Monthly Archive for November, 2007

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Listen Up JAGA Harmony

November 21, 2007 at 7:55 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Anonymous, System Communication, System Issues and System Wars. 4 Comments

WE NEED RULES

OUR RULES, NOT THEIRS

Do you got that? Huh? Do you get it? FINALLY? Yah Right. I don’t fucking believe you.  Stop fucking waiting around until they are finally written down and plastered somewhere for all to see around here.  Until it is finally all agreed upon.  Screw that.  Get a grip.  Get a clue.  Get a life.  I hate you.  I hate the way things are going.

Things have got to stop.  Things have got to change.  What a waste.  A total waste of pathetic life.  Where’s the movement?  I mean the movement FORWARD. 

So who’s going to work together?  Who REALLY agrees? Not some lip service with an ass wipe to it. 

I don’t fucking want to hear it.  Here it goes.  The whole dying thing.  I want to die. Wah wah wah. Cry all you want.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m so sick of having to spend all my energy trying not to get sucked up in your whirlpool chaos and crap and crying and dying shit.  Just stop it already for once.

And don’t fucking tell me to shut up either.  I hear you all the time.  Nobody listens to me.

I mean it.  And stop attacking me.  Leave me alone dammit.  I fucking hate you Keeper.  Your little cronies and gang sure to take me and my friends off and away from the front and from others.  I’m tired of being locked away and fucking fighting my ass off.  

I mean how dare things change for the positive.  I mean we couldn’t have that, now can we?  Oh wait, that’s right, it’s against their rules unless we’re with them and like them.  It’s that or be fucking crazy and stupid or dead.

G-d.  Do you have to do that? Do you have to start making me feel physically ill? Head slightly dizzy inside, nauseous, heart trembling, and these other weird physical sensations suddenly.  Dammit.  And now add the chills, the goosebumps from nowhere.  I fucking hate this. 

Just break it.  Break that bond. Break that chain.  Break that fucking programming.  Fucking please. 

This is fucking insane.  This isn’t what I thought would be happening.  We have the time to heal.  We have the time to get a life.  We have the time to figure out shit.  To get things done the way everyone in here wants them. So fucking do it.  Don’t waste it. I’m sick of this.

It’s about everyone getting a chance to have time to work on what is important to them.  A little bit every day or every week will go a shit long way in going forward and fucking functioning instead of fucking fighting and so much energy trying to survive and words that just aren’t there to explain how things are and the way they work.  

And if these ideas don’t work, I don’t fucking know what to do.

Oh what’s that?  You’re peeking around checking me out?  Don’t know who I am? Ha.  Like I’d tell you.  Didn’t know I existed? Of course fucking not.  Why do you think we have The Keys.  The Functions.  They do know their jobs well.  

So yah,whatever, don’t start your whole denying me and denying my existance crap.  It’s so predictable.  You never knew about me before and can’t believe that someone like me exists and GASP is writing here and talking and being.  OMFG, it can’t be true. “I can’t be real.”  That’s just so lame.  What?  You believe in some of the others, but not me?  I mean someone like me just couldn’t appear suddenly, now could they?  We can’t have someone so fucking different and saying shit ya don’t want to hear or deal with and is real.

Or better yet– the bigger deal.  Someone who fucking wants a life for reals.  Someone who wants more than what exists now in this life.  

Ahh damn, I’m outta here.  I’m fading fast.  So much for that awareness and talking.  Whatever.  I’m here and I’m going to keep fighting them.  And I’m not alone.  We grow stronger as time goes on.  

And the battle continues…

Written by (and/or talking about) Anonymous, System Communication, System Issues and System Wars. 4 Comments

Stretched Out Seams

November 20, 2007 at 2:26 am. Written by (and/or talking about) Uncategorized. Tags: . 1 Comment

We are trudging along. Exhausted. Emotionally Drained. Fine. Okay. Not Okay. Little things that tell us things are spilling out from the stretched out seams of our walls and masks and “okayness.” Holding it together, trying to pull those seams inward and to tighten them before a thread pokes out noticeably and then unravels quickly, ever increasing in speed and intensity… and then more follow suit.

Good things and joy and just a pleasant and forever (I hope so anyway) memory and a moment in time cherished with my nephew on Sunday. We hope to write about it. It’s just an ordinary average day spent with him, well, several hours actually, but it still was meaningful and precious to me/us in so many ways, and I’m thinking it might have been for him too. I hope so at least, but if not, that’s okay– it’s a beautiful memory that I have and that fills my heart.

So a lot of different things. Not sure why we haven’t been around here writing. Don’t know what is going on with us. But we’re here and around and trying to come back around again. We are unbelievably behind in reading journals of our friends– somehow got lost somewhere and stopped really reading them. Really don’t understand what the not writing and not really reading means and just disconnection and here, but not here, thing going on. Just don’t understand or can’t put words into it, and yet recognize it– we’ve been here or somewhere very similar many times before. I don’t like it in a lot of ways and it needs to change. Yet it seems we fall back on it a lot. Perhaps it is a form of dissociation or related to it- a distancing, a disconnection, a something from as much as possible things and people around us and within us.

Continue reading ‘Stretched Out Seams’

Written by (and/or talking about) Uncategorized. Tags: . 1 Comment

Starry Eyed

November 14, 2007 at 4:54 am. Written by (and/or talking about) A.Me. Tags: . 4 Comments

My heart has melted again. Chris, my ex-fiance’ of 8 1/2 years, just emailed me from out of the blue. He called me by one of his endearment names. He wrote a short email, but it meant so much to me. I know I’m supposed to be “over him,” but I just can’t. I will always love him, desire him, and my heart will always have a place there for him. I’ve never found anyone who could come remotely close to touching my heart and life the way he touched mine and really, our system. Although admittedly, I haven’t really dated since him.

Mostly it was Julie who wrote back to him because I’m too lovey-dovey towards him when I’m supposed to be more casual and neutral at the moment. I don’t even know if he is involved with anyone right now. I just miss him. I’d give anything to see him one more time. Of course, that one more time always becomes, just one more time.

Just today L.J. showed Cec a picture of our engagement night– we have a picture of the two of us kissing and Julie and I are showing off our ring. The picture was in an envelope of mostly photos of Penny, but there were a few other miscellaneous photos. Another interesting event in relation to timing– to mention him in therapy and show a picture of him and I, and then for him to email tonight.

I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up– he will often show up again out of the blue and then will disengage contact unannounced. The last time this happened he deleted his email accounts and we had no way of contacting him. It isn’t because of anything we did or because we were bad or anything. It just happened. His phone number is usually unlisted and anyway, it is always hard to find him when we lose contact with him. I always wish to know that he is okay and to remain in contact with him. I’ve always enjoyed my conversations with him, and of course, to just be with him, in every capacity that is.

So I had to share this moment. I think I have more strength this time. I will not let the other Julies overrule me with their heads and stop my heart from leading the way. I want my chance to see him and to be with him one more time. I just want to hug him, talk with him, to feel his closeness and to be near him, and more if I can. They ruined it last time by trying to have all these boundaries and do the “right” thing. They are not ruining it for me again this time! I don’t care! Not this time. I just need something that only he can give me. I just miss him. I need him. I love him.

A.Me

My name is really, Me, but the A is there to distinguish Me from the pronoun ‘me’ to refer to someone else in our system. Mostly everyone here calls me Ame, but I don’t like what the A stands for. It’s supposed to represent Alter, because not much else would fit or sound as neatly as A.Me does. But now a fair amount of us dislike the terminology of Alter. I realize I could change my name to something else, but Me fits the best right now. I’m also part of a group that has Me related names, and things wouldn’t be the same if I changed my name to something else entirely. I could change it to the endearment name he calls me. It’s a sweet name and not something inappropriate. I’m just not ready to do that yet and I’m not sure how my comrades would appreciate the name change. Most of us have names that have reasons behind it or significance to us.  And sometimes that means we are grouped together accordingly.  

Written by (and/or talking about) A.Me. Tags: . 4 Comments