiropractor if we can and also go to my brother’s house and pick up the usb cable for my brother’s camera so that I can download the pictures from his camera and give his camera back to him… and particularly have it ready for the holidays too. So really in essence, another freaking LONG day, though not so long as today. So I shall get through tomorrow too. Just quite exhausted and I think I was fighting off a cold this weekend and I think I was winning that battle (b/c it hadn’t really begun officially…just the earmarks of one coming on possibly), but now I’m not sure… with the exhaustion and difficulty sleeping amongst long, long, busy days… who knows. I hope we can stay well.

Julies and whomever else