I don’t know what to do or why things are the way they are, and yet they are the usual frustrations.
We’ve been up all night- again.
Yesterday, on the 1st, after being up all night (31st-1st) and then sleeping during the day on the 1st, we had a horrible dream with a lot of spiritual attacking and fighting and just your general yuck-o kind of thing. It seems the attacks are returning. A little different than before, but still stressful and ‘staying’ with us for awhile.
I don’t really know why we’re not going to bed sooner. I think part of it is that we’ve got ourselves into a bad pattern, but the other part of it seems resistance to go to bed. Something that we just can’t seem to do in the nighttime hours these days and I really don’t like sleeping on the couch as it isn’t good for our back or comfortable really, although we can dissociate all of that… but still, really need to be in bed.
Our apartment is one gigantic mess. I saw this coming and kept trying to do something about it before it got like this, but alas, it is what it is. And it is overwhelming and we can’t seem to do anything about it. The ones inside who can do this stuff without that many problems are nowhere to be found. The rest of us have our own issues, depression, etc.
I’ve wondered today how much of it is depression, how much of it is motivation, how much of it is fatigue, or how much of it is learned helplessness. How much of it is being lazy and bad, and how much of it is something we just don’t understand. How much of it is payback for delving into dangerous territory with The Function Keys and how much is it about us telling things and hence, punishment by some in the system. How much is it the stress of moving and how much of it is the fear of moving. (even with some excitement, there are mixed emotions about stuff) How much is it that we have visions and plans of how to make the most of this move and cleaning out our boxes and stuff and thus, gets us closer to living, and as a result and to keep that from happening, we’re being forced to not be able to do anything productive. It’s hard to explain without going into details and just too damn tired to bother. We understand what it is. The constant fucking problem and catch-22 bind. The freaking programming I guess is what it is. I mean none of that is real or true for us anyway of course.
Sigh.
We need help and yet there is fear in asking and badness in asking. It’s stupid and yet we feel so very unworthy of help. Like we don’t give enough to anybody in this life as it is and so how dare we think of asking for any help. And if we actually think of asking and then do it, then there is this belief and pressure that we owe them back big time and that causes stress too. Then there is the constant struggle and battle of “we have to do it on our own” and “we have to work this out on our own,” and like it is some kind of failure or something to need help with this, especially since we know a lot of it is symbolically tied to our inside.