Skipping Over The Surface Notes

I guess we are here again with some brief things to say. Although that usually ends up turning into a lengthy entry, but we’ll see I suppose.

1. melie was around a lot last night. It is never a good sign when she is so close to the front or upfront and experiencing her anxiety and panic attacks and needs to get away from everyone and everything and hide from people, expectations, demands, people, and on and on it goes. The overwhelmed feelings, anxiety, panic, etc. are so intense when she is around. The need to run away and hide, and if we can’t do that, then to disconnect and have no contact with people, is just so high when she is near the front or outfront.

2. We had 2 appts Friday and was late to both of them, but the 2nd appt– we tried really hard to get there on time. Mostly it was having to go to the bathroom right before we left, combined with holiday traffic, and that cinched it for being about 10-15 minutes late. It was no big deal there and it worked out okay. Just still trying to work through the lasting worry and anxiety with being so late to the 1st appt (though seemingly okay and gone, it still remains in the “file that proves badness” to haunt us and be relived at some other moment in the future when whatever event reminds us or triggers us to have flashbacks of our “proof of badness” accompanied with all the negative feelings. I know this, because this is just how it has been all my life with things. At least I’m able to identify it more. It just isn’t easy to change or to fight against, mostly because I so believe all of it, especially with the proof, etc. Whatever. It’s complicated.

3. We’ve had a bit of a rough day. The last 2 nights we haven’t slept well at all. Even though tired, we couldn’t sleep and so sleep has been minimal and/or off-kilter. We did get some sleep last night, but last night is relative to being at about 6am-6:30am until a little after 1pm. Since then we’ve struggled with just getting shit done and doing what we need to do. We have a friend we so badly need to see as it has been so long and yet we flaked today on her. We were supposed to have gone out to see her. Now it is just too late. Maybe try tomorrow or work out another time… again.

4. We would really like the holidays to be over with. Every year we tell ourselves… it will be different next year. Next year we’ll be able to handle the stress of it all better. Next time we’ll be in a better spirit about it. Next year we’ll be ready for it. Next year, this and that, and the next year rolls around, and it isn’t like that at all. So we play the same head games and it just sucks.

I’m not sure what it is in recent years, but we’ve dealt with a lot of anger for no known reasons around the holidays (most any major holiday). There’s an anger or bitterness or hurt or something that we’re always battling around the holidays. And sadly, we struggle with this surrounding birthdays…and not just this body’s birthday. I just don’t remember if it was like this years ago. It could have been and I just didn’t notice it. It also seems like we were so hung up in the denial and hope or something or maybe we just dissociated better years ago around these times of year. I don’t know. It’s like it happened to someone else and in another lifetime.

So well there is much more…

Just wish sometimes we weren’t so scared to be vulnerable here and really write and tell things. Just wish we weren’t so worried our family will stumble across it sometime. Just wish we weren’t so scared we are doing the wrong thing by writing what we do and trying to have the courage to say more and share more and wondering if it is bad and wrong to do and stupid, etc.

I guess we have such a division inside of some wanting to tell all and who cares and what does it matter and it will be okay. Then there are so many more of us who are very scared and unsure and afraid to be bad and do the wrong thing by saying anything, particularly ultra personal information, details, etc. about our system or our lives.