Daily Archive for January 27th, 2008

The Walls Notes and More

Published
by
JAGA
on January 27, 2008
in System Information
. 6 Comments

This is a brief note to self.  The other night as we lay in bed drifting to sleep and thinking about things, information came tumbling through about things.  Unfortunately we are missing an important piece of information, but we also recall another important piece of information.  There were at least 2 important things we planned to write about before the information was taken away and lost and tucked away inside somewhere.  Some of us knew it was a mistake to not get up out of bed immediately and write about it, even if we only took notes about it.  At least we have knowledge about one of them.

Something brief to discuss for now; Notes to Self

The Walls

There are two major walls that separate the Left Side, Middle, and Right Side.  Each area has its own levels, sub-levels, lands, structures, etc.  The Middle area is currently not known to have levels or sub-levels, but they may exist.  Lands and Structures do exist in the Middle Area.

The Left Facing side of the walls are red brick.  The Right Facing side of the walls are grey brick.  A red brick wall is built tall, high, and long and stands next to a grey brick wall that is built the same.  They both back up against one another.

So

Red Brick Wall/Gray Brick Wall  then Middle area then Red Brick Wall/Gray Brick Wall

Left Side   …………………..Walls…. then Middle area………Walls………then Right Side

Each Wall has at least One Face that is alive, seeing, all knowing.

The Red Brick Walls always face in the Left Direction.  Face as in the Main Face faces left.

The Gray Brick Walls always face in the Right Direction. Face as in the Main Face faces Right.

There was fuzzy information as to whether there are other faces located along these walls, facing the appropriate direction as described above.  If so, these faces are not as large or strong as the Main Faces.  At least it didn’t appear that way.  If there are other faces along these walls, there is something important or hidden about them– something yet to be discovered and understood.

It seems there was more information about these Walls and Faces.  Something that made things fit and made things make sense after all these years.  Perhaps it wasn’t about this but it was about the other thing we no longer recall.  We do know that additional information was provided on something and then that information was connected to old pieces of information provided years ago and then things suddenly clicked and made a lot of sense.  It also just made things more real and validating and the old pieces of information just made even more sense with the new information.  Unfortunately, the old and new information and connections made about it all have been taken away and/or forgotten.  It is now unknown.  We can only hope to know it again.  We should have immediately gotten up and written about it somewhere, anywhere.

We know better than to believe it is too powerful of information to possibly be forgotten or lost or taken away… that there is no way we won’t know this or remember this the next day.  We know better than to play that kind of head game with ourselves and to actually believe this.  And yet we still play the head game and believe we just can’t possibly forget or lose this piece of information– it is far too intense and strong and powerful and made an indention in the brain.  But alas, it happened, as usual, and it’s gone.  Someday we hope to get it back, sooner than later would be nice.

Us, Julies, (and All) around

The Move and Its Storm

Published
by
JAGA
on January 27, 2008
in Billie, Jillie and Julie
. 3 Comments Tags: , .

Big Breath.

I can do this. It’s just like before, years ago. Just like when I began therapy due to flashbacks. Just like the first time at age 18 I tried to move out of the mother’s house and with a friend. I did move out, but only lasted a few months. The mother convinced me to return. It was a fine situation with friend, but I had moved in with her and her daughter and it was tight and cramped. The mother said she would pay and help me to go to college. She didn’t, because I wanted to go to a different community college than she wanted me to go to. The community college offered a better program for what I wanted to study. That’s why I wanted to go to the community college of my choice. No difference in cost; just I wouldn’t submit to going to a college that didn’t offer the same program of study. Yes, dumb me. So is life.

It’s also like before- when we began therapy with intent to stay, no matter the cost. It’s when J.I.P. (Julie In Pink) was created. She was there to withstand the family cost that happened as a result of speaking the truth and entering therapy. She took the backlash that followed us, although with the help of others inside. But she never lost her sight of healing and put it as her highest priority in life. Sometimes it seems that was to our detriment at times, but other times, we greatly appreciate and value what J.I.P. did for us as a system. She maintained the hope, the dreams, the vision of healing, and it took great courage for her to not back-down and submit to the mother or father or brother.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite living with her the majority of this body’s entire adult life.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite the fact this was ‘out of character’ for the body of the mother’s daughter to do– submission and passive was the cards routinely played for safety and survival.  Any attempts to do otherwise were quickly squashed and punished in a variety of ways.  Dissociation and silent protectors, like Billie, and others withstood the aftermath of doing anything that crossed the mother’s rules or disapproval and disgust.  Yes, silent.  Billie protected by taking the emotional and verbal abuse by the mother and bearing the brunt of it while remaining silent.  Billie knew that to do otherwise was actually more harmful to Julie and this system and not worth it.  Billie’s loyalty lied with helping Jillie and Julie and others in the system and not with the mother, or as Billie says, “Julie’s mother.”  If the slightest thing was said in defense of ourselves, if Billie or anyone else were to give the mother a “look” while silently taking the verbal lashing by the mother, this too would be added to the mother’s disapproval, disgust, and verbal beating into submission.  So J.I.P. standing her ground to remain in therapy and continue onward in spite of all of this is remarkable.  We also take credit for our system stance in this as well, for we had something to do with it as well.  Additionally, to be clear, Billie joined our system when the body was 17 and the mother went on her rampages during that year and thereafter- when the body was an adult.

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