Before today really starts…

It’s almost noon and I’m still at my house.  Normally I would have forced myself to be at my mother’s house by now helping with the cooking and cleaning up and preparing for Thanksgiving.  I’m not at the moment.  I’ve just finished my shower and dressed and I have a few things left to do before leaving.  A part of me just doesn’t care right now about being there and cooking.  A family friend should already be there at my mother’s house by now helping out and she likes to cook.  The only other people showing up is my brother, Sarah, and Hunter.  I’m just exhausted and drained from having spent an exhorbant amount of time around my mother lately.  It’s not that my mother is so much a problem these days in comparison to how she was growing up through my early to mid 20′s;  It’s just that it still takes a toll on us to be around her and to be away from home for so long and as much as we have lately.

I was thinking a little while ago about how I would be just fine skipping today and staying home and just being alone.  There are parts of today that we are looking forward to and know that we’ll have a nice time– I think so at least.  It’s just that we find we always want to put off holidays until another day or a better time or something.

I’m not sure what day this weekend my brother will have Noah to celebrate Thanksgiving with him as a family.  I should find out more today, if my brother even knows yet when that will be.

So I really should go.  I have a few things to do before leaving.  We did manage to get some sleep last night.  I think I surprisingly fell asleep by 9:30 P.M. and woke up once around the midnight hour (I think it was around that time), and then fell back asleep until around 4:00 A.M.  We were up until around 7:00 A.M. ish and then woke up again when my mother called me at 9:30 A.M.  And yet I’m still tired.  Some of it though feels more like a depression exhaustion and an emotionally drained, pushed to the max exhaustion.  Though I still think I could probably sleep a lot today.  It’s just as well that we don’t fall asleep during the day today.  I’d like to break this cycle of being awake until at least 4:00 A.M. but likely until 7:00 A.M. or so and then sleeping in the daytime for a few hours.  Sigh.  I’d still like to take a nap and just sleep right now.

Okay, enough whining and repeating myself.  I am thankful for a number of things.  I am. I just hate the stress and inner turmoil we always deal with when it gets closer to the holidays and when the holiday arrives.

Julie/s