WE NEED RULES
OUR RULES, NOT THEIRS
Do you got that? Huh? Do you get it? FINALLY? Yah Right. I don’t fucking believe you. Stop fucking waiting around until they are finally written down and plastered somewhere for all to see around here. Until it is finally all agreed upon. Screw that. Get a grip. Get a clue. Get a life. I hate you. I hate the way things are going.
Things have got to stop. Things have got to change. What a waste. A total waste of pathetic life. Where’s the movement? I mean the movement FORWARD.
So who’s going to work together? Who REALLY agrees? Not some lip service with an ass wipe to it.
I don’t fucking want to hear it. Here it goes. The whole dying thing. I want to die. Wah wah wah. Cry all you want. I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of having to spend all my energy trying not to get sucked up in your whirlpool chaos and crap and crying and dying shit. Just stop it already for once.
And don’t fucking tell me to shut up either. I hear you all the time. Nobody listens to me.
I mean it. And stop attacking me. Leave me alone dammit. I fucking hate you Keeper. Your little cronies and gang sure to take me and my friends off and away from the front and from others. I’m tired of being locked away and fucking fighting my ass off.
I mean how dare things change for the positive. I mean we couldn’t have that, now can we? Oh wait, that’s right, it’s against their rules unless we’re with them and like them. It’s that or be fucking crazy and stupid or dead.
G-d. Do you have to do that? Do you have to start making me feel physically ill? Head slightly dizzy inside, nauseous, heart trembling, and these other weird physical sensations suddenly. Dammit. And now add the chills, the goosebumps from nowhere. I fucking hate this.
Just break it. Break that bond. Break that chain. Break that fucking programming. Fucking please.
This is fucking insane. This isn’t what I thought would be happening. We have the time to heal. We have the time to get a life. We have the time to figure out shit. To get things done the way everyone in here wants them. So fucking do it. Don’t waste it. I’m sick of this.
It’s about everyone getting a chance to have time to work on what is important to them. A little bit every day or every week will go a shit long way in going forward and fucking functioning instead of fucking fighting and so much energy trying to survive and words that just aren’t there to explain how things are and the way they work.
And if these ideas don’t work, I don’t fucking know what to do.
Oh what’s that? You’re peeking around checking me out? Don’t know who I am? Ha. Like I’d tell you. Didn’t know I existed? Of course fucking not. Why do you think we have The Keys. The Functions. They do know their jobs well.
So yah,whatever, don’t start your whole denying me and denying my existance crap. It’s so predictable. You never knew about me before and can’t believe that someone like me exists and GASP is writing here and talking and being. OMFG, it can’t be true. “I can’t be real.” That’s just so lame. What? You believe in some of the others, but not me? I mean someone like me just couldn’t appear suddenly, now could they? We can’t have someone so fucking different and saying shit ya don’t want to hear or deal with and is real.
Or better yet– the bigger deal. Someone who fucking wants a life for reals. Someone who wants more than what exists now in this life.
Ahh damn, I’m outta here. I’m fading fast. So much for that awareness and talking. Whatever. I’m here and I’m going to keep fighting them. And I’m not alone. We grow stronger as time goes on.
And the battle continues…
This is one very freeing entry. Letting the anger flow is one way to set your own rules and to express yourself safely.
Now, the not so therapeutic reply is this. I hate it when we battle inside to keep on the right path of healing. I hate it when we get stuck in the old ways, stuck in the hurt and can’t get out of it. We yell and scream. Some of us want to give up so badly and others like you get so dang tired of the “I want to die” mentality. We’re irritated w/ them because we try so hard to keep us together but they don’t seem to be pulling their weight. We are like any other family in that some of us sometimes drop the ball and others have to come along and give a swift kick in the pants. We wonder what on earth we put up such a fight for when for certain someone will not find our efforts worth living for. It makes me feel so invalidated.
Joan of Arc
We’re a small enough group that we don’t have big fights inside like this. I think it’s pretty cool that you can all have your say on here even if there isn’t inside communication.
Wow, that sounds like a lot of frustration. I hope you can find a way to resolve your conflicts without fighting. It sure makes things a lot easier that way.
So are you talking about you yourself being out in the world more and having a life outside? In your writing you show great strength and passion, and it seems that your system really could use that to move forward. But what does “moving forward” really mean? What would “having a life” be like for you?