Multiple Reflections

Yesterday evening we went to group and spoke about a flashback that has been revisiting us since we’ve been sick.  For whatever reason, ever since we’ve been ill, some of us have been having flashbacks of old abuse memories that are apparently still very unresolved and not healed in the manner needed.

Even though I was ‘around,’ it wasn’t me who talked about the information pertaining to the memory.  I’m frankly not sure who it was; yes, L.J. was there, but these days there is a growing awareness that there are other kids besides her fronting.  We are trying to give credit and space where due, particularly since admittedly, L.J. is highly revered around here and she is the automatic default for any remote hint of it being her.  Or as often is the case, it begins as her and others chime in while L.J. flows in and out closer to the front and back and then L.J. usually ends whatever is going on.  This isn’t an exact science and it doesn’t always happen exactly as described– it’s just a general description of what seems to be happening.

So, yes, to the topic at hand, though I’d much prefer to not write about it, and yet, oddly, I’m the one writing it.  It’s not my memory, and yet the inkling of a tiny aspect of me

And we’ve switched.  That is so weird.  Damn it.  I’m starting to get better at noticing this ever slight manner of switching.  I’m not sure if it happened exactly like this, but I think it went something like this.  “Purple” (someone from the purple group) was writing.  The main collective awareness (not sure what to call it right now) was becoming aware that she was there and it wasn’t me (Julie), and not only that, but Purple was sort of “outing” herself in a way.  Purple was asked who she was and she began to become more aware of being in the body and attempting to locate her name.  While it may not make sense to some people, and I can tell she is closer now suddenly, but anyway, okay, me more again.  Weird to be so faintly aware of these things.  I know it probably doesn’t matter in some ways, but in other ways, it is important that we become aware of these things, particularly amongst those of us in the Julies/julies groups.  I mean the shifting is so slight and quick and barely noticeable (if at all) to others externally, and for that matter, oftentimes to some of us as well.  Okay, right, a reminder from someone.  I have sidetracked.  We were trying to stay focused on describing something.  But first one thing.  Name information and history information is often blocked from being accessible once someone is fronting; it is often only available internally.  What I mean is they know who they are and stuff inside, but in the process of coming out front, certain pieces are automatically blocked and not allowed to enter the external realm.  And for a moment while writing all of this, we had another insight or sense that this may have a linkage to the whole Michelle incident growing up.  We shall have to write about that sometime.

Okay, so now I have to go back up and figure out where I left off at.  So Purple was trying to locate her name for those of us aware that she was out front (we could sense an energy shift difference, a holding of the body differently, and also the writing style and voice and just stuff was different).  So that was happening.  Then she wrote about writing and how she was surprised that it was her writing there and she didn’t really want to write about the memory stuff, but she was going to.  And she was going to do so.  She began to think more about the memory and it was in the conflict of it not being her memory (i.e., not her experience and not really her memory), but at the same time, she had identified something suddenly and was going to describe it– a sense of something that connected her to this memory at the same time.  It is hard for me to describe because this is where everything quickly changed and got all mushy.  What I do remember when I tried to go back and analyze to figure out how the switch happened and what was right before it, etc.  I mean, I can figure out and analyze and make sense of why the switch happened.  That’s like an in your face obvious.  She said she didn’t want to write about it, but she was going to do it.  I know she was fine emotionally because well, she doesn’t really “do emotions,” but it was in the moment that she connected, ever so briefly of a few seconds, to the sense that this memory does have something to do with her… like a tiny inkling of a piece belongs to her– and the feelings of that connection began to pour in, then boom, she was gone.  But I swear I don’t think she meant to leave.  I really don’t.  It just happened so automatically.  And she had that flash of connection, and then began thinking of how to describe it accurately, and then boom, another thought from the left came flooding in, but it was more like suddenly my thoughts and stuff had come plowing in from inside to the front.  And then I kind of recall some blinking or a few blinks and just something so mundane and so fluid and really, I can’t imagine someone observing us to notice it unless they were watching the body and face intently.  And even then… it seems like someone would have to know or be looking for it, but I could be wrong about that.   So her whole thought process was totally interrupted and when I came in, I was dumbfounded and had a complete disconnect of what the hell she was trying to say.  Whatever she had connected to emotionally was completely disconnected for me.  Whatever she was thinking and about to say– it was completely disconnected from me.  Obviously though there was something being shared (at least in the moment) since I was able to describe all of this, but when I fully came to the front, it was completely disconnected for me and I was at a total loss.  And I just sort of knew automatically to pick up from where she left off.  Like I was going to try and connect to what she had been writing about and try and fill in the gap and words for her that had suddenly been interrupted when she left and I appeared, but then I realized what had happened, and so I thought I ought to write about it.  Maybe if I could describe it more, it would help in some kind of way for us.

I still am unclear who it was that was here.  I’ve tried asking inside, but I can definitely sense that one of The Functions or The Keys is interfering.  I know it is a safety measure, but I wish they would realize that this particular safety measure really isn’t needed today.  The only thing I could tell is that she was from the Purple group and mostly I could tell that because she knew that much and it had gone into some shared information area.  But even if she didn’t know that and I didn’t find that out, I would have totally guessed it by way of the writing style and the way the body was being held.

What’s really weird is that I went back to read what she wrote and it suddenly doesn’t sound all that different to me or seem all that different to me, but when she was here fronting, it was very different to me.  That doesn’t make any sense to me at all, but I guess there must be something about it that makes sense, because that’s what I’m experiencing.

Well, so much for writing and telling anything about the memory (ha, not sure we were going to be able to do that anyway), but we had wanted to talk a little bit about the after-effects of having told and just other general stuff.  But I guess we’re not quite ready since all of this happened and ended up being written about instead.  And now we’re tired and I just don’t want to “go there” right now.

Julie and ??? earlier