We have to leave very soon to the mother’s house. In fact, we really shouldn’t be spending time blogging right now, but rather getting ready to leave and on our way. I just get so tired of my mother’s ill health and that she looks to me for help. I know she is trying to extend herself and seek resources elsewhere instead of to just me. She occasionally resorts to asking my brother.
And I had already planned on being at my mother’s house today– she needed help with some house cleaning and I know she’ll give me a little bit of money for it or compensate me in some way and I could really use that right now. Unfortunately we tend to take much, much longer than needed to clean her house and so we’ll be working hard on not going overboard with our OCD stuff and style of cleaning when we know things haven’t been deep cleaned in a long time. Plus so often we have to take so many breaks because just can’t stay focused or have the energy to keep plugging away at it. We never know if the ‘right ones’ inside will show up to just get the job done so we can leave.
So really since I was going to my mother’s house anyway and should have been there already (was supposed to have gone last night and stayed overnight), then I really shouldn’t be having these feelings of irritation and annoyance and anger or something. I’m not exactly sure what feelings they are, but they are negative, and I feel bad about having them as a reaction that she is ill and needs help.
The only thing I can figure out so far is that it triggers a lot for us because she needs taking care of and in a way, we’ve been doing that all our life. We know we’ll never be a daily nurse for her or anything when she can’t live alone anymore– we are not going to take care of her in that way. We just can’t do it and choose not to put ourselves through that. Perhaps if she had been a different mother to us growing up, we’d feel differently.
I feel so guilty for saying any of this. I know that feelings are feelings and they are allowed to just be and exist. It’s just I feel like such an awful person, an awful daughter, and so very bad for feeling any of this and having such negative thoughts about my mother, as she wasn’t all bad growing up, and she is better now that she is older.
But Billie just commented to me that she is better now that is sick and needing help and that she didn’t really begin changing for the “better” until she began getting sick 5 or so years ago and no longer had the energy to be bitchy and suddenly began needing a lot of help with things. I never realized this until Billie just commented about it. At the same time, I don’t want to fault her for being human and doing what she needed and needs to do in order to get her needs met. And I think with all her friends dying or people she grew up with in high school dying, along with her illnesses, that she has been facing death a lot more and that has changed her for the better.
Continue reading ‘Mother Stuff’
We had another dream theme where it was evil versus good and it involved S-tan and Jesus and using Jesus and G-d to fight S-tan and evil d-mons and stuff. This is one of our typical dream themes, but it doesn’t happen all the time, and so we wanted to document that we had another one of these types of dreams.
It involved children, adults, many types of animals, inanimate objects, water, house or building levels, trickery, tongues and colors and types of teeth, and a little bit of magick, as well as pills of some kind. For the most part the evil was winning the fight, but at the very end, we discovered that under certain conditions we could take a pill after something happened and reverse the effects of the evil and if we did it quietly and carefully we could get enough good ones converted back to good and really use the power of all of us to fight and win, with G-d and Jesus’s help of course. We had to do it very quietly and carefully and pretend to be “evil” and “converted to evil” but really deep down we are good and fighting and trying to win the battle and not let them win completely.
We also remember that Jesus showed up in the dream unexpectedly–we can remember seeing him to some degree… his clothing and a little bit of his face, but mostly just remember the knowledge that he appeared. We remember that it was a surprise and big thing and much needed in the dream, but we can’t remember the situation before, during, or after he appeared. We’re afraid it was a trick, but pretty sure that this time it wasn’t a trick Jesus but the real Jesus.
We woke up before any real resolution one way or the other, but at least we woke up where hope was returning in the dream after we discovered that under certain conditions if we took these pills, that we could erase the bad and evil and return to good and at the same time, hide the good and pretend to be evil around the evil people while trying to spread the good and win the battle.
Us and Julies
I need to acknowledge and continue working on accepting
that I was sexually abused
that we were sexually abused.
I could deny and say I never experienced sra.
I could deny and say my father never sexually abused me.
I could easily deny those things, after all, those memories can’t be real. I frequently go back and forth between real and not real, true and I’m crazy (my mind is crazed and has a life of its own will to fuck me up).
I could minimize the abuse by a male peer (almost a year older) growing up. I can’t deny some of those memories, because a few of them (at least pieces of them) were never forgotten. I could twist the truth into the shape and form of “kids experimenting” when it absolutely wasn’t that at all. That’s what the parents believed and we remained silent and agreeing when the parents found out because our brother told. So I could try to sway myself into that and deny my way into that, except I remember clearly saying No, but the memory of the No is only recalled after the parents found out and after we were tricked by him and locked in his garage. The fear is that I/we didn’t say No before the parents found out. I still perceive that it was abuse and high manipulation accompanied by already being a victim of my father’s and probably by then already a victim of the sra cult. Oh wait, but none of that applies if it is all denied and not considered. I have such a fear that we were so fucked up by then that we wanted the sex in all those grown up and disgusting ways at 6, 7, 8 years old. But I know that no ordinary, non abused child, would want that. So if I deny my father’s abuse, the sra abuse, then that leaves me with the peer abuse as the only thing that happened to me/us. Except it can’t be the only thing, because no ordinary, non abused child would want true grown up sex in all ways possible, even with another child. And if the peer abuse really wasn’t abuse at first and just some fucked up child (me/us) wanting sex in grown up and disgusting ways and agreed to do this with the boy who pushed to have sex in all these ways, it still means that one or both of the father’s abuse and sra abuse is real and true, because something had to have happened to get me/us to agree (if we did) or want (if we did) grown up sex in all ways possible that was very disgusting. I still view it as abuse, but I fear so much that I hide behind that. That it wasn’t really abuse and how dare I call it that, because after all, it was just kids experimenting and I must have wanted it and agreed to it because I did it after all. And really, how can a peer have that much control over me? Continue reading ‘Acknowledgement and Acceptance’
Recent Comments