Multiple Reflections

Okay… so we have a lot of things to write about, but the more we think about really sitting down to write about them, the more sleepy we get. The more exhausted we get. The more Dead we get. We were fine a few minutes ago until we decided we really need to write in our journal. Then suddenly the wave of exhaustion, sleepy eyes, etc. came about. This Dead weight thing, similar to the Rag Doll Syndrome that we call it (for now), but not full force yet. So we are sneaking in for a minute to write this much, which seems to be somewhat okay. I think because we caught it in time… before it switched over into the place where we can’t write a single thing.

But still, it’s past that point of being able to write about the things we need to write about and frankly want to write about. We need to process some stuff, get it out of us, make some sense of it, have it documented for ourselves, etc. It would be wise to also do some preparations before therapy tomorrow so that we can get some needed work done.

I just wish I knew how to stop this sleepiness. It isn’t the same as being tired because we need to go to bed. Yes, we need to go to bed, but there is a different energy vibe about this that isn’t in relation to physical exhaustion, although what happens is we get physically exhausted and have a hard time keeping the eyes open, not going to the bed or couch to curl up in a fetal position and hide under the covers and hold Emmie. So it doesn’t sound like it makes sense about it being separate of just physical exhaustion, but it is different and separate, although it does make us like that. But it is like we could have this happen to us no matter what time of the day it is, no matter how rested and alert we are. I hate it. It is so powerful. It controls us in a way. And I don’t like it. So we’re trying to write about it before it completely overtakes us. So far, so good. We’re fighting it.

It’s just I don’t dare really discuss things we need to discuss. If I even THINK about it, the sleepy eyes get that much worse, the exhaustion gets worse, the dead weight in the body gets worse.

And suddenly I realize that this is what happens a lot when we think about healing issues or think about having real purposeful communication with one another consciously instead of random commentaries and things like that. The sleepiness happens. Just thinking about it increases exhaustion and sleepiness. It is like an automatic trigger.

Somehow, I can suddenly see how it might be some kind of program. Which sounds stupid, I know, and I ought to tread carefully here, because I could fast forward things to the point where we can’t continue writing. I mostly just wish I knew exactly what it is and how to fix it and change it.

I know, “ask inside,” is the answer. And so of course, I realized (after my last therapy session), how much I don’t expect an answer and how we lack a lot of important system communication. It occurred to me that some of it is because a) I don’t expect an answer to be given to me, b) If I get any information, I immediately or often doubt it or question it or worry it isn’t the correct one… like what if I’m being given part of the answer and not the whole truth and some piece that isn’t given to me would change the answer entirely in its meaning, at which point, I would be bad and wrong for believing it was X that I was told or heard or received as an answer, but didn’t find out that there was a Y to it until long after I was saying it was X, and c) Because I don’t expect an answer to be given to me… I ask half-heartedly, and give only a brief amount of time for an answer, and then just put the whole thing away somewhere inside. So I know I need to “sit with it” and to “be with ourselves” when asking for some answers that I can’t imagine knowing or receiving any answers from someone inside, let alone, I can’t imagine it being true. That sounds so horrible. I know I should believe them. I know there is no reason not to believe them. Of course, why would they tell me something if they know this is how I will react. I don’t mean to not believe them… it’s just it is so hard to deal with, believe, and accept what they say is true. I can’t and don’t want to believe some of the horrors or craziness that comes with the answers. It sometimes doesn’t make sense to me or it doesn’t make sense to me when I try to fit it into the “it didn’t happen category” or “i can’t believe that could have possibly happened to “me.”

I probably am just saying stupid stuff and not really saying any of it right. Hmmm, I can tell that julie (lowercase) is here with me as well.

Mind is blank (Eraser), things feel blocked (Blocker). I’m far sleepier (Sleeper) than before. I think we really need to go and tackle The Keys, The Functions, the Function Keys. Whatever and whoever they are– as they seem to control a lot and are behind a lot of the dysfunction. I know I shouldn’t just go and blame them. I’ve learned that isn’t a good thing either. But I don’t know my part in this, my responsibility in this.

I can’t write anymore. I guess we were getting close to something or saying too much or the battle has been won. At least this time, we didn’t slink away in silence like usual and just wait until another opportunity arises where we have the energy or the ‘whatever it is that allows us to write’ kind of thing happen.

Not sure who was here… seems like at least a lot of us around or involved, though not so directly…

Julie/s, julies, and ???