There is stuff going on inside, albeit it is much further away from me now.  I think I’m grateful for that, but I’m not sure–even when things are so hard and crazy inside, at least I know what’s going on.  Hmm, well, I mean at least I have an inkling of what’s going on, even if it is foggy and hard to decipher what exactly is being said and going on. Like my senses are all diminished in capacity.  And of course now, I have no memory of what the hell I gathered from them earlier, other than the knowledge and sense that there are a lot struggling inside and it seemed like a lot were dealing with heavy flashbacks internally or something.  Just losing their grip on things.

I don’t know what was going on tonight in group.  Something was going on for sure inside.  L.J. ? or one of the kids who represents herself as L.J. but I think she is older than L.J. (and I’m beginning to notice the differences), mentioned something about it while we were taking our turn to share.  I definitely sensed a lot of chaos inside, a lot of hurt and pain, and I felt like I/we were doing everything we could to not have it explode externally, let alone with witnesses.  It sounds worse than maybe it was, but at the same time, I think it wasn’t as severe of a potential because we were doing everything we could to keep it in the distance, at bay, as far from the front as possible.  Sure there was leakage, but if it had gotten any closer, then it would have really been incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of appropriateness.  This was all happening before our sharing time.  Even though it wasn’t ultra close to the front and the potential wasn’t as strong as other times that we’ve encountered, it still felt intense and really difficult and just as bad as those times when the potential of it unleashing its madness externally was right at the surface about to blow.  Somehow it moved away and further back by the time we began sharing.  I think at least… not sure, but I know it was further away.

Later tonight after I said goodbye to someone, and realized that Billie wasn’t there to hug her or at least share in the hug, I suddenly wondered why that was.  I thought it was odd that Billie hadn’t really shown up much at all tonight to flirt and do whatever it is that Billie does.  I was especially surprised she wasn’t immediately there to ensure a hug (if possible) with this lady.  I nearly drove off without getting out of the car after we dropped her off at her place to give a goodbye hug.  It surprisingly hadn’t entered my mind and Billie wasn’t there at all either.  Billie and her (or at least someone in her) have been flirting for quite some time now.  Anyway, so I was thinking about all of this and wondered if it had anything to do with how bad we looked tonight.  I mean, I wondered if perhaps Billie wouldn’t even consider showing up when we didn’t appear halfway decent, have showered with fresh clothes, etc.  But I asked inside anyway and the answer I received was that she was busy dealing with stuff inside.  And then it hit me… of course! I knew this on some level before and certainly had heard before about Billie commenting on how she does a “shitload of crap inside” and just has a lot she’s responsible for.  I still don’t entirely know all that she does.  I just know some basics.  But it suddenly made sense with all the stuff that was going on tonight, that of course she would be preoccupied with helping out internally and in her own way, externally.

I’m not sure where all this was going.  I think I just wanted to say this much.  I realized we hadn’t written in awhile and there is so much to write about (as usual), and so I thought I would say this much; Perhaps this will get the ink flowing again.

It’s late and I’m tired and there’s stuff that is going on that I’d really like to not look at, but I suppose I ought to consider looking at it… as it only bites me ferociously later.

Julie with some Julies around