Multiple Reflections

Big Breath.

I can do this. It’s just like before, years ago. Just like when I began therapy due to flashbacks. Just like the first time at age 18 I tried to move out of the mother’s house and with a friend. I did move out, but only lasted a few months. The mother convinced me to return. It was a fine situation with friend, but I had moved in with her and her daughter and it was tight and cramped. The mother said she would pay and help me to go to college. She didn’t, because I wanted to go to a different community college than she wanted me to go to. The community college offered a better program for what I wanted to study. That’s why I wanted to go to the community college of my choice. No difference in cost; just I wouldn’t submit to going to a college that didn’t offer the same program of study. Yes, dumb me. So is life.

It’s also like before- when we began therapy with intent to stay, no matter the cost. It’s when J.I.P. (Julie In Pink) was created. She was there to withstand the family cost that happened as a result of speaking the truth and entering therapy. She took the backlash that followed us, although with the help of others inside. But she never lost her sight of healing and put it as her highest priority in life. Sometimes it seems that was to our detriment at times, but other times, we greatly appreciate and value what J.I.P. did for us as a system. She maintained the hope, the dreams, the vision of healing, and it took great courage for her to not back-down and submit to the mother or father or brother.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite living with her the majority of this body’s entire adult life.  She stood her ground in the face of the mother despite the fact this was ‘out of character’ for the body of the mother’s daughter to do– submission and passive was the cards routinely played for safety and survival.  Any attempts to do otherwise were quickly squashed and punished in a variety of ways.  Dissociation and silent protectors, like Billie, and others withstood the aftermath of doing anything that crossed the mother’s rules or disapproval and disgust.  Yes, silent.  Billie protected by taking the emotional and verbal abuse by the mother and bearing the brunt of it while remaining silent.  Billie knew that to do otherwise was actually more harmful to Julie and this system and not worth it.  Billie’s loyalty lied with helping Jillie and Julie and others in the system and not with the mother, or as Billie says, “Julie’s mother.”  If the slightest thing was said in defense of ourselves, if Billie or anyone else were to give the mother a “look” while silently taking the verbal lashing by the mother, this too would be added to the mother’s disapproval, disgust, and verbal beating into submission.  So J.I.P. standing her ground to remain in therapy and continue onward in spite of all of this is remarkable.  We also take credit for our system stance in this as well, for we had something to do with it as well.  Additionally, to be clear, Billie joined our system when the body was 17 and the mother went on her rampages during that year and thereafter- when the body was an adult.

While we believe this coming storm will not be as severe or lengthy as what J.I.P. and our system encountered those early years, we do expect it to be something similar and also difficult for our system to hold our ground in this.  Although we will be moving irregardless, it will be difficult for us to stand up and bravely defend and assert ourselves that this is okay for us to do and to not have internal reactions and negative tapes playing inside as a result of doing something against the rules and disapproval, etc.  Stupid yes, but the current reality.

J.I.P. has since integrated into Julie, although at times it has been said she has re-separated (or is that de-integrated?). It is unknown the status of things at this time. I think perhaps they have merged again; the first time was by choice and need, and any subsequent times have simply occurred naturally.

We joked to a friend what we realized we were up against and whether we might need to create someone for this upheaval. Seriously it was a joke as we feel stronger these days in battling the family boat that rocks unsteadily as the approaching storm reigns its weight and force upon us. We don’t see a true need at this time to create anyone. Someone inside says, “and besides, it’s against the rules in therapy.” But others inside honestly don’t care about that rule and stand strongly behind the defense of we will do whatever is needed for us to survive. Some others stand defiantly stronger with a “Fuck You” attitude if anyone doesn’t like it. Others simply dislike being told what they can’t do, especially something this personal.

So here we are, preparing to move, and readying ourselves for the expectation of a fierce storm. Perhaps it will blow over and be nothing as expected, but the signs all point to something else. We are merely moving 21.7 miles away from our current apartment.

It will be difficult when we explain the various differences that come with renting an apartment in the city versus suburbs, particularly a subsidized apartment. It is a smaller apartment, without carpet or hardwood floors- just linoleum, it doesn’t have a bathtub-only a shower, there isn’t a dishwasher, the stove/oven is smaller (though we don’t use one that much anyway), and things aren’t updated like we have in our current apartment. We have also realized that we will need to sell some of our furniture and find other smaller sized furniture. We have found a computer desk that should fit nicely and we are picking that up later today (Sunday) provided the weather isn’t exceptionally bad. We will be selling our computer desk, and expect to sell our entertainment center as well and get something different. We really have no room for our table and chairs but we are having trouble with letting it go. We like it a lot and it was a great bargain, and although its size converts to something small, we’re not sure just yet if even that will be small enough to find space in our apartment along with the rest of our stuff. We only had a very brief (and literally a walk in and walk out rush thing) review of the apartment. We will have a better idea in the very near future what we need to work with. Selling our furniture and getting something different is also something we expect to send the mother “over the edge” in disapproval. Strange yes, but true– we strongly expect there to be comments about it.

We’ve already heard tidbits about these things as though they were things that must automatically deter us from moving. So when this information is confirmed to the mother, she will set about her disapproval and other negative things with a potential for a silent but deadly anger in the air and tone and mannerism for we are breaking some golden rule of hers. The brother is somewhat more supportive, but he still questions our decision, although he resorts to supporting us, even if he doesn’t understand it. The mother will undoubtedly try to recruit him to convince us to change our mind, as of course, she just doesn’t know what to do and worries about us and we won’t listen to her, etc.

We have our reasons for moving and although there are some inside who are scared and fearful of this change, there is also excitement and a deeper knowing within that this is the right thing for us to do. It makes sense short term and long term, both financially and emotionally. Yes there are drawbacks, but there are also drawbacks to staying here.

So we are bracing ourselves for the potential fierce storm that is coming.

No Name (not even sure that is the name… just nothing, no identity, just blank) and later some of Julie mixed in towards the middle and end