i really have no idea why the title for this post.  i just suddenly heard it right about the time we decided we would write a brief blurb of an entry and were musing over what exactly we had the energy to write about at the moment.  anyway, i heard this and i somehow knew it was in reference to the title and at the same time, it makes no sense to me really.  usually we try to make sense of the title and only allow it if it makes a little bit of sense, but it doesn’t make sense to me at the moment. oh well, maybe it will come to me later.  my brain is too tired to think at the moment.

so yes, another post about how exhausted we are. it was a long, long, long weekend and a very long day and night with the mother today.  we just got home about 30-45 minutes or so, maybe less (sometime in the early 4:00-4:30 A.M. hour).  i don’t recall exactly, but that’s a good estimate.  we could have stayed over at her house of course, but we couldn’t deal with it, even though we were very tired… but at the same time we were able to find enough of us awake enough to drive home safely and all that jazz.   and of course we’ll still awake… debating on whether to unload our car or deal with the anxiety of our stuff in the car and fears of it being stolen and stuff while we are sleeping.  it’s rather stupid of a fear cuz really it is very unlikely, but i guess really it is huge distrust and a need to keep things close to us where we can gauge the level of safety of it.

we were given some very nice clothes yesterday from the mother’s roommate’s daughter.  most of the clothes are hardly worn and good quality clothes (presumably) since they are brand name clothes.  the only issue we have is the whole dressing via color and our main current color choice being primarily deep blue with some black and pink.  so now with all these new clothes that are much needed, we’ve got to do some processing and creative thinking on how to deal with the whole color issue and internal issues and stuff, since our new clothes span a wide range of colors and some colors we just wouldn’t pick or choose ordinarily.  the other colors our new clothes have are colors that are rarely worn these days (though they used to be worn quite often).  anyway, the colors of the new clothes are good colors on us for the most part.  we happened to try them on in front of the mother, her roommate, and a family friend (who knows a lot about whether a person looks good in winter, summer, etc. clothes and make-up, etc.).  anyway, apparently the majority (or all?) of the clothes were “our colors” to be wearing and they do look nice on us.  so… very grateful for the new clothes that were given to us.  what a huge, huge blessing.  and a big sigh on how the hell we’re going to deal with this internally and come up with a solution so that we can peacefully wear the clothes due to the wide variety of colors and so forth.

this situation has actually had the thought come across the main shared brain space amongst us julies and Julies to consider whether we need to look at the whole color identity stuff and how it most likely or is or well, hmm, something (have to have some denial or possibly catch-all area in case we’re crazy or it is some other bizarre reason we don’t know about yet) for why colors have huge meaning to us that goes very deep into the core of each of us.  i personally just can’t imagine ever shedding the color intensity from within us, because it is who we each are.  i mean our color identity is a part of each of us. i feel like i’m not explaining it correctly because it is just something so very hard to put into words.  i know nothing happened to me like that with the colors (abuse [if it happened]) but somehow it was set-up that way after whatever happened to the others and stuff.  like things were set up or things just got replicated or something in the ways that they were supposed to or something or another like that after whatever it is that happened that made colors so freaking significant to us and we ended up just being a color-coded system.  others say we are coded in other ways too, but then others say no no no no, and so i don’t know, but i kind of think the first ones are right.

this is getting to be a long journal entry and it was supposed to be short and we should either get stuff out of our car or go to bed or at least try to sleep or take a nap or something.  i know we’re tired even though right now we’re awake and it seems like it would be hard to fall asleep and at the same time i think we could fall asleep fairly quickly.

sigh.  sometimes i just hate myself so bad and hate what i write and say and shouldn’t say anything ever.  it’s so hard to tell things even when i’m not even telling about anything.

i know i’m not making any sense because i keep contradicting myself, but i’m not in other ways.  i guess it depends on what you know and how you see it and stuff.

julies, others, anonymous