There is stuff going on inside, albeit it is much further away from me now. I think I’m grateful for that, but I’m not sure–even when things are so hard and crazy inside, at least I know what’s going on. Hmm, well, I mean at least I have an inkling of what’s going on, even if it is foggy and hard to decipher what exactly is being said and going on. Like my senses are all diminished in capacity. And of course now, I have no memory of what the hell I gathered from them earlier, other than the knowledge and sense that there are a lot struggling inside and it seemed like a lot were dealing with heavy flashbacks internally or something. Just losing their grip on things.
I don’t know what was going on tonight in group. Something was going on for sure inside. L.J. ? or one of the kids who represents herself as L.J. but I think she is older than L.J. (and I’m beginning to notice the differences), mentioned something about it while we were taking our turn to share. I definitely sensed a lot of chaos inside, a lot of hurt and pain, and I felt like I/we were doing everything we could to not have it explode externally, let alone with witnesses. It sounds worse than maybe it was, but at the same time, I think it wasn’t as severe of a potential because we were doing everything we could to keep it in the distance, at bay, as far from the front as possible. Sure there was leakage, but if it had gotten any closer, then it would have really been incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of appropriateness. This was all happening before our sharing time. Even though it wasn’t ultra close to the front and the potential wasn’t as strong as other times that we’ve encountered, it still felt intense and really difficult and just as bad as those times when the potential of it unleashing its madness externally was right at the surface about to blow. Somehow it moved away and further back by the time we began sharing. I think at least… not sure, but I know it was further away.