We just encountered a difficult situation for us.  A very uncomfortable one that brought the younger kids close to the surface, holding our stomach area and rocking while sitting on our sofa…while on the phone…trying to stay grown-up and not switch.  The kids were craving Emmie to be there to hold and wishing she was there on our couch… like she usually is whenever we are awake (or in our lap or arms).  Emmie often goes wherever we go in our apt.

Oddly enough while I’m thinking about it, we were on our cordless, so we could have gone to get her, but somehow we ended up frozen on the couch and rocking instead while trying to stay grown up the longer the phone conversation went.

But after the call, we immediately went and got Emmie and then called a friend for a brief call to just do a generalized grounding and to know that we are okay and it will be okay.  So I’m proud of us for reaching out and letting that be okay to do so.  And thank you to my friend!

This whole situation is part of something that began last Tuesday of last week and we made the mistake of answering the phone when we didn’t know who was calling.  All the other times he called, he didn’t have his number blocked….and we didn’t answer his numerous phone calls.  So we weren’t expecting it to be him.

Don’t have the energy to explain what happened last Tuesday, but we’ve been doing our best to take care of ourselves and stop the situation before it continued.  I’m a little bit surprised at our reaction so quickly tonight.

I’m wondering if there is more to our reaction from last Tuesday and then today after contact with this guy.  I’m wondering if it is more than saying, “no” and setting boundaries and all that goes with that for us that is affecting us and making things so unstable and be upsetting.  I’m really beginning to wonder if there is something about him specifically that also triggers us, but I have no idea what it is.  Just so you know, there was no sex of any kind and so it doesn’t have anything to do with that.  However, our PTSD and sexual abuse issues and saying no and setting boundaries and saying yes when really we mean no, and all that other stuff is certainly happening.

Julie/s (and others around)

Damn it! We just woke up from a nap about an hour and a half ago and this whole situation and feelings and whatever it is…. it is causing (or so it seems) this need to crawl back in bed and hide and sleep and recover from it.  I hate that.  It is so stupid that it is like that.  It sounds so pathetic.  I don’t know how to fight the sleepiness.  And I just can’t let the cleaning of this apt. go any longer… we need to take care of it.