Multiple Reflections

we had a dream sunday night or monday in the daytime and it was basically that we couldn’t see Cec anymore.  it’s kind of fuzzy but there was some mention that she was sick and we couldn’t see her this week.  there was also mention that she had been moved to a different position or place and couldn’t see us anymore.

again, the dream is all fuzzy and stuff happened we can’t remember so very well.  we do remember talking to some lady that was a therapist of sorts at the agency (i guess) and we were really, really, upset and not doing well and we go in and find out we can’t see Cec and at first think that we can’t see her ever again.  and whomever is out front is not being socially acceptable and is on the floor kind of curled up in a fetal position crying or had been sitting down on the floor and then bent forward and kind of crying and screaming (but not really screaming loudly, mostly just inside), and there is all kinds of panic and anxiety and horrific emotions and then there is a switch to someone else kind of young and they tell the lady they are going to die.  but it is mostly them angry and upset and confused and hurt and the emotions are so overwhelming.

so not sure what happens but i guess we find out that Cec is just sick and we can’t see her this week but we can still see her.  not sure what that moving her to a different place or position meant, but seeing as how our dream had some truth to it in real life, we will be questioning Cec about that.

we haven’t been doing all that well and so we’ve thought about calling Cec to leave a message but we didn’t know what to say and so then we decided to call and listen to her voice.  so we did that last night/this morning around 3:00 A.M. or so.  only to find out that her message says that she is sick as of monday and not sure when she’ll return to the office.  we normally have therapy on tuesday afternoons but this week it is tomorrow.  so not sure if we’ll see her or not this week.

we really, really need therapy this week. last week we told her some about the abuse in a little more detail that still seems stupid to write or indicate it is upsetting to us or, um, some inside say we have to say upsetting to some of us.  because this abuse isn’t all that bad considering what we’ve gone through, but the emotional stuff and dynamics surrounding it is what is the worst of all.

i don’t know.  we’ve just been trying to hold it together and get through the week and there’s a really good chance she won’t be in the office this week. and we understand cuz we’ve been sick with a nasty cold/flu thing going around. and a few inside are worried we gave it to her, but i know we couldn’t have or at least very tiny possibility because we didn’t go to therapy when we were really sick and contagious and pretty sure when we did go to therapy and still had lingering effects of the cold, that we weren’t contagious.

so that’s the latest news.  i guess we’ll find out tomorrow if we have therapy or not this week.  i guess it wouldn’t seem so unbearable if we could just get up the courage and energy to write about all of this stuff here, but we can’t seem to find it or have it in us to do that on the stuff that is nestled deep in our heart of hearts and is hurting us at the same time cuz we are keeping the secrets and shame with it.  it is just hard.  so hard to tell.  in a way we can tell about other stuff that is harder and scarier than to tell about this.  i think because the lines of it being our fault is so much more blurred than it is with some of the other abuse. like yah, we can believe it is, or some inside can think that, but others know it isn’t the truth, whereas with this abuse, it is very hard to see that we don’t bear full responsibility or at least a lot of responsibility and that it isn’t our fault and we didn’t ask for it or do something to let it happen or encourage it or something. the shame and badness is so raw and so deep to the core.

have to go. the throw up feelings are here.