Multiple Reflections

I don’t know what to do or why things are the way they are, and yet they are the usual frustrations.

We’ve been up all night- again.

Yesterday, on the 1st, after being up all night (31st-1st) and then sleeping during the day on the 1st, we had a horrible dream with a lot of spiritual attacking and fighting and just your general yuck-o kind of thing.  It seems the attacks are returning.  A little different than before, but still stressful and ’staying’ with us for awhile.

I don’t really know why we’re not going to bed sooner.  I think part of it is that we’ve got ourselves into a bad pattern, but the other part of it seems resistance to go to bed.  Something that we just can’t seem to do in the nighttime hours these days and I really don’t like sleeping on the couch as it isn’t good for our back or comfortable really, although we can dissociate all of that… but still, really need to be in bed.

Our apartment is one gigantic mess.  I saw this coming and kept trying to do something about it before it got like this, but alas, it is what it is.  And it is overwhelming and we can’t seem to do anything about it.  The ones inside who can do this stuff without that many problems are nowhere to be found.  The rest of us have our own issues, depression, etc.

I’ve wondered today how much of it is depression, how much of it is motivation, how much of it is fatigue, or how much of it is learned helplessness.  How much of it is being lazy and bad, and how much of it is something we just don’t understand.  How much of it is payback for delving into dangerous territory with The Function Keys and how much is it about us telling things and hence, punishment by some in the system.  How much is it the stress of moving and how much of it is the fear of moving. (even with some excitement, there are mixed emotions about stuff) How much is it that we have visions and plans of how to make the most of this move and cleaning out our boxes and stuff and thus, gets us closer to living, and as a result and to keep that from happening, we’re being forced to not be able to do anything productive.  It’s hard to explain without going into details and just too damn tired to bother.  We understand what it is.  The constant fucking problem and catch-22 bind.  The freaking programming I guess is what it is.  I mean none of that is real or true for us anyway of course.

Sigh.

We need help and yet there is fear in asking and badness in asking.  It’s stupid and yet we feel so very unworthy of help.  Like we don’t give enough to anybody in this life as it is and so how dare we think of asking for any help.  And if we actually think of asking and then do it, then there is this belief and pressure that we owe them back big time and that causes stress too.  Then there is the constant struggle and battle of “we have to do it on our own” and “we have to work this out on our own,” and like it is some kind of failure or something to need help with this, especially since we know a lot of it is symbolically tied to our inside.

I need to cry and can’t.  Every now and then, I can sense or see that it might happen if we just allow it and let go, but I resist even that.  For that means being on the floor rocking and just breaking down, and just resist that, even alone.  So we distract with mind numbing whatever and avoid anything that might trigger that.

We need to journal in our handwritten journal.  We need to make a to do list.  We need to write down a list of house rules for our system to follow and numerous other things.  We need to begin creating a list of things and begin working out a solution for others to have time out and working on their interests or their top priority and just stuff so that it works more smoothly and with better cooperation and things like that.  But everytime we get close to that, the sleepiness and exhaustion rears its ugly head.  And there is fear, yes, with that too.  Just heard someone say, “want to die.”

I don’t know– just that so often we can visualize or figure out a plan of action, but it never materializes on the outside, and meanwhile, our external life falls apart around us and crisis builds up and ensues.  It just fucking sucks.  Often the plan of action is forgotten or only pieces remembered, but we’ll have this idea, and then those inside who have their ideas– their ideas tend to be forgotten until they show up again at some unexpected moment to chime in on how if we did xyz and that if we did that then they want to do abc, well, then it is remembered.  So it is there… just it isn’t happening.

I need to… we need to… clean this apartment.  We really want to clean a section at a time and then take a picture of it clean, and then start packing that section.  Well… we need to take pictures of this mess too.  Sometimes we have so much shame about it and not sure if we’ll ever keep those messy pictures forever and if we might burn them and yet other times we want pictures of it, so as to have something to look at and see how far we’ve come at some point in the future when things are different and the way we want them.  And we’ve thought about whether to ask for help, not so much help with actual cleaning, but just to have someone be there with us in our apartment… to just help by being there, but then there is so much shame and badness and stuff for how it is just a horrific mess.  And having empty boxes, some broken down and others not, just doesn’t help the situation at all either.

There’s just such a huge sadness and tears nearby and yet we haven’t cried in ages.  An occasionally tear/s springing up in the eyes and getting the eyes moist or an occasional tear slide or two, but no kind of true crying.  And it has felt like we’ve needed to for a long time.  And yet even if the crying were to begin, the minute the thought crosses the brain, “oh we’re crying,” the tears stop abruptly.  And just can’t cry anymore- it’s gone, and the dissociation or switch or whomever made it stop or whatever made it stop is frustrating because clearly we’re aware there was more to crying to be done.

Guess we’re going to go lay down and sleep some.  Maybe it will be different when we wake up.  But I’ve been saying this over and over for days now and it isn’t changing.  I feel like I’m running out of time… at least for our timeline anyway and we have some other things we need to get done asap but it just seems impossible to consider until we get some order in this house first.  But even so, it is just the task of things is feeling pretty overwhelming and no energy and stuff is just winning around here.

This kind of stuff just increases the self-hate so much.

Julie, I guess