Multiple Reflections

There’s such a hurting, an exhaustion, a need for so many things to take place, and yet the daily crawl of doing them only digs further into an enclosed space where it only exists in some small cavity (of this mind). There’s these moments when thoughts will pass by, when the motivation, the imagery, the plans, the ability to create some spark of life, to exist in this other world called Earth. These moments will occur with such a startle. In truth, it is simply that those from the Purple Group or some others unknown in similarities that have come forth, and they are there for that short time, exacting their plans, making strides in living this life. Yet it will disappear just as suddenly as it came, and often they never make it past being near to the front where we can experience some of their essences, and so instead of them coming forward fully, and we disappear further back, they just pass on by. Somehow blocked from the outside. And the rest of us are left floundering, trying to deal with our issues, our stumbling blocks, and figure out how they do it. So often we forget to ask for their help, and even if we do, it is unknown whether they will come or whether they can come outfront and just take care of it. So often we think we have to figure it out ourselves, to somehow make it happen ourselves…that it is some important process we must endure to pass some test and be worthwhile.

More and more we find ourselves thinking about things and getting closer to some system wide understanding or agreements (mostly anyway), and we find ourselves facing the unstoppable and encroaching Function Keys. And we scatter and return to our posts, to our familiar ways of coping and living, gaining whatever momentum and energy to try another round of getting past The Function Keys.

I’m also understanding more and more why last year (perhaps further back than that, but definitely last year…months ago), that there was system comments and strong definitive stances made by many inside stating that we could not undergo the process necessary to deprogram, dismantle, make lasting system changes, etc. without being in a safe hospital that understood multiplicity and allowed for us to do the necessary work with support and somewhere the system would stay safe as we unraveled everything and changed things. It wasn’t stated exactly like this, but the gist was understood, and the need for the hospital in order to keep the system safe from self-destruction and SI, and to make the process even worth attempting without major damage (hopefully), to go to a specialized dissociative disorder unit somewhere so we could deal with it.

I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’s like a large number of system functioning, daily functioning, etc. reside under the control of The Function Keys and whenever we even begin to think about, or make any step, no matter how tiny, it sets things in motion and the repercussions follow. Every time we go to tackle an issue, ultimately it circles back to the bottom line of their (Function Keys) interference. I could be wrong about all of this, but this is what it seems like to me. I hope I’m not just pointing a finger elsewhere and blaming them. There have been numerous occasions over the years where we’ve encountered system interference and things blocking our success, healing, or changes, etc. And so very often it has been something indescribable happening inside, a powerful force controlling things, and something very unnamed and barely seen. Occasionally, we knew who it was, if it was Blocker or Eraser, and at times we sensed it was someone or something like them, but no words or name to identify it with. Sometimes we had inklings of whom/what it was, but we are truly really just beginning to become aware of it in ways that we’ve never been aware of it before. We’re just now really beginning to discuss it any length, inside and outside, and to consider making any significant attempt to deal with them.

And all of this feels so extremely dangerous to us. The ironic thing is not only does this feel literally life and death to us, but also symbolically… if we want to have a life, we have to put their power and control and programmed ways to death.

Life - if we want to stay alive, we are not to change anything and they remain in control, etc.

Life - if we want a “life” of healing and having a “life” other than what we have now, we have to deal with them in different ways and overcome them

Death - we will physically die if we change things, remove their power, etc., and heal

Death - if things continue as they are now, we are destined to a dead life… walking dead on this earth….. dead, but breathing….

I don’t think I’m capturing what I’m sensing and understanding.

It just brings up so much inside and creates a headache and spin of so much. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this, we’re scared, and …..

can’t talk no more.

Julies and ?