I spoke to my mother earlier today. She called me and let me know that our family friend, Loretta, was over at her house helping with wrapping presents and preparing food for Christmas Day. We are celebrating Christmas at our brother’s house this year and he has a small kitchen and although he has approximately 6-8 hours with Noah this year, that time goes very fast for cooking, eating, and present opening, and then some playing time with them. So a lot of the food prep is being done ahead of time as much as possible. We are extremely grateful for Loretta because if she wasn’t there this year the pressure for us to have been there doing all this with the mother would have been that much worse. And we’re barely coping with the pressures and stress and overwhelmed stuff as it is.
The mother tried a new ‘tactic’ in getting us to come over. She called and after she spoke of what was going on and stuff, she said, “It would be greatly appreciated if you came over and helped today.” She called mid-morning and we hadn’t slept at all last night, but had fallen asleep sometime in the morning sunrise hours. She doesn’t normally say that quote. She usually asks in a different way. And I realize that it sounds perfectly appropriate. That’s how my mother is– sounds appropriate to anyone else but there is always underlying intonations and hidden agendas with it. In some ways I like to think the underlying stuff isn’t as intense as it used to be growing up, and I suspect a lot of it is just our own personal issues rising to the surface. We actually managed to say no of some kind and we let her know that we thought all the cooking stuff was happening tomorrow since we’re celebrating as a family on Christmas Day. Anyway, she wasn’t all that pleased as she wanted us still there, but then we explained that we hadn’t slept at all last night. So then she proceeded to let us know that she too hadn’t slept and had only had a few hours (1-3 hrs) of sleep.
Alas, the actual purpose and prompt of this post. We’ve been noticing in recent years, but have failed to actually track it, that the mother and us have an uncanny pattern of “trouble sleeping or lack of sleep” during “holidays” that can be connected to sra stuff.
We hate having anything similar or alike with the mother. It makes some inside nauseous and want to throw up… there’s this internal reaction most of the time. The mother of course loves it (basically wants us to be a replica of her) and gets an attitude when we don’t like what she likes. In some ways she will acknowledge that we like things… but if she doesn’t like them herself, it’s like that’s okay for us to like. (This isn’t an absolute… just it seems safer and more acceptable and okay) But if she likes something herself, and then we vocalize we don’t like something or prefer something different, etc., she gets a big attitude with us… the hidden anger just beneath the surface, the tension, contempt, and disgust, and disapproval, irritation, annoyance, and general yuck. Over the years (as I’ve gotten older) she’s gotten more covert about this, but there’s still layers there that are overt in ways that we recognize and experience, even though to some degree it wouldn’t be as obvious to an outside observer.
Anyway, back to our observation of yet another odd coincidence. You see we’ve been noticing off and on for years now that the mother has trouble sleeping during holiday times… including the “holidays” or “special days” that aren’t observed in general society all that much or at all. In the last few years, it’s been harder to deny that there might be “something” to this, and that it may indeed… just possibly… very hard to say emphatically, that it may be another piece to the puzzle or thing to add to the list of “things that point to sra having really happened in our life/lives.”
I have no memory of my parents being involved, but I also have very little memory of exactly who was involved. I have some strong sense of who likely was (the family of the neighbor boy(s) who abused us), plus some other possibilities mostly based on info of what we know about stuff as to who and how this could have possibly happened to us. I know some info about my mother and there definitely is a family connection on her side that may have led to things happening even though I didn’t live around her immediate and extended family. We did have a few visits from a very likely “contact” person that may have set things up. This is one of those “possibilities” that we hate to consider, but at the same time, we can’t ignore certain information that increases the likelihood of sra or other similar crap that we can’t say. Both the parents also had jobs with certain credentials and other interesting tidbits that we’ve learned along the way that certainly also increase the possibility of their involvement or easy access to us by their colleagues and what not
AND IT FUCKING DIDN’T HAPPEN
YOU WILL PAY IF YOU GET PAST ME AND SEND THIS
oh god oh god we just wanted to say that momma doesn’t sleep either when it is bad and hard days. and she used to get mean to us lots of times when we lived with her cuz she would get all mad and blow up at us too around or on those days or nights. not always but we started to see that it happened enough for us to wonder if it would show a big thing if we tracked it. and we mean that it happened when the body has been an adult cuz we’ve lived with her most of the body’s adult life. but no more, not ever, ever ifin we can do anything and everything to help it. we don’t want to ever. and don’t want to have to take care of her when she gets even sicker and dying.
and we are scared to send it but ifin we don’t that would be keeping secrets but ifin we do then we will be telling stuff that is bad and too much tellings ands can’t say more of all us fears and worries and stuff cuz that makes us even badder cuz everything gets all twisted up and everything said becomes a thing for someone inside to twist it and make it super bad and how people gonna think or know and prove we’re bad and all kinds of stuff that is so hard to explain. just it gets all big big big in head and scary to say anything at all. and we are scared but writing and saying this much. somebody protecting us now from inside and help the scary feelings but they just take thems away so we can do the hard thing and send and be super bad for peoples to know and we wanna delete or not send but there be some inside that want to send it and we hear some say ifin we send it they gonna unsend it and take it away and there be this big fight in telling and not telling just like a big fight over it true not true for us and believe not believe and all those things and lotta lots more than that.
ok, we send and maybe they take it away laters. we tryings.
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