Multiple Reflections

some of the younger ones inside were writing and saying what they wanted to say and well, it would be the

hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt

sad sad sad sad

bads bads bads bads

—-

we are exhausted. i hope to g-d we can sleep tonight. i think i may take a sleeping pill to attempt to ensure some sleep soon and not at the normal rise and shine hour for everyone else.

we had a good group tonight at our support group.  we also shared quite a bit and so bold and upfront. it wasn’t us who are writing now. but definitely one of the adults and we think possibly someone from the purple group talking through Julie.  or maybe it was someone from the gray-blue group.  we’re not sure who it was, but it was different and definitely not Julie even though group members possibly thought it was, it is just she wouldn’t ordinarily tell all of that stuff quite the way it was said and with such strength and openness and less beating around the bush stuff.  it’s hard to explain.  something was different, but pretty sure Julie was there or around too.

it was a really hard share for us as a system.  i mean in the moment the ones sharing it were fine, even when they were emotional, there was this strength or something that was blocking a lot of the fears and crazy thoughts and fears and messages that end up silencing us or freaking us out for saying anything.  that wasn’t upfront when they were sharing.  it’s just that we’re still affected by it.

we’ve been talking a bit together tonight.  i mean we’ve been communicating to one another around here quite a bit tonight and more so than we have in awhile.  i think we’ve mostly agreed that we’re doing some heavy duty memory work on deep healing issues that we’ve never really and truly ever touched before.  i mean, maybe skimmed the surface or dipped our feet in the water, but not this plunge and continued plunge and swimming to get used to the freezing cold and hard pain and swarming of emotions, intensity, thoughts, feelings, badness, shame, and on and on it goes.  maybe we’re giving ourselves more pats on the back than we deserve on this and not working as hard on it as it feels like.  just something about it feels different.  and we’ve also fairly agreed that unlike some memories and healing work, we seem to be doing this latest stuff mostly as a system versus it being separated to individual insiders or groups directly involved and then have the healing spread out as necessary and as things are triggered from there.  it just seems like we’re all working at it on our own and somewhat together kind of at the same time, even though we may be working on different issues or angles of it at the same time.  i don’t know. i feel like what i’m saying is all wrong.

i don’t think our healing work and memory work will always be like this.  i just can see that this is what seems to be happening now and right now i feel like it is telling me how deep to the overall system core this stuff goes.  but maybe that’s not quite what it means entirely, although some of us definitely believe this particular stuff does go deep to the core level of things for us.  it could also be that we’re growing as a system that we’re sharing more or somehow working on a memory and the aftereffects of it fairly system wide versus keeping it solely within the confines of those individual insiders who directly experienced it.  at the same time, we feel certain that we will end up needing those individual insiders to be able to really share and tell their memories and stories and truths.  it’s like we’re doing this opposite of what we have done in the past.  i’m being told i’m wrong.  i just know something is different and i’m trying to figure out what it is that is different. it’s a good different i think anyway at least.

so maybe we’ll get up the courage to write more about what those aftereffects are and what we’re working on.  we’re slowly getting up the courage as we tell little bits about things and process stuff in our support group.  we’ve been talking a little bit about it each week for the past 3 weeks, maybe 4, but definitely 3 weeks that i can think of.  they are being very patient with us.

i’ve got to go. i really just want to crawl away and hide and sleep.  we’re really having a hard time tonight.  i know i didn’t talk all about that, but we really are.  the pain inside hurts so bad and there is so much sadness and things are swirling around and stirred up because of having shared so much tonight.  i mean stuff we were not saying aloud happened, like names and some specifics, and then it just came tumbling out.  and i know i’m probably acting or sounding as if we said such huge revelations and i’m sure we’re making a bigger deal out of it.

i’ve got to stop.  it’s really not good to be so surprised and at the same time proud of us and at the same time scared, disgusted, ashamed, bad, etc. for things having been told. we really didn’t know they were going to talk about it.  i mean we knew it was going to be talked about somewhat, but some of us had no idea who it was that was going to do the actual sharing, and we definitely didn’t think they were going to talk about it and they did and so some of us are still quite shocked at how “out there” some stuff was said– i mean, no holds barred kind of just saying it without thinking or listening to the consequences or worrying or just saying stuff like an adult and big and not so much fear or shame even though there is all of that too. it’s hard to explain. i’m being told how stupid and yucky i am and so i really should stop.  i wish they wouldn’t criticize so much of how i write or what i write.

us, others, julies