Okay… so we have a lot of things to write about, but the more we think about really sitting down to write about them, the more sleepy we get. The more exhausted we get. The more Dead we get. We were fine a few minutes ago until we decided we really need to write in our journal. Then suddenly the wave of exhaustion, sleepy eyes, etc. came about. This Dead weight thing, similar to the Rag Doll Syndrome that we call it (for now), but not full force yet. So we are sneaking in for a minute to write this much, which seems to be somewhat okay. I think because we caught it in time… before it switched over into the place where we can’t write a single thing.
But still, it’s past that point of being able to write about the things we need to write about and frankly want to write about. We need to process some stuff, get it out of us, make some sense of it, have it documented for ourselves, etc. It would be wise to also do some preparations before therapy tomorrow so that we can get some needed work done.
I just wish I knew how to stop this sleepiness. It isn’t the same as being tired because we need to go to bed. Yes, we need to go to bed, but there is a different energy vibe about this that isn’t in relation to physical exhaustion, although what happens is we get physically exhausted and have a hard time keeping the eyes open, not going to the bed or couch to curl up in a fetal position and hide under the covers and hold Emmie. So it doesn’t sound like it makes sense about it being separate of just physical exhaustion, but it is different and separate, although it does make us like that. But it is like we could have this happen to us no matter what time of the day it is, no matter how rested and alert we are. I hate it. It is so powerful. It controls us in a way. And I don’t like it. So we’re trying to write about it before it completely overtakes us. So far, so good. We’re fighting it.
It’s just I don’t dare really discuss things we need to discuss. If I even THINK about it, the sleepy eyes get that much worse, the exhaustion gets worse, the dead weight in the body gets worse.
And suddenly I realize that this is what happens a lot when we think about healing issues or think about having real purposeful communication with one another consciously instead of random commentaries and things like that. The sleepiness happens. Just thinking about it increases exhaustion and sleepiness. It is like an automatic trigger.
Somehow, I can suddenly see how it might be some kind of program. Which sounds stupid, I know, and I ought to tread carefully here, because I could fast forward things to the point where we can’t continue writing. I mostly just wish I knew exactly what it is and how to fix it and change it.
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