i really have no idea why the title for this post. i just suddenly heard it right about the time we decided we would write a brief blurb of an entry and were musing over what exactly we had the energy to write about at the moment. anyway, i heard this and i somehow knew it was in reference to the title and at the same time, it makes no sense to me really. usually we try to make sense of the title and only allow it if it makes a little bit of sense, but it doesn’t make sense to me at the moment. oh well, maybe it will come to me later. my brain is too tired to think at the moment.
so yes, another post about how exhausted we are. it was a long, long, long weekend and a very long day and night with the mother today. we just got home about 30-45 minutes or so, maybe less (sometime in the early 4:00-4:30 A.M. hour). i don’t recall exactly, but that’s a good estimate. we could have stayed over at her house of course, but we couldn’t deal with it, even though we were very tired… but at the same time we were able to find enough of us awake enough to drive home safely and all that jazz. and of course we’ll still awake… debating on whether to unload our car or deal with the anxiety of our stuff in the car and fears of it being stolen and stuff while we are sleeping. it’s rather stupid of a fear cuz really it is very unlikely, but i guess really it is huge distrust and a need to keep things close to us where we can gauge the level of safety of it.
we were given some very nice clothes yesterday from the mother’s roommate’s daughter. most of the clothes are hardly worn and good quality clothes (presumably) since they are brand name clothes. the only issue we have is the whole dressing via color and our main current color choice being primarily deep blue with some black and pink. so now with all these new clothes that are much needed, we’ve got to do some processing and creative thinking on how to deal with the whole color issue and internal issues and stuff, since our new clothes span a wide range of colors and some colors we just wouldn’t pick or choose ordinarily. the other colors our new clothes have are colors that are rarely worn these days (though they used to be worn quite often). anyway, the colors of the new clothes are good colors on us for the most part. we happened to try them on in front of the mother, her roommate, and a family friend (who knows a lot about whether a person looks good in winter, summer, etc. clothes and make-up, etc.). anyway, apparently the majority (or all?) of the clothes were “our colors” to be wearing and they do look nice on us. so… very grateful for the new clothes that were given to us. what a huge, huge blessing. and a big sigh on how the hell we’re going to deal with this internally and come up with a solution so that we can peacefully wear the clothes due to the wide variety of colors and so forth.
Continue reading ‘morning takeover’
some of the younger ones inside were writing and saying what they wanted to say and well, it would be the
hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt
sad sad sad sad
bads bads bads bads
—-
we are exhausted. i hope to g-d we can sleep tonight. i think i may take a sleeping pill to attempt to ensure some sleep soon and not at the normal rise and shine hour for everyone else.
we had a good group tonight at our support group. we also shared quite a bit and so bold and upfront. it wasn’t us who are writing now. but definitely one of the adults and we think possibly someone from the purple group talking through Julie. or maybe it was someone from the gray-blue group. we’re not sure who it was, but it was different and definitely not Julie even though group members possibly thought it was, it is just she wouldn’t ordinarily tell all of that stuff quite the way it was said and with such strength and openness and less beating around the bush stuff. it’s hard to explain. something was different, but pretty sure Julie was there or around too.
it was a really hard share for us as a system. i mean in the moment the ones sharing it were fine, even when they were emotional, there was this strength or something that was blocking a lot of the fears and crazy thoughts and fears and messages that end up silencing us or freaking us out for saying anything. that wasn’t upfront when they were sharing. it’s just that we’re still affected by it.
Continue reading ‘tonight’s sharing in group and stuff’
So I think we’re going to dare to say something for as long as we can say it and get away with it.
We’ve come here a number of times to write, but each time, an overwhelming exhaustion, fatigue, and sleepiness will prevail and push us towards departing from having taken a step towards writing and often fairly quickly afterwards, we’ll end up having to leave the computer to go lay down. As such, the writing doesn’t happen, and a siege of sadness and sleepiness will have conquered us for an unknown amount of time, during which time we attempt to recover and try our attempts again at writing and telling and expressing ourselves. This has been going on extensively lately, but it is also a constant thing we deal with to some kind of varying degree.
So it occurred to a few of us as we were thinking and discussing it, that Sleeper may be involved in our difficulties with writing lately, since the sleepiness and exhaustion has been full force lately. It also seems to accompany an emotional exhaustion as well. I really prefer not to blame Sleeper 100%, particularly since I’m not entirely sure of all the dynamics. I just recognize these familiar dynamics as they take place in our attempts to write and in other areas of life. Accompanying this sudden onslaught of awareness, we had this surge of “we will overcome this” and so we’re here writing for as long as we can muster our strength and “telling” about Sleeper.
Continue reading ‘The Sleeper Key’
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