There are some of us who do not understand the need to be around people. There are some of us who do not understand the concept and feeling of loneliness. We feel that we are content being by ourselves. Alone. Safe. Noone in the external world around us. There is such a safety, serenity, peace, and sanctity about it all.
It seems like very few of us in this system have any real need for people. But at the same time, we know of experiences others inside have had that have taught us the importance of having people in our lives, and the gifts of being around safe people and people who bring us joy, etc.
Even still, much of the time when we hear friends speak of being lonely, there are many of us who try very hard to connect with that feeling. We know it exists inside for some, but it is either with only a small minority within or something we are disconnected from most of the time. We crave to be alone far more than we ever crave to be around people. There is far less anxiety when we are alone versus being around people. There’s something that is hard to put into words about how different and better or something it feels to be alone, but perhaps it is because it allows us to exist without interruptions to be in our own world and less connected to the outer world that this body lives in.
Sometimes we feel odd and out of place when we hear some of our friends share about their feelings of loneliness and needing to be around people. It is so hard for us to understand– each time we hear it, we look deep inside to connect to that feeling, for we know it is there and was there at one time. But it is like a candle barely lit that constantly flickers and barely survives. It is as though for many of us that the candles have already burnt out long ago for this need and the need to be alone and safe and something we can’t put into words far exceeds any loneliness feelings or needs to be around others.
At the same time, it is also a warning sign for us. For when melie becomes greatly upset and is strongly needing to run away and become a hermit of sorts, and others inside agree with her, then we know our system is tumbling downwards quickly and is in serious trouble.
We’re not sure why we suddenly decided to journal about this topic. It’s just something we’ve been thinking of from time to time and we were around to write about it. So there it is.
Us and Others
the totally weird thing is we were writing on this very topic today as we discussed this in T on Saturday. but were too shy to make any of it public. We dont understand lonliness much either–except probably in the last year have had glimpses of it. but yet, we struggle so much in relationships, that we know it is deeply rooted in our past, i think sometimes we never learned how to be connected to other people at all. we like being with people sometimes, but there is always something that makes us want to retreat instead.
I think that your mother smothers you so much, that if I were you too I would want to run away too. but just my thoughts.
hugs
melissa
I think that is one of the hard things about being a multiple - the feelings that are shut off behind walls or doors that you know are there somewhere but can not be accessed.
For me, I have the opposite thing, I hate to be alone! Although, I don’t connect well with people, I am much more comfortable with my horses than I ever will be with people.