hidden struggles

we’ve been struggling– we don’t seem that way in the few writings that have transpired lately from us to friends.  but that’s because it is us, Julies, truly writing and not the ones who are writing with us at the moment.  it’s odd… i thought it would be the julies writing this and they instigated this, but it is clearly us, Julies, speaking, albeit in their manner of writing lowercase.

so it all seemed to start the late night and early morning after we returned home from group, going out to eat afterwards, and then culminating in some playstation karaoke fun at a friends house with 4 of us hanging out together.  everything seemed fine as far as we could tell inside or knew about.  then we got home and it’s a blank but somewhere in that when we were in bed, the emotional pain seeped its way back in.  the sadness, the need to cut, the fears that the ‘bad yuck was going to get us’ in ways we can’t say here and we fought that and we fought the urges to cut.  had there been an actual knife around or near our bed we probably would not have won that battle.  it made no sense to us why the sudden intense emotions and urges for we had a nice group and nice time afterwards.  and then as we were trying to figure it out, it dawned on us that it was the night of the 13th and it was march. and for unknown reasons, the really tough yuck has continued onward for the most part all day friday and today.  we’ve been in bed more or less almost the entire time for both days.  friday we did get up around 4pmish and take care of something and leave the house for a very brief visit to drop off some paperwork that we couldn’t put off any longer.  and that was so hard to push ourselves to go and do but we did it.  then we were at the computer at some point and talked online with a friend.  and we were fine then.  but earlier in the day we were a freaking mess.  and we thought we’d be past this today, but instead it’s been a repeat of yesterday, except this time far more time spent in bed and so much sleeping and hiding in bed.  we sent a few emails and that’s about it.. the rest of the time has been in bed, sleeping or hiding.  we’ve had crazy dreams.  finally woke up a little while ago (again) and was shocked that it was after 10:30pm. what?!? how did that happen and what the hell is wrong with us?  we have one friend to return a phone call to and another friend to call as we said we’d call.  we vaguely said we’d visit another friend this weekend to help out but we are no where close to doing that.  our apt is a huge mess due to some previous attempts of searching for some stuff and cleaning some stuff out but then stopping in the middle of it and leaving it as is since.  that’s what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night, can’t sleep, and actually have the energy to try and do something, and then crash in exhaustion.  but it wouldn’t have mattered anyways, whether it was the middle of the night or not.  the do a little bit and then crash in exhaustion and into bed is typical anyway.  except we haven’t returned to put any kind of order or semblance of order back to this place.  we will- just not sure when yet.

we had this revelation of understanding that was completely and utterly accidental but all the same, eye opening and a duhhh experience simultaneously.  we need to write about it at some point but no energy to do so.  it explains why we’ve always struggled with having male friends, why we feel so unsafe and awkward in having them, and the bigger thing for us, why even mentioning or referring to the fact that a friend (and using male pronouns or male names) scares us and creates so much anxiety, fear, and awkwardness.  not so stupid and yet so stupid we never made this connection before in the way we have done so earlier tonight that a male peer sexually abused us and it is highly believed that he was part of the ritual abuse as well or connected to it or something.

(added after reading through this before sending and seeing that this was not well written above.  basically it is stupid to us and yet not so stupid to us that we never made this deeper conscious connection that it was a male peer that sexually abused us.  yes, we’ve said this, known this for years, always remembered a few things from it though not all of it, but somehow we made the connection earlier tonight that ohhhh… male peer sexually abusing us… duhh and of course this is why we’ve always (or at least greatly contributed to it) greatly struggled with feeling safe, comfortable, etc. with having male friends, and why there is huge anxiety and emotions and awkwardness and fear in just saying it aloud and referring to “my friend, (insert male name)” or “he’s my friend.”  using male names and male pronouns in connection to being our friend– that brings up so much for us and suddenly we made the connection of all those emotions and reactions to having had a male peer sexually abuse us and the connections we have of him with the ritual abuse as well.   we’ve always really separated it before.  acknowledged it in great shame but always separate.  anyways, it is very hard to explain, but we made a connection earlier tonight accidentally and in ways we’ve never done so before and it seems important to us to look at further.  that’s all.)

we’ve always said it was a big thing if we ever felt comfortable enough with a guy and safe enough with one to like as a friend or to have as a close friend.  we’ve had so few guy friends in life.

anyway, it is late.  we had cereal, i think, earlier today, but i can’t remember for sure. maybe that was yesterday.  we need to eat but our kitchen isn’t all that inviting to use or find much of anything in the ways we are accustomed to.  in general our kitchen cabinets and refrigerator/freezer are extremely organized, but it is nothing like that at all yet. we didn’t have much to begin with, but the food and whatnot we had from our old apartment was bagged up and then placed (bagged up) in our new fridge/freezer.  it still remains that way. eeks.  so unlike us and yet some of us resist doing anything about it until we have the energy to give it the makeover cleanliness inside and out before unpacking and organizing those things.

this is stupid or so we hear.  just trying to write something and get something started. maybe trying to reach out.  we are late (or pretty sure we are as we can’t find our old 2007 calendar with notes on it tracking our menstrual cycle through 2008) again… we were very late last month and it appears it is happening again this month.  i guess stress is the reason for it all or age or hell, our cycle has never been consistent, so it could just be doing its old song and dance of oh hey, thought i’d shake things up a bit and become regularly late on you and then i’ll shock you some day and start becoming regularly normal in timing like it is discussed and written about in those medical informational blurbs and textbooks.

so yah, well, really, we are struggling, but they didn’t really come to write it themselves and say so really.  but it would be wrong and well, just not right to say it was solely from us, Julies.  so it was both groups here in some kind of capacity.

julies but really mostly and mainly Julies writing, but the julies were here trying to find their voice of pain and struggling